


I'll Tell the World, I'll Sing a Song

by Chronicles_of_Scout



Series: We Found Love in a Hopeless Place [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Kalex, romantic kalex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-15 07:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 54,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18069575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronicles_of_Scout/pseuds/Chronicles_of_Scout
Summary: Continuation of We Found Love in a Hopeless Place.Because getting married to your patient that you barely even know and have your first lesbian crush on may not have been the best idea you've ever had.It's actually a little crazy...A lot crazy.Fuck, what the hell did she get herself into?  This love thing was a mess!





	1. I'll Tell the World, I'll Sing a Song

**Author's Note:**

> Just as I finished up on this I saw the Red Sun preview and man. Man oh man... so much content. Lets just say you guys are going to be seeing a few more things from me soonish.
> 
> Anywho, I'm baaaaaaack. Sort of. I think I've finally worked out a good balance and so I'm back on a more manageable schedule.
> 
> This is a three parter simply because of the length of this... 50k as promised. Almost. And I think I got that right? I don't remember but I know this thing would just not quit. Geeze did these two have so much to say. This is the 4th version of this story. Like version not draft, version. It took me 4 tries to get this right and then another handful of drafts to get it flowing well so I really hope you like it.
> 
> The timeline... i did my best to keep track of the days so they're mostly accurate but don't break my balls if somethings off. Apologies in advance. 
> 
> Not beta'd, all mistakes are my own and they are literally the only thing I stake I have in this besides the plot. Enjoy.
> 
> Song: It's a Better Place Since You Came Along

** I’ll Tell the World, I’ll Sing a Song **

****

**DAY** 7

One would think there would be a certain amount of peace in finding a routine of sorts after a week.Alex went to work, she came home, and she went to sleep.

There would be food mixed in there, but it was usually take-out, and dinner was an exhausting experience because Kara wouldn’t eat.

Scratch that.

She did eat.

But she would only eat the food she brought in.As if whatever Alex provided was not to her taste.And Alex has tried.

She’d offered the ordering privileges to Kara; had handed over her phone with all the ordering apps already pulled up.

The blonde always claimed she’d eaten at school and would politely ask Alex if she wanted her to order anything for _her._

As if Alex were the one who needed to eat.

And, yeah, Kara did eat at school, but school lunch sucked.Everyone knew that.No one actually _enjoyed_ their school’s lunch unless it was from a private school with their own star chef and dietician on hand.

UCLA was not a school with a star chef.

It was a school with an employed chef, which was a plus, but not a star.

Their food was probably adequate at best.

And these… _feelings…_ that Alex had developed had made it especially difficult for her to navigate because, although Kara didn’t seem _opposed,_ she also hadn’t done much to progress their relationship.

Alex would text her and she’d text back.

Alex would call and she would answer.

And sometimes Alex would work up the nerve to kiss her and Kara would kiss back.

But when Alex text about her day, she only responded with commentary about Alex’s day.

And when Alex would call, Kara never offered up anything but brief interactions.

And the times Alex would kiss her, Kara would kiss back as passionately as any romance novel could describe.Honestly, Alex may not have a lot of experience, but she was willing to bet that Kara was the best kisser in the whole damn galaxy.She’d never been big on kissing, but with Kara—

Alex hadn’t realized how little slobber needed to be involved until Kara had giggled, gently cupped her cheeks, and kissed her properly.

It was toe curling.

And eye opening in the way that confirmed that kisses from her male counterparts were, and always would be, gross.But kisses from Kara, a _woman_ —boy was Alex having a gay awakening—were… devastating.

Alex hadn’t embraced her sexuality, so much that she had been hanging out on the top of a lonely snowy mountain when some blonde tornado had pushed her and sent her tumbling down the cliffside.She had created quite the snowball for herself and the kisses gave her an anchor as she continued to spiral.

But then, once the kissing was over, they were back to being glorified roommates.

“Have you just tried talking to her?”Lucy brushed crumbs off her lap, scowling at the new stain on her blue jeans.

Maggie, seated to Lucy’s right, chuckled and took a pull from her beer.“Of course not.That would mean we were dealing with a mature adult.”

At this time of day, the chic little bistro had just started to die down from the noon rush and so the trio had managed to snag a spot on the enclosed rooftop patio.It was just after one so the sun wasn’t quite so unforgiving through the skylights, and the cool heat took away any residual uncomfortableness that would have come from being outside.

Winters on this side of the continent were often of no real consequence.Not compared to their Midwest or Eastern neighbors.National City’s winters usually saw the temperature drop to around the fifties, and there were still people who wore board shorts and flip flops.

This year, due to what Alex strongly believed to be aliens sent on behalf of her parents and Canadian overlords, the weather was going crazy.Alex had seen the temperatures dip below freezing and had actually had to purchase an actual winter coat online to stave off the freezing temperatures.She’d bought one for Kara too of course and had received a slightly curled lip and a stiff thanks.

Hopefully the blonde had found some refuge in a heated classroom or in the school library or—

“Earth to Danvers!”Lucy snapped her fingers in Alex’s face.“Are you done moping around yet?The pout is weirding me out and we’re _trying_ to prep you for your immigration interview.”

Alex slapped her hand away.“Stop that.I’m not moping, I’m—”

“You’re moping.”Maggie interrupted coolly, making eyes at their waitress as she refilled their water glasses.“You’re worse than every male hero in all of those action movies.”

“That’s just—”

“Accurate?”

“Uncalled for.”

Maggie grinned cheekily, the waitress blushing hard and scurrying away at the first peek of dimple.Alex rolled her eyes.Sure, Maggie was attractive, and Alex had even had her own small crush once upon a time but once you got to know the hot-headed detective… well she was just annoying.

Cocky.

Arrogant.

Stubborn.

Know-It-All.

Alex’s crush had died rather quickly but she enjoyed their banter enough to allow a friendship to grow.Besides…

Maggie was also fairly good with women.

And Alex… was not.

“I just don’t get it.”She dropped her head into her hands, fingers raking through her short bob and creating tiny mohawks.“I thought… I’m trying to be available.To share and all that,” she waved her hand to include all of the other feely things that could go in that category, Lucy’s gaze turning sympathetic as she continued.“I mean aren’t people supposed to like when you include them in your day?Or buy them things?Or take care of them?”

“Normally yes.”Lucy agreed, glaring at Maggie when the other woman snorted a laugh.The green eyes turned back to Alex when Maggie quieted, and the lawyer rested a hand on her arm.“Alex, you have to understand, this isn’t a normal relationship.Normal doesn’t apply here.Aside from the massive amount of fraud, we’re talking about a woman who does not, and honestly _should_ not trust easily.Everything you’re doing is the right thing.You’re being open, you’re offering what you can, when you can…Those are all good things.But think about how many other times Kara might have had the same kinds of offers.Think of how many times those offers were genuine or didn’t lead to pain or disappointment.It might just be that she’s scared.”

Alex frowned down into her fries.Upset with herself for not coming to that conclusion on her own.

“So, what do I do now?”

“Be patient.”Were Lucy’s wise words.

Meanwhile in Maggie Ville, there was another cheeky grin and a quick pocketing of the napkin the waitress placed down with her water.“And enjoy the chase.”

~*~

**DAY** 19

Alex pushed the door open with her shoulder, her purse and laptop bag dangling from one hand while the opposite arm was wrapped snug around a bag of takeout.

She sighed as the door shut with a soft click behind her and immediately toed off the uncomfortable heels she’d forced herself to wear that day.Normally she would have been happy doing her rounds in her casual sneakers or beat up old chucks, but today…

Well today, the chief had decided to approve a fundraising event in the hospital for “good PR”.Which meant that everyone had to look their best.No three-day old scrubs and messy hair clips would do.Instead Alex had woken up extra early to apply actual makeup to her face, had painstakingly curled her hair and had put on an actual pair of clean scrubs.That she had ironed.

Her interns had looked at her like they weren’t quite sure if she was a pod person.

It had been a very trying day and she only wanted a shower and her bed.The food she’d purchased simply on the off chance that Kara might actually _eat_ this time around, but she wasn’t holding her breath.

She’d taken Lucy’s advice and backed off but that didn’t mean she was going to let her wife _starve_.She exhaled loudly and set her purse on the hook by the door, the important bags coming with her to the living room.

Surprise, surprise—Kara was nowhere to be seen.

Alex sighed again and felt tears of frustration sting her eyes.She was way too tired for this shit.And she was pretty sure she was PMSing as well.This was not ok.

Dropping the takeout on the coffee table, she all but flung her laptop bag onto the couch before stomping loudly into her bedroom.Her blazer was ripped from her shoulders and hurled to the ground, the buttons of her shirt following as they were torn from the pressed white linen, her hands starting work on her belt as she moved on to the ensuite bathroom.

Where the bathtub was already full of steaming hot water and tiny tealight candles were dispersed throughout the room.

What the—

“Hey.”

Kara’s soft voice came from behind her, but, though she jumped at the sound, Alex couldn’t find it in herself to turn around.Her face felt unbearably hot and her fingers were still stiffly holding the button of her pants, half in-half out.

“I heard you wake up this morning and I remembered that today was the fundraiser at your hospital and how much you didn’t want to get all dolled up…”There was a shuffling sound from behind her and she realized with even more mortification that Kara had picked up her discarded socks, blazer and belt.“What I’m trying to say is that I know today must have been… rough so I asked your friend uh Dr. Vasquez, if she would text me when you left.And then I drew you a bath, with rose oil like you like.”And yeah, Alex could smell that now, the soothing scent doing absolutely nothing to relax her after being caught mid tantrum.“I also thought maybe… we could have a home cooked meal today, so I made steaks... and I chilled one of your wine bottles and… I probably should have run that one by you first.We can have the takeout if you prefer but—”

Alex kissed her.She couldn’t help it.No one had ever—

“I don’t get you.”She mumbled, hands gripping Kara’s waist as she tugged the blonde closer.“You’re so weird.”

Kara giggled softly, the fingers she was using to play in Alex’s hair flexing with the sound.“I’m the weird one?You left a trail of clothes from the door to the bathroom.You tore your very nice shirt.That’s weird.”

Alex kissed her again.

“I’d like the steaks please.”

“After your bath.”Kara dropped her hands to Alex’s shoulders, pushing gently as she took a step back.“Take as long as you need, I know a special technique to keep those guys from drying out.”

Alex felt a smile tug at her lips and decided to push her luck.“Will you take the takeout for lunch tomorrow?Share with your friends?”

_That_ brought Kara up short, her wife pausing in the doorway and giving her a flat look.Alex kept her gaze steady, feeling like any sudden movements would give Kara a reason to say no.The stare off lasted another minute before Kara finally huffed and nodded, prompting Alex to smile again in victory.

“Fine but maybe you should stop spending so much money on takeout.We have a perfectly functional kitchen here.You don’t have to try to buy me.”

And the smile dropped from her face.

“Right.”She offered up after a moment of uncomfortable silence had passed, forcing a smile and ducking her head.“I’ll uh keep that in mind but… I wasn’t—that is I would never try to um _buy_ you.That’s not something—I’m not like that.”

“You’ve been buying fancy takeout since I got here.You bought me clothes, a bus pass… Alex—”

“I can’t cook.”The words felt bitter on her tongue.Not because she was upset with Kara but because… cooking was something that she had tried to do and failed.The first and only thing she’d ever tried to accomplish that she just couldn’t.The sore point came because it was something her grandmother had tried very hard to teach her.Failing someone she loved… “And the clothes were because it would look weird if we dressed to different wealth classes despite our marriage.The coat was because it’s _freezing_ and—” She paused, considering Lucy’s words from before and finally pulling some understanding from the words.Maybe she had been a little… pushy.Alex cringed and rubbed her face, finally forcing herself to meet Kara’s eyes, the blue having gone a soft azure rather than the hard teal it had been a few moments ago. “I should have asked.No matter how much I may want to… connect with you.You still don’t know me very well and… I overextended and I’m sorry.”

Kara nods hesitantly, arms crossing self-consciously over her chest as they stand in silence.

“Thank you,” the response comes only after Alex has fervidly chanted for bloody Mary in her head.Anything to steal her away from this awkwardness.“For respecting my boundaries.I’m sorry too for…”Kara wiggles her head from side to side.“I know I wasn’t exactly _kind_ in my rebuttals, and I guess we’re both just learning.You don’t know me very well either.I mean we can’t even say we know each other’s favorite color and I mean they’re bound to ask that and—”

“It’s red.”

Kara halts mid-sentence and squints.“What?”

“Your uh favorite color.”Alex repeats, hand scratching at her cheek as she avoids eye contact.“It’s red.”

“That’s… not something you would find in my chart.”

“No.”Alex agrees, wondering if that spot on her ceiling had always been there or if she was really just that messy.

“Then how…”

Alex shuffles her feet, the button-down shirt she had so abused before hanging open at her sides and making her feel marginally more exposed.“I just… you always came in with red paint under your nails.And your hair ties are red.Socks.Sometimes you mix it in with blue but… most of the things that I know you buy on your own?They’re almost always red.”She winces, pinching her brow between pointer and thumb as she shakes her head.“I’m not a stalker or anything, I just—”

“The blue was for you.”Kara cuts her off, taking a miniscule step forward, still hesitant.Scared.“I thought… you told me blue was my color one day.The nurses made me change into one of the blue scrub tops because I spit up all over my hoodie and… you told me that it was fine because blue was my color anyway.You had this look and I thought maybe…”Kara reaches out, her fingers tangling with Alex’s and her eyes shyly catching with Alex’s and her bottom lip tucking under her teeth and…“Is blue your favorite color?”

The smile comes back slowly but Alex gently presses Kara’s fingers and leans forward enough that their foreheads brush and the strands of their hair blend together.

“It was after that.” 

~*~

**DAY** 20

“Hi dad.”Alex says, sitting on an empty gurney in the hospital hallway.A nurse walks passed her, eyeing her seat disapprovingly and Alex switches phone hands to turn away.“I can’t talk long; I’m working.”

Jeremiah’s chuckle comes through the phone and warms her, making a smile appear on her face.“No worries kiddo.I remember how that was.I ran as far and fast as I could after my first experience on rounds.”

“Well,” Alex fights her own laugh at the thought of her father running from anything, “we can’t all be world renowned epidemiologists, now can we?”

“No.Some of us do better and become lifesaving neurosurgeons.”

Alex blushes and ducks her head.“I’m not world renowned though.”

“Not yet, Peanut.”There’s a short pause and Alex knows they are coming to the main point of this conversation, steeling herself for whatever news Eliza has tasked her dad with delivering.“Your mother and I just wanted to remind you about the CatCo dinner.It’s coming up in a few months and I wanted to make sure you were prepared.You and your new wife.”

Alex wrinkles her nose at the reminder of the pompous event and holds in a sigh.“Of course I remember dad.Thanks for the reminder of the event that is literally almost a year away.”She pauses, feeling moderately bad for her snark and mumbles, “I’ll invite Kara soon.”

“Make sure she has a nice dress.You know your mother and—”

Alex huffs.“I know.”

“I just… I worry.You know that.The two of you are so much alike, if you would just—”

“Hey dad,” Alex interrupts, standing from the gurney and straightening her white coat.“I’m really sorry but I’m being paged.I have to go but we’ll be ready for the party.Promise.”

“Ok,” Jeremiah sighs, probably seeing right through her fib.“I love you honey.”

“I love you too.”

~*~

 

**DAY** 20

“Ok.”Alex commands, hands on her hips as she takes in the room before them.It’s a Sunday and surprisingly both she and Kara have no prior engagements.

Well, Kara had said that she’d normally be getting the Sunday tourists to pay for a sketch, but even she had pushed that aside in favor of having a lazy day.

“We’ve got food.”

“Check.”Kara stands next to her with a notepad, serious expression on her face as she looks over the spread she had cooked that morning.Because apparently Kara does know how to cook.And well.

“We’ve got blankets.”

“Double check.”

“We’ve got a free TV and a Netflix account with Bruce Willis movies.”

“Um, sure.”

“Check that.”

“Check.”

“Right.”Alex dropped her hands and nodded.“I think we’re ready.”

Kara shakes her head when Alex takes a step forward.“You forgot the boardgames.”Kara reminds her solemnly making Alex purse her lips.

“I don’t really have any…”When Kara’s face drops, she is quick to add, “but I do have card games.Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity?”

“No.”Kara admits with a head tilt born of curiosity.

Alex grins.“No better way to get to know someone.We’ll play after we watch Armageddon.”

They do not play after they watch Armageddon.

Kara is too busy crying.

And then when Alex finally gets her to calm down, remind her that it was just a movie and _not_ a documentary born of a government coverup, they’re both so tired they just kind of fall asleep.

On the couch.

Wrapped around each other.

When Alex wakes up with Kara’s head tucked in the area between her neck and shoulder…

She figures her Sunday is a success.

A few more days like this and she’s sure they’ll be on the road to friendship soon.

 

~*~

**DAY** 22

“What do you mean you don’t know how to swim?”

Kara shrugs, licking at the ice cream Alex had gotten for her when she’d met her after her shift at the Hospital.Alex noticed that she didn’t complain about _this_ purchase.

“Foster kids don’t really get to go where they want and it’s not like the group home had a pool to spare.Why’s it so important anyway?”

Alex’s jaw drops and the personal offense she feels at Kara not caring about swimming –re: surfing—almost makes her divorce the woman right there.

Almost.

~*~

**DAY** 23

“And then you just kind of… roll them.”Kara’s fingers moved deftly, tucking the small sausage into the croissant dough with no issues.

Alex tried to copy the movement and wound up with a sausage ball.

“That’s… new.Improved even.”Kara says after staring at the attempt with mild horror.

“I suck at this.”There’s sticky dough on her fingers and Alex scrubs her hands together to get rid of it, the residue falling to her clean floor and making her even angrier.Kara’s hands cover hers and stop the mild abuse.

“No you don’t.You just… do it differently than other people.Just because your pig-in-a-blanket is more of a pig-in-a-ball, doesn’t mean it will cook any worse.We’ll just lower the heat so it has more time to cook internally.It’s a slight adjustment that won’t hurt anyone.”

Alex glowers and shuffles her feet.That’s easy for Kara to say.Everything she did was like a work of art.It was perfect.

_She_ was perfect.

Kara laughs at her, tipping her head up and kissing her pout.“You have a really adorable face.”They both blush, Kara looking mortified at her blasé statement and clenching her eyes for a moment.

It’s Alex’s turn to smile, and, when Kara goes to distract herself with more of the sausage rolls, she tugs her back into a hug.

Kara’s taller, but only slightly and it doesn’t stop the blonde from hesitantly resting her head on Alex’s shoulder.

She feels good like this, holding a woman in her arms.Holding _Kara_ in her arms.

Somehow, this feels even better than the kisses they’d shared.

More…

Just more.

“Thank you.”She whispers, trying to keep her voice soft so the moment isn’t completely ruined.Because it’s more than just holding Kara, it’s the fact that Kara doesn’t seem to care that Alex is weird.That Alex is just now figuring out her sexuality when she’s already 28!Even when Alex’s best attempt is Kara’s worst, the blonde still looks proud, still beams and congratulates Alex on a job well done.

Kara squeezes her, arms wrapped tight around her shoulders, where Alex’s are wrapped around her waist.

“You’re very welcome.”

~*~

 

**DAY** 24

Alex orders Chinese at great risk to her own life.

Kara is upset until Alex shoves a pot sticker in her mouth.

After Kara has inhaled the remaining treats, Alex is kissed very thoroughly.

She is very pleased with this reward system.

~*~

 

**DAY** 26

“When did you know you wanted to be a surgeon?”

“Pretty young actually.”Alex keeps her eyes glued to the pasta water, watching the bubbles and waiting for the ‘aha’ color Kara said she would see.“But when I was 9 the neighbor’s kid cut his leg open on this really old see saw in the park.The whole inside of his thigh and groin just… _shredded.”_ She tries to gesture to her own thigh so that Kara can see how gruesome it was, but the woman seems nonplussed, so Alex goes back to her water watching.“Anyway, the adults were all screaming cause his thigh was just spurting blood everywhere and the kids were crying.I’ve never really been a fan of noise so to shut them up I wrapped my belt around the top of his leg and stuck my fingers in the cut until I felt a hole and just held it until an ambulance arrived.”

Kara’s eyebrows are in her hair her eyes are so big.“Just like that?You just… walked right up to him and stuck your fingers in his body.”

There’s a joke there that Alex can make but she doesn’t.She’s much too mature…

“…that’s what she said.”Kara swats her with the with the dish towel.“Abuse!And yes!”She rolls her eyes, ducking out of range of another blow while keeping within range of the pot.“I like reading and my dad had this old-school survival book that I was obsessed with… I wanted to live in the jungle.”

“Of course you did.”

Alex ignores her.

“Anyway, I read a bunch of rough medical techniques and practiced them on my stuffed animals.I mean the kid obviously moved a _lot_ more than Mr. Yoda but I figured it was good practice for when I made friends with a wolf you know? … I know I was weird.”

“No,” Kara shakes her head, amused smile on her face.“Just very brave.”

Alex rolls her eyes.“It got the see saw replaced at least.And we got a new swing set.It was a win-win.”

“So the kid lived.”

“Yep.My first patient ever survived on my very first try.”

“My what a prodigy.”

“I’ll have you know it made me super competitive with myself.How could you possibly top that?I was a surgical god at _nine._ ”

“What would you have named him?”

“Who?”

“The wolf.”

“… Falcor…”

Kara nods with an almost surprised respect.“I can see that.”

“Right?!”

 

~*~

 

**DAY** 27

Alex turned over and pulled the blankets to her chin, the rumpled but still made sheets on the opposite side reminding her of her missing bedmate.

Kara had not come home last night.

~*~

**DAY** 28

|Kara: Hey, I’m sorry about last night. I stayed with a friend.I’ll see you tonight.

~*~

**DAY** 29

Alex sat at the bar island in her kitchen, her phone laying discarded next to her now empty mug of coffee.A tumbler of whiskey was held in a loose grip as she stared sightlessly at her fridge.Her hand moved intermittently, tapping the silver band on her ring finger against the solid glass on her tumbler.There were a million different scenarios running through her head, not the least of which involved murder, human trafficking, and a very rational theory including the Canadian mafia.

Canada had a mafia, right?

It was entirely plausible that they had sent their goons to kidnap Kara and lure Alex back to the frozen tundra.

A plan that might actually work, dammit.

She took a sip of the amber liquid in her glass, eyes squinting in thought as the lock on her door finally- _finally-_ turned.

Kara shuffled in slowly, the tan woolen coat Alex had given her wrapped tight around her but looking slightly worse for wear.

And she had a black eye.The resulting bruise stretching high across her cheekbone before being hidden by a swath of blonde hair.

Alex pursed her lips and took another sip of whiskey while Kara shuffled nervously in front of her.

“Hi.”Kara bit her lip, fiddled with her coat buttons, took a small step forward.“I’m really sorry I was MIA.I just… had a bad client and I didn’t want him to know where you lived.Or that you existed so I had to lay low for a while…”Another step, her lip was seriously going to pop if she kept biting it so hard.“I never meant to worry you Alex.Or make you wait up.I’m sorry.”

Alex hummed, taking in the scraped-up knuckles and palms as Kara took yet another step towards her.Like a scared animal.

Interesting.

“Who hit you?”

“Alex—"

“Nope.Wasn’t me.”She couldn’t help the sass, the stress from the last few days having built up and spilled over into this cold barely contained rage.“I want your next answer to be a name.Who hit you?”

Kara shifted uneasily.“You won’t know him—”

Alex set the tumbler down.Loudly.

Exhaled slow.

Inhale.

“Kara.Who. Hit. You?”

There was another pause, and Kara shifted again before finally mumbling, “Adam.”Kara heaves a breath and fiddles with her glasses, one of the lenses containing a faint crack, eyes squinching shut.“It was stupid ok?He was drunk and he thought it’d be ok to pay for a painting with… it was stupid.I took care of it.”

Alex hummed again, the noise sounding more like a grunt as she nodded thoughtfully before sliding off the stool and heading into her bedroom.

“Alex.”Kara’s footsteps pattered behind her, their movements quick as their owner easily caught up to her.“Alex what are you going to do?”

“Nothing.”She pulled on her jeans, a t-shirt following and her ‘workout’ hoodie being added on top.Boots.She needed her boots.

“This doesn’t look like ‘nothing’.Alex, it’s the middle of the night.We can just go to bed.I just need to shower and then—”

Alex popped up, for some reason the way Kara had said ‘shower’ turning her stomach.“Why do you need a shower?”

Kara took a step back, hands rubbing at her arms before dropping uselessly down to her sides.She shrugged.“I just do.I’ve been on the streets for a few nights and I’m gross.You don’t want me on your—”

Alex stepped closer to her, and Kara tensed, eyes darting around the room as she tried to maintain whatever calm composure she had when she’d arrived.

“Did he touch you?”

“You know he did.”Kara scoffed, meeting Alex’s gaze for a second before focusing on a spot over her shoulder.“I already told you he’s the one who hit—”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

The rage that had been simmering just below the surface was ice cold now.Helped her think, to plan.And man was she planning things.

Kara scowled, lip curling, but finally looked Alex in the eyes.“He tried and he failed.He wasn’t the first and he probably won’t be the last.Nothing happened.I took care of it.So take off those damn clothes and just—just calm down!”

Alex nodded, thoughtful once again, a small noise leaving her as she moved past Kara into the living area.She grabbed her coat, phone and keys, pocketing the essentials before walking out the door.

“Alex!”

She shut it behind her, locking it.It wouldn’t keep Kara in for long, but it’d be enough for her to get down to the garage.The button for the elevator lit up and she waited patiently for it to come.

“Alex! Dammit, just listen to me for a second.”

The door rattled behind her.

Adam.

Kara hurled herself out of the apartment as the elevator doors closed and Alex felt only marginally bad for the slightly manic look the blonde had possessed.

She made it to the garage without incident, her helmet stashed on her motorcycle.

Asshole Adam.

The bike purred to life under her and she easily maneuvered out of her complex.She’d known Kara long enough to know where her stomping grounds were.If she’d been worried about the guy showing up again… well, Alex had time to wait.

~*~

**DAY** 30

“What?No phone call for your best friend?”

Alex sighed, and looked up into Maggie’s unamused face.Of all the cops she’d wanted to see this morning, Maggie had not been one of them.

“Ah.She’s silent.”The detective’s tone is sardonic, and she stoops to her knees, bouncing slightly as she stares through the bars at Alex sitting on the cell bench.The other women around her give her curious looks, clearly wondering what a cop is doing on such familiar terms with the would-be-criminal.“You have nothing to say for yourself?”

“What do you want me to say Sawyer?I didn’t call you because this isn’t your problem.I did this.I don’t need a bailout.”

“Yeah, well you’re getting one.” Lucy walks over in her power suit, the epitome of confidence as she comes to stand next to Maggie’s crouched form.“Detective Sawyer, there’s no victim for the charges against my client.Care to explain why she’s still being held?”

Maggie slaps her palms on her thighs, a look of practiced shock crossing her face.“I have no idea Ms. Lane.Let me look into it.”

“Please do.My client has a very worried wife waiting for her.”

Alex scowls at their antics but says nothing.

It was a fight she knew very well she’d lose.

She’d met Lucy in middle school, the daughter of her dad’s friend’s frenemy.J’onn and General Lane had never quite seen eye to eye but that didn’t stop them from coming over for Jeremiah’s renowned barbecue.

When she was much younger, J’onn had often brought his daughters with him, but they had died tragically in a house fire.She and Lucy had been devastated at the loss and had grown even closer for it.

For some reason they’d chosen classic professions: Alex the doctor and Lucy the lawyer.When Maggie had joined the group in college, they’d begged her to go into another of the YMCA song jobs.She had not been amused even though she’d already been set on a career in law enforcement.

Each of the trio had each other’s backs no matter what.

Alex’s first stitches had been on Maggie’s arm when she’d gotten into a barfight with some asshole over a girl.

Lucy had lied about being a lawyer during undergrad to get Alex out of legal trouble with a skeezy professor.

Maggie had punched said professor when it came out that he was only harassing Alex because he’d been in love with her mother and she’d chosen Alex’s dad.

It was all very Harry Potter.

So Alex had kind of expected them to show up, but that didn’t mean she really wanted them to.She still wasn’t quite done stewing in her feelings.

After she’d walked out on Kara last night, she’d visited all of the blonde’s favorite spots to paint and had just… watched for unsavory men.

Of course she hadn’t found this “Adam”, having nothing to go off of beside a first name and a location but enough men had gotten uncomfortable with her asking their name for them to call the cops.

And apparently loitering in the park after dark was grounds for arrest.

Go figure.

Maggie was hauling her to her feet a few minutes later, walking her out of the cell and to the counter to collect her belongings.

“You wanna tell us what you were thinking?”The detective questions as she leans on the wooden surface, Lucy mimicking her pose on the other side.When Alex doesn’t say anything but just signs her paperwork, Maggie shrugs.“No?That’s ok.Your dear wife Kara already told us everything.I picked him up this morning by the way.Adam Foster: grade A dick.Good thing our new friend Kara has such a good legal counsel, ain’t that right Luce?”

“That’s right.”Her compatriot chirped, even though her face was stone.

Alex clenched her jaw, fingers tightening over the bag the desk officer had passed over to her before turning back to her friends.

“She’s my _wife._ What the hell did you expect me to do?”The anger she’d been holding onto simmered under her skin and made her itchy.Made her want to get the hell out of the police station and away from the nags who were her friends because as much as she _had_ wanted to protect Kara… she was also pretty embarrassed that she had stupidly ran into the night to track down a guy with nothing but a first name.

And sure, she hadn’t been _drunk_ per se, but she had been _drinking_ and that was just as bad.She’d gotten onto her damn bike!

She was a moron!

Ignoring whatever else Lucy and Maggie were going on about, Alex shoved past the pair into the waiting area of the PD.She’d almost made it out the front doors before a blonde hurriedly stood from where she’d been slumped over in a seat.

Kara.

Of course Kara was here.

Motherfucker.

Alex clenched her eyes shut and roughly combed a hand through her hair.This was going to be a long fucking day.

Maggie swung an arm over her shoulder.“I’ll give you a lift Danvers.”

Lucy took shotgun, which meant that Alex was relegated to the backseat with a fidgety Kara.The blonde looked slightly worse for wear, still in the same clothes Alex had seen her in last night.Which meant she probably hadn’t slept.Or eaten.

The guilt Alex was feeling doubled.

Thankfully, her friends seemed to have satisfied their own frustrations and did not tease her for the rest of the trip.There were a few more questions asked about her well-being, and they stopped at an iHop to pick up an order to-go, but Alex arrived at her apartment largely unscathed.

Maggie gave her a salute in goodbye and Lucy punched her in the shoulder because growing up an army brat had made her a bit violent.

And then Alex was in her apartment.

With Kara and a bag of pancakes.

Awesome.

“You called them?”She hadn’t meant for that to be her first question.She’d meant to offer food and rest and even an apology but that was what had come out instead.Because she was oh so smooth.Fucking hell.

Kara fidgeted slightly before taking the bag of food from Alex and setting it on the dining room table.Standing behind the small barrier as if preparing for a war.

“I mean technically I called Lucy.And then Lucy called Maggie.”She peeked up at Alex through her lashes, a blush coloring her cheeks when nothing else was forthcoming from the doctor.“I didn’t know what to do!You ran off and—no offense but you don’t exactly look like a fighter.”

Alex’s eyes narrowed.“I do MMA and Krav Maga.”

There was a stunned silence and a moment where Alex was pretty sure Kara was _checking her out_ , and then the blonde was fumbling with the bags again.

“Of course, you do.That makes complete sense.”The red flush crept down her neck and Alex watched it with keen interest as Kara started stacking cartons on the table forcefully.

“You seem almost angry about that.”Kara flinched when she moved to stand beside her but showed no other signs of her discomfort.Alex fought a smile.So… her wife apparently had a thing for bad asses.Interesting.“I’m sorry I ran off.I… wasn’t really in the right frame of mind.”She paused mulling over her words and placing her hands on the cloth covered chair in front of her.“I was really worried when you didn’t come home… I thought maybe I’d done something.”

Kara’s head snapped to the side, eyes wide and worried. “Oh Alex no—”

“So when you came home with a black eye and I learned that someone else was _keeping_ you away… I kind of lost it a little.”She nodded thoughtfully.“The alcohol didn’t help.”

Kara softened, her shoulders dropping from where they had been raised up by her ears.“No.I’m sure it didn’t.”She paused, bottom lip pulling between her teeth before she offered a timid smile.“Thank you for trying to protect me.I really don’t want you to do anything like that again but… the thought _does_ count.”

Alex hummed and inched marginally closer.“So you’re not mad?”

She chose to ignore the part where Kara didn’t want her to act on her behalf.While she could understand the concern, there wasn’t a cell in her body that would be comfortable with not protecting Kara.

“Oh, I was pretty livid.”Kara admitted, seeming more relaxed as she finished setting up the area.“But then Maggie and Lucy showed up and talked me down.They helped me find you and kept me entertained with what they called “blackmail material”.”

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“What did they tell you?”Alex asked, agitatedly rubbing at her forehead before deciding a good distraction was in order and pacing over to her freezer.There are several ice packs waiting for when she’s sore and bruised after a workout and she pulls one out to press against Kara’s bruised face.

The blonde flinches but holds the pack in place while Alex resumes her setting up activities.“Just that you’ve been in danger of getting deported twice already and Lucy always managed to drag you back.But somehow this time, you decided that marriage was the better option.You do know you’re not immediately a citizen just because you marry one, right?”

Alex scowled and grabbed a container of pancakes, slouching into a seat and snatching up a fork.“Yes!Sue me if I thought it’d make the process… easier…”

It was Kara’s turn to hum, any earlier nervousness she might have displayed being wiped out by her newfound confidence.It was an attractive look on her, the smug smile and the way she crossed her legs under the table as she looked Alex over.The blue ice bag covering half of said face does very little to detract from the beauty.

“Maggie and Lucy said that they knew about me before we got married.That you talked about me all the time.”

“Maggie and Lucy are nosy.”Alex returned, stabbing a piece of pancake on her fork.She tried to ignore Kara’s gaze as it tracked said fork to her mouth, but it was hard.Alex felt… exposed.

“Maggie and Lucy said that you said I was ‘cute’.”

Alex snorted and swallowed a bite of eggs.“I told you you’re beautiful this is hardly blackmailing material.”

“They said you’re more settled around me…That they think I make you better.”

Alex fiddled with her fork, that same place in her chest that had gotten warm when Kara had spoken to her mother, redoubling its previous efforts.“That’s a lot of pressure.”

“It is.”Kara agreed, head tilting as she studied Alex’s face.“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I think that’s pretty unavoidable.”Alex mumbles after several moments of tense silence.The food in her little Styrofoam box has been pushed around until half of it looks more like mush than food.“People hurt each other without even trying most times.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it…”The ice bag is dropped on the table and Alex fights the urge to scold her wife.Kara, meanwhile, scoots her chair closer, reaching out to rest a hand on Alex’s bicep.“I’m not the girl you live happily ever after with Alex.I’m… messy.I have a lot of baggage.That’s not… great for… for building a _life.”_

It’s a clear dismissal and Alex is left reeling.She feels like she’s just been stripped bare by her friends and paraded around in front of someone who obviously finds her lacking.It’s the panic that makes her start rebuilding walls left and right, flimsy and unplanned as they are.

“I only asked you to marry me for my papers.”Alex covers, hand fisting against her clenched thigh. Maggie and Lucy had given away Alex’s feelings to Kara because they’d thought they’d been helping when apparently, they’d just been giving Kara more reasons to laugh at her.Because, despite Kara saying she wasn’t alone in the feelings department, and despite the kisses, and the getting to know each other… despite all of that, apparently Kara still didn’t think they fit.Still didn’t want Alex.“It’s a good arrangement for both of us.I get a Visa and you get health insurance.We’re even right?”

She chanced a glance up and immediately regretted it.The look in Kara’s eyes made her jaw clench, a boulder dropping heavy in her gut.Kara was back to the aloof persona she’d portrayed when she’d initially moved in.

Like she didn’t care one way or the other.

Like it really didn’t matter to her.

Like Alex didn’t matter.

“Yeah.We’re even.”The blonde straightened, closed the lid of the food container in front of her and stood.“I’m really tired.I think I’ll just grab a shower and go to sleep if that’s ok with you?”

Alex nods at her food and doesn’t watch her walk away.

Doesn’t try to stop her.

If Kara wasn’t interested, what the hell was Alex even thinking of trying to convince her?

~*~

**DAY** 31

 

Alex tries to sleep on the couch.After her and Kara’s argument yesterday, she had gone downtown and covered the clinic.That had worked for all of 36 hours before she was summarily kicked out.

So now she’s back home in her apartment and halfway asleep on her very comfortable sofa, when she feels herself being bodily lifted into the air.

The sound she makes is _not_ a screech.

Kara is giving her an unimpressed look when she finally opens her eyes and carries her to the bed where Alex is unkindly dropped.

“Either we both sleep here or we don’t sleep at all.We’re not fighting over the bed Alex.We’re not children.”

Any attempts to sneak out after lead to more counts of Alex being used as a body weight.While she _could_ escape Kara if she wanted to, she doesn’t want to hurt the girl, and, if she’s being honest, being held by Kara kind of makes her forget that her heart is bleeding all over the place.

At least until she gets dumped on the mattress.

Reality comes back really quickly after that.

Alex is _not_ pouting.

~*~

**DAY** 32

 

“You’re still a baby gay Danvers.Don’t take this so personal.Kara may have been the first girl who showed you attention, but she won’t be the last.”

Another lunch date.This one forced on Alex who had been avoiding her friends like the plague since the ‘break-up’.They may not have made Kara say those things, but they had still made Alex vulnerable and she didn’t appreciate it.

Now they were trying to cheer her up and failing miserably.

It could also be that Alex has stopped sleeping at home; sharing a bed with someone who’d rejected her so efficiently is well… it’s just not on her top 5.

The on-call rooms were handy, and J’onn couldn’t say anything because she was putting in extra hours at the hospital training the newbies.It was a win-win for everyone.

Lucy wrapped an arm around her shoulders and shook gently.“Yeah, I mean sure you’ve locked yourself in for at least 5 years but… if she’s not opposed maybe you can still explore?”

“That sounds gross Luce.”

“Shut it Sawyer.”

Alex huffed and buried her head further in her arms, sliding her card over with no protest when the waitress comes to their table.She doesn’t even notice when Lucy pushes the card back in her wallet and hands over her own.

Everything seems very useless now.

~*~

**DAY** 61

 

Alex stumbles into the kitchen, barely glancing at Kara’s form at the counter before reaching into the cupboard for her mug.

It’s not there.A cursory glance shows it sitting next to the still steaming coffee pot.Cream and sugar already waiting next to it.

Nice.

Once her coffee is made and she’s had her first few sips, she feels her brain start to function and realizes she’s hungry.

Working as much as she has been, hasn’t really afforded her much time to eat. Now that she’s taken a small break, her body is fiercely reminding her of that fact.

She pulls open the fridge door and is shocked at the barrenness.There’s one block of cheese sitting in the back and a questionable container of what looks like lo mein.

“It was your turn to go grocery shopping this week.We ran out on Thursday.I text you.”

Alex breathes deeply and slumps against the refrigerator door.Of course.

She remembers getting that text and remembers thinking she should put in for one of those home deliveries.Then she’d been pulled for a consult.

Fucking hell.

It was Sunday.Kara said they’d run out on Thursday…

“What have you been eating?”She croaks, squinting at Kara from still sleepy eyes.

The blonde levels her with ‘the look’ TM and Alex rolls her eyes.“I’m going to the diner for breakfast.Would you like to join me?”

It’s a testament to Kara’s hunger that she only hesitates a little.

A few minutes later they’re seated in a booth at the diner around the corner from Alex’s apartment.Alex had gotten on her phone and started ordering groceries on her Whole Foods app and had just completed the order when they’re waitress comes for their drink requests.

Kara asks for a glass of water with lemon.

Alex asks for two large lemonades, a strawberry milkshake, and a coffee.

Kara gives her ‘the look’ TM.

“Listen,” Alex starts off testily, “it’s way too early for you to be doing your whole…” she gestures vaguely at Kara’s person, “thing.Can we please just call truce and can you order whatever the fuck you want without us arguing or you starving yourself?”

“Fine.” Kara huffs, glaring lasers into the menu.

Alex rolls her eyes again and picks up her own menu.

Between then and their food arriving, they sit in silence.Kara had inhaled the milkshake Alex had gotten for her, and was happily munching on her French toast when she finally speaks.

“Are you done being a bear?”

Head resting on her palm, Alex squints dubiously, chewing a mouthful of omelet as she considers Kara’s question.

They’ve called truce.

No fiery comebacks today.

“Sure.”

Kara nods, “you’re really not a morning person, are you?”

“Nope.”

“You look like I do when I go on a spree.”What? The question must show on her face because Kara continues, spearing a piece of egg on her fork and taking a happy bite.“A lot of people think you can just stay in shelters if you’re homeless but that’s not really true.They have time limits that you can stay and you have to be in line at a certain time… there are just a lot of rules.So, when I couldn’t get into one, I’d sleep rough—outside—only that was hard too because… well as you can imagine people don’t really like homeless people.”

Alex frowns at the weird shift but is intrigued.Kara’s never really spoken about her experiences on the streets and now that she is, Alex is beyond interested.

“So, what’s a spree?”

Kara shrugs, “minimal sleep over a stretch of time I guess is the way to describe it. I’d catch quick naps at parks and in train stations but eventually people start to recognize you and see your status and they call the cops.Cops means you have to leave real quick.Loitering—being _homeless—_ it’s illegal.So you sleep when you can, where you can, and keep moving.”

“That sucks.”Alex says, staring dully down at her food while trying not to envision Kara living such a difficult life.

“It got better when I got into college.”Kara counters, still happily munching her breakfast.“They let you sleep _anywhere_ on campus and no one really bothers you because they think you’re stressed about classes.As long as you have your student ID, you’re fine.Once I lost mine and I had to pay twenty-five dollars to get it replaced. _That_ sucked.”Alex makes a noncommittal noise and takes a sip of her coffee.She flinches when Kara’s foot nudges her calf.“Come on, we have to do this sort of thing right?Talk about the bad parts too?What’s your damage?”

Alex doesn’t really want to talk about her damage.

“You look like someone whose parents never showed up to their science fairs or something, right?”Kara means it to be a tease and Alex can see that but still… it feels weird to joke about.

“My parents went to all of my science fairs.They were super passionate about all things academic.You should have seen them at my Kindergarten graduation.My mom actually _cried._ ”

Kara laughs and sips at her lemonade, her glass of water sitting untouched.“That sounds nice.The way you always seem so tense after a phone call with them… I just thought there was something there.”

“Well they never showed to my soccer games if that’s what you mean.”The words come out a lot more coldly than Alex means but she has no idea where this line of questioning came from and she doesn’t really want to talk about it.Ever.“Mom made me quit surfing in junior year because it wasn’t a viable extracurricular in her opinion.I’ve been pruned and tuned to be their perfect little girl so if that’s what you meant can we please move on?”

“Yeah,” Kara whispers, sounding sad.Alex isn’t actually looking at her so she can’t tell if she is sad or not, but she sounds it.“Yeah that’s what I meant.”

“Good.The groceries should be ready by the time we get back.”

Kara sighs and stares out the window for several tense minutes.

Alex lets her, the news app on her phone taking her mind off of the uncomfortable breakfast conversation.

“For what it’s worth,” Kara finally says, making Alex’s irritation return three-fold.“I would have loved to see you on a surfboard.”

Alex hums but says nothing and they’re back to awkward silence.

Alex really hates herself sometimes.

~*~

**DAY** 65

Alex forgets about Christmas; doesn’t even realize that it’s Christmas Eve until she gets to work and everyone won’t shut up about it.She feels terrible.

She and Kara may not be on the best terms right now but she still feels like she should have gotten her a gift.

She’d wanted to step out on her break and maybe try to find something but the holidays are always busy at the hospital _and_ the clinic and she’d already volunteered to cover shifts at both.

By the time she gets home it already counts as Christmas day and Kara is nowhere to be found.There’s no tree because Alex had been too busy avoiding the apartment to get one and no sign of any sort of gifts.

It’s by far the lamest holiday Alex has ever had to endure.

On the fridge door she finds a note saying Kara’s left her dinner in the oven.It’s a simple meal of baked chicken, string beans, and mashed potatoes but Kara has also left a cake on the stove top, covered in a glass dish Alex had never used.

This self-hate thing is really starting to grate on her nerves.

~*~

 

**DAY** 79

Alex’s beeper goes off while she is asleep in an on-call room.She groans and rolls over, palming her face as she raises her pager into her line of sight.

She’s up and running before she’s finished reading the message, startling the other person in the room and banging into the opposite wall in her haste to get down to the ER.

Running in the hospital is not actually frowned upon or against any rules.Not when there’s an emergency.It just takes a level of skill that only seasoned employees can navigate.Alex has both in spades and she expertly dodges gurneys and opts for the stairs as the message on her pager blares in her head.

_Wife in ER bed 10._

Kara’s in the ER.

Kara’s in the ER.

Kara’s in the ER.

The emergency room is actually fairly quiet for this time of night and Alex, while no longer running, is able to speed walk over to the designated bed without much issue.

Kara’s shirt it off, leaving her in only her bra, sponge bob pajama pants, and a loose hospital gown.She glares at Vasquez the moment she sees Alex.

“It wasn’t me.”Vasquez says soothingly, setting the cap on the nebulizer mask already positioned on Kara’s head.“But Dr. D is in good with the nurses; one of them probably paged her.”

“She turns into the hulk when I’m hurt.”Kara’s voice is more croaky whisper than actual sound but Alex can still understand her.That the woman is wincing when speaking and has clammy skin brings more concern than her actual words.

Alex ignores them and pulls out her stethoscope, warming it and placing it on Kara’s back.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Vasquez says in a faux whisper, “she only does that with you.Everybody else she tells to ‘grow a vagina’.”

Kara’s chest stutters and she smiles but there’s no other hint of her laughter.Instead panic starts to set in and she grabs at Alex’s hand near her leg.

“Is that albuterol?”Vasquez nods and Alex glances up at Kara’s stats.“Did you take your inhaler?”Nod from Kara.“Did it do anything?”Head shake.Fuck.“Where’s Dr. Willis?”

“He’s on his way in now.He was at a dinner.”

“He’s on call.”

“He’s within the perimeter.”

Alex scowls and presses her stethoscope against the front of Kara’s chest now.She hears fluid building up and forces herself to calm down.

People have asthma attacks all the time; they _survive_ asthma attacks all the time.

“Why didn’t you call me?”The anger is irrational and she knows it but it doesn’t stop her from lashing out.She grabs the nodes that one of the nurses has finished setting up and starts placing them on Kara’s back and chest herself.“The minute you felt symptoms you should have called me!”

Kara looks at Vasquez tiredly.“Told you.”

“I never said she wasn’t a masochist.”

That _does_ make Kara laugh and the next second Alex doesn’t even have time to scold Vasquez because she’s too busy trying to calm Kara down.

“I’m gonna die.”The wheeze is high and whistly and makes Alex’s chest clench.

“No you’re not.”Kara nods, obviously not buying the promise, and Alex squeezes her hand, ducking her head to let their eyes meet.“Kara you’re not going to die, ok?I’ve got you.I swear I’ve got you.”

“ _Alex_.”It sounds like she wants to cry and Alex holds her hand tighter, pressing their foreheads together.

“I’m here.I’m right here baby; I’ve got you.You’re going to be fine.Everything’s going to be fine.”

Dr. Willis gets there a few minutes later and takes over for Vasquez.Although, Alex is proud to say, everything her resident has done is exactly what Dr. Willis would have.

After that it’s a waiting game until Kara’s body finally starts to respond to the medication.

Alex decides then and there that she _hates_ asthma.Hates how powerless she feels.It wasn’t a disease she could surgically _cut_ out of Kara; it was a response.A trigger to something as simple as _laughing_ ; perfume; pollen; steps!The world itself was a hazard and it was terrifying.Maddening.

Eventually Kara falls asleep and Alex gets the full story.Kara had called an ambulance herself shortly before midnight but had been unable to let the paramedics into their apartment by the time they’d arrived.They’d gotten in through the building’s super who was, surprisingly, awake.

Only it wasn’t so surprising because Kara had called him a few times to ask how to close the vents in their apartment.A neighbor with an adjoining system had been smoking and the smell and smoke had filtered through into their apartment.

That the super had not assisted her was something that Alex was going to address second; first she wanted that asshole smoker out of the damn building.The lease agreement said that it was a smoke free property, otherwise Alex would have looked for other places when she’d moved Kara in with her.She wanted Kara to feel safe; to _be_ safe.

She’d already called Lucy about the incident and the lawyer had agreed to look into it for her.It wasn’t really Lucy’s specialty but she had a few connections she thought could help.Looking at Kara’s sleeping face, still pulled tight in pain, Alex felt little remorse in making anyone responsible pay for their crimes.

Fighting or not, Kara was still her wife and her well being was Alex’s responsibility.She wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt her.

~*~

 

**DAY** 82

 

“Ok, so did you look over the list of questions I gave you?”

The ‘yes’ came from both Kara and herself and Alex had to fight not to look over at the other woman.To say things had been tense would be an understatement, but they were both working their way through it.

‘It’ being the landmine riddled maze their lives had become.

They hadn’t kissed since before Kara hadn’t come home.No couch cuddling, no touching.Their ‘bonding’ nights had turned into awkward sharing of the shallowest inventions.

But the other night with Kara’s asthma attack had brought them together again if even only briefly.With the asthma dealt with and things back to normal they again had no idea how to act around each other.

It was terrible.

And painful.

Surprisingly, Kara hadn’t had any issues with keeping contact with Alex’s friends.Even though things were strained between them, Kara’s relationships with Alex’s inner circle had only improved.

Which made zero sense.

The continuation of Kara’s daily texts, dry as they now were with sporadic ‘it’s raining’ updates, were also odd.Though Alex supposed if immigration decided to go through their phone logs it was a good idea to keep that line active.

Her responses, ‘I have a spare umbrella in the hall closet and some rain boots under the bed if you need, at work now’ were generally met with silence.

On top of that, Kara has taken to meal prepping Alex’s lunches and dinners to ‘save money’.The food is delicious to be sure but with the amount of food Kara’s cooking… Alex isn’t sure which of them is the winner in this scenario.

In conclusion Kara’s way of communicating was imitating a meerkat; pop out of her hole sporadically and then slowly go back in.

It made Alex’s head hurt.

“Great,” Lucy continued, professional smile in place as she handed them an itinerary.“So then this is your schedule for tomorrow.Remember they’re more looking for terrorists… and honestly probably minorities.If they can get over the lesbianism you guys should be a shoe in.”

Alex gave her a bland look.“Gee, thanks Lucy.We feel so much better about ourselves now.”

“Privilege has its uses.You can sooth your guilt in that free clinic.I sooth mine by offering pro-bono cases in the inner city.We all have our cross to bear.”

“It’s still a shitty thing to say.”Kara’s voice is barely above a whisper and she doesn’t lift her gaze from where she is digging her toe into the lush rug.Alex wants to reach out but doesn’t.Kara’s made it clear that she doesn’t want that.

Lucy’s sharp green eyes connect with the tousled blonde locks on Kara’s head.“And I am working very hard for it to also be untrue on top of shitty.Make yourself an ally, not a whiner.You join me, you can shoot down my quips all you want, deal?”

It takes another second for Kara to look up but when she does, she looks determined.“Deal.”

~*~

**DAY** 83

 

The immigration interview is a success.

They are ushered into a small cluttered office and questioned by an older man who is clearly bored and unimpressed with their love story.

Kara does great; she gushes so much that _Alex_ almost believes her.

Almost.

The agent makes several more appointments for them, makes them sign some more paperwork and then shoos them away.

Phase 2 complete, Green Card acquired.

 

~*~

**DAY** 97

 

It’s freezing.Brutally so.

In National City.A city that Alex had thought she’d be safe in.Had picked specifically for the sunny beaches and warm weather and people frolicking around in flip flops and short shorts.

It was not meant to see temperatures below thirty!It was not meant to have a windchill that dropped those temperatures by another fifteen degrees!

And dammit!Alex was **not** meant to be outside in such weather!She didn’t even have a car!All she had was her stupid bike—not stupid, she was very sorry, she loved her bike very much, please never die—with her.

By all rights she should not have been out on her bike at all.It hadn’t rained but riding in these temperatures was still hazardous and the risk of black ice was ever present.

Still… her wife was out here.

Speaking of…

Kara’s blonde curls were tucked haphazardly under a red hat with a white fluffy ball on top and their owner was crouched low in front of a pile of blankets.

Alex pulled up and cut the engine, working on muscle memory to deploy the brake and stand before sprinting over to Kara.It might not be below zero, but it was still _cold,_ and Alex was, as previously mentioned, not meant for such weather.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Both Kara and the blanket startled, wide blue eyes turning to look up at her as though _she_ was the psycho.

“Alex?What are you—I mean, what—who—”

“It’s _freezing_ Kara!Where the hell is your coat!?”

Because Kara was not wearing one.She was only in a grey hoodie and leggings… _Alex’s_ grey hoodie as a matter of fact.Her Stanford one.

The thief.

“I—There was this guy and—”

“Is this woman bothering you?”That was from the blanket, who Alex was now realizing was actually a person.A woman person with extremely black eyes.

Unnervingly black.

Probably contacts…

Had to be…

“NO!”Kara hurriedly stood, placing herself in front of Alex and holding her hands out in a calming motion.“No.No one is bothering anyone.This is… Alex.She’s my wife.”She turned to Alex, pleading expression on her face.“I gave my coat to a man named Mike.He didn’t have one and it’s cold.”

A sort of exasperated fondness enveloped Alex at that statement because… of course that was what happened.Of course she had to marry the most annoying Saint on the planet.

Blanket lady raised her eyebrows, taking Alex in during Kara’s monologue.

“Her?Really?That’s what you went with?”

Alex bristled, old insecurities readily peeking their heads out at this overt judgement from a stranger.She opened her mouth to let loose her own barbs but surprisingly Kara’s hand squeezing her bicep—none to gently might she add—stopped her before she could.

“That was rude Leslie.Alex is… amazing.And kind, and smart, and…and she could probably have anyone she wants but she chose me.You don’t get to make her feel small.”

There’s a weird itchiness to her eyes and she pulls her arm away from Kara to remove her own coat—she’s wearing her leather jacket underneath—and throws it over Kara’s shoulders.

“We need to get inside. You _just_ got out of the hospital and it’s too cold out here to keep this up for long.What were you _doing?_ ”

Kara sighs as the warmth settles over her but doesn’t protest despite the long suffering look on her face.“It _is_ cold out here Alex.I have a warm home to go back to; these people don’t.”

“Right well, if she’s your friend then bring her too.”Alex grabs her hand and pulls her towards the bike.

The blonde doesn’t move, blinking startled eyes at Alex as she tugs futilely at her hand.Man what did this girl _eat?_ … _When_ did she eat?

“You’d let her come back with us?Just like that?”

“Would it get me inside faster?”

“Um…”

“Yes.”Leslie the Blanket Lady stood smoothly, still clutching her blanket and grinning over at them both in merriment.“Yes it would.But I have to bring my shit too.” 

Alex hesitated.“Is it infested?”

“Alex!”

“What?!You _know_ I’m a germaphobe!”

“She a cop?”

“What? No!”

Alex smirked, pleased to have something over the bleach blonde blanket lady.“My best friend is a cop though.”

Leslie grunted and dropped back to the ground in a graceless puddle.“I’m out.”

“Oh my god!”

“What do you have against cops?”Alex asked, feeling slightly off kilter that her message was received so hostilely.And that she was also still cold.

“The easier question to ask is what I don’t have against cops and that is their sugar fetish.I never turn down a good donut myself you know.”

Kara rubbed her hands over her face; her red hands and her red face.First signs of hypothermia.Alex grabs her phone and taps impatiently at the screen.

“Alex,” her wife started, sounding extremely tired and patient, a sure-fire way to regain Alex’s attention.“The cops aren’t exactly known for their use of words around here.”

“She means they kill us.”Leslie paused, tilting her head.“Or they lock us up; jail, institutions.Anywhere where we are no longer their problem.Out of sight, out of mind.”

Frowning, Alex crossed her arms defensively, shifting uneasily when Kara didn’t disagree with her friend. “That’s not all cops. Just because you had a bad experience—”

“Oh it was more than one!”

“A _few,”_ Alex concedes, “bad experiences, doesn’t mean you should just universally judge someone based on their job.”

“Oh sure narc, next time I’ll just ask them as sweet as can be, ‘excuse me kind sirs if I might ask you to not be so rough for one moment, are you a good cop or a bad cop?’”

Alex shifts again.“That’s not fair.”

“You wanna talk about fair?”Leslie rises to her feet lightning fast and Kara is quick to step between them again.“When did it become fair for people to live on the street like dogs?For other people to spit on them and kick them and judge them just because they don’t have money?Why does numbers stamped onto dyed paper make you better than me?”

Alex takes a step back, arms unwinding slowly.“I—it doesn’t.”

“Fucking right it doesn’t.”

“Leslie.Stop.”

“Fuck you, Kara.You think she gives a damn about you?You think if push came to shove, she’d choose _you?_ You’re a fucking transaction dipshit.A means to a fucking end. _”_

“No she’s not.”Alex pushes past Kara and glares Leslie to hell.“No. she’s. not.She’s my—” she stops herself from saying wife.The title feeling kind of intrusive now that Kara has pulled away from her.“—my friend and I may not understand all of this, but I know that I would choose her over a hell of a lot so fuck off.You want to have a go at me then fine, but you leave her out of it.Now, I am fucking freezing and _Kara’s_ skin is dying before my eyes.I’d like to get her inside before she’s exposed her blood vessels so are you coming or not?”

There’s an intense staring contest but Alex has always been good at those and eventually—after Alex’s toes have gone numb and she can no longer feel her cheeks—Leslie scoffs and looks away.

“I’m bringing my shit.”

“Sure.Whatever.”It’s not worth the fight at this point.Her landlord can bitch at her later.

Leslie quirks an eyebrow, still challenging and grating on Alex’s nerves.“You gonna fit us all on that bike of yours, Narc?”

“There’s a sidecar.”Alex chuckles when Leslie peeks around her to see for herself.“Now who’s the ‘dipshit’?I ordered you two an Uber.”She turns a stern gaze to Kara.“ _You_ have been outside too long.It should be here in two minutes so you,” she looks back at Leslie, “should get your ‘shit’.”

Alex ignores Leslie’s amused smirk and instead turns her attention back to the woman at her side.

Kara’s confused face is adorable, and it makes Alex _miss_ her.Miss the fledgling friendship they’d been building.

“When did you order an Uber?”

“Right before you scolded me.I’m sorry I’m so…” her mouth pinches as she searches for the right word, “ignorant.”

Behind them, a black sedan pulls up and, after a moment of hesitation, Kara moves to help Leslie with her blanket and the large backpack Alex hadn’t noticed before.

Alex goes to the driver’s door and taps on his window.

“The address is in the app, you get them there safe you get a nice tip.”She snaps a quick photo of his shocked face.“You try anything funny and I hunt your ass to the ends of the earth.”A quick tap on his door and she’s stepping away to her bike.

She stays long enough to see them take off before she follows after them, her helmet pulling down snug on her skull.

~*~

**DAY** 98

Maggie quirks an eyebrow when she sees Alex at her desk, and, to be fair, she must look a right sight.It’s still freezing out and Alex is wearing two coats, a scarf, glove and hat.Indoors.

No, she is not exaggerating.

“You lost Danvers?”

“I let a homeless woman in my house and she’s annoying the shit out of me.”Alex gestures towards Maggie’s desk.“Also, I brought you lunch.”

Maggie frowns, eyeing the food with a mixture of distaste and hunger, a look she and Lucy had perfected over the years. They hated when Alex flaunted her money almost as much as Alex hated when they pointed out she was spending money. 

The detective drops the manila folder in her hand on the wooden tabletop and gives Alex her attention.“As much as I’m not liking the cat and mouse game Kara seems to be playing, that’s hardly any way to talk about your—”

“No,” Alex interrupts impatiently, “not Kara.Her friend.Leslie.She’s the most annoying woman I’ve ever met and she’s eating all of my food.She ate my chocolate stash!”Maggie’s brows shoot up and Alex nods solemnly.

“How did she even find—No you know what, never mind that.I wanna know how she came to be in your apartment in the first place.”

“Because it’s cold.”

“You let in all the homeless people when it gets cold?”Maggie asks dubiously.

“Of course not but Kara—”

“Alex stop.”Maggie holds up a hand and drops into her chair. Alex fights the fidget that wants to make its way out of her body at Maggie’s lecture voice.It rarely ever comes out, but when it does, it means Maggie means business. “This is getting out of hand.I know you like this girl, and I know that you’ve never actually had real feelings like this for anyone else, but you can’t be her doormat.It’s important that you let yourself feel this and _experience_ this.That’s important.”Maggie leaned forward, eyes boring into Alex’s own as she dropped her smart-ass persona in favor of helping her friend.“But you can’t let yourself be _led_ by these feelings.Maybe if the two of you had just met and were flirting sure, but you’re married Danvers.It changes things.You went from 10 to 50 real damn quick and the reason you can’t move past that is because there’s nothing in between there.You don’t know anything about this girl.Nothing important.Nothing you do or say is going to work until you take the time to build those foundation blocks.”

There’s an uncomfortable feeling in her chest and she feels kind of like a scolded child.Still, since they’re on the topic, “I just wanted to help and I—”

“And that’s great Alex.It really is.Honestly, chances are you saved this woman, Leslie’s, life.You should be proud.”Maggie purses her lips, “But Kara doesn’t know shit about you either and, as someone with my own street experience, it might look like you were trying to buy her affection.It’s shitty and I don’t think Kara would _want_ to think that, but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t crossed her mind.We’re not a very trusting folk us street urchins.”

“You got kicked out when you were like fifteen.”

“Does that no longer count?”Maggie raises a brow in challenge and Alex only slinks lower in her chair.

“You went to live with your aunt.”She mutters under her breath, looking for any excuse for Maggie not to be right.It was the _worst_ when Maggie actually made sense.“You can’t be a street urchin in an apartment.”

Maggie, of course, ignores her.

“What you need to do is slow the fuck down.Learn who you married.This is all bright and shiny now, but you could learn something about her that will turn you off real quick.”She raises her hands placatingly when Alex scowls.“I’m not saying it will happen, I’m just saying it might.Trying to court a stranger is difficult.Especially when you want more than sex out of it.Trying to court a friend… that’s a story with many a happy ending.”

~*~

**DAY** 100

The cold lasts another 2 days before they return to the balmy mid-fifties and Alex is able to kick Leslie out.

And by kick out she means direct her to a community outreach center that has her in emergency housing by the end of the week.It takes a few phone calls on Alex’s end and a few bills but Leslie has her own place and is out of Alex’s hair, so she counts it as a win.

Kara however is still grumpy.

Which Alex does _not_ understand.She’d helped her friend.Had offered her home and only slightly manic cleaned after her departure.

…Ok, she had directed her cleaning lady to manic clean, but Alex had _barely_ gone over everything with a fine-tooth comb.She should have brownie points!

Instead she’s sitting on her couch stuffing her face with donuts and watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.When even the perky red head’s messy life didn’t bring a smile to her face, Alex knew she had hit rock bottom.

She dropped her head against the back of the couch and sunk herself deep into the cushions.This was such bullshit.

“I made pasta…”Kara’s voice trails off when Alex ignores her in favor of taking another bite of her donut.“You can’t survive on sugar Alex.”

“Watch me.”Her voice is so cold that _she_ barely recognizes it, but she’s tired and she’s hurting and so her walls are a bit taller than normal.

Kara sighs, “you do realize you _like_ pasta, right?”

“I’ll order UberEATS.”

Scratch that—A lot taller.

“Why do you do this?”Kara asks, throwing her hands up.

Alex squints, offended.“Me? _I’m_ the one in the wrong here?”

“Yes!You were just so nice—”

“Oh, so I’m just supposed to let you walk all over me?Be “nice” to you all the damn time and expect nothing in return?”She rolls her eyes and returns her attention to Kimmy Schmidt.At least the red head on the TV is entertaining.Kara’s a jerk.

Eliza had always warned Alex that she ran too hot.That she didn’t allow herself to question and give others the chance to explain.That she should cultivate patience.

Alex had obviously never quite learned that lesson.

“What? No!That’s not what I said.I just… never know which Alex to expect.One second you’re so sweet and you say all the best things, and the next… the next you’re a complete _ass!”_

Kimmy Schmidt temporarily forgotten, Alex turns her attention to Kara, jaw dropping at the insult.“I’m the ass?Me?”She shook her head in disbelief, dropping her donut back into the box.“You’re the one who keeps leading _me_ on!You’re all like ‘Alex is amazing’ and then you drop my ass as soon as your friend isn’t around.”

“ ** _FIRST_** of all—I do _not_ sound like that.”Alex scoffs, re-slumps herself and stuffs more donut in her mouth.“And second, what are you talking about?You’re the one who said you were only in this for your papers.How could I _possibly_ be leading you on?”

Kara looks genuinely flabbergasted and it only fuels Alex’s annoyance.“ _You_ said that you weren’t the happily ever after type.Why would I keep spewing feelings when you clearly weren’t interested?”

“What?”

Alex flings her hands wide, fed up with the whole situation.“What, what?!”

Kara shakes her head and pinches her brow, the crinkle in her forehead becoming extremely pronounced.“Ok, wait.Let’s back up.You said this wasn’t real because you thought I wasn’t interested?”

“Obviously!”Alex stands up and slams her hands on her hips, her irritation growing as she prepares for battle.Unfortunately Kara seems to be calming down.

“Alex,” she says with a soft head shake.“I never said I wasn’t interested.I… I feel like I’m _forcing_ things on you and—I’m not, _not_ interested in you Alex.”

Oh.

Well than.

Her hands drop from her hips, raise again, and finally drop loosely at her sides.

Well now she was just confused.

“But… you _said—”_

“I _said_ that I wasn’t the marrying type.Look at me Alex.”Alex did as was requested but couldn’t quite pinpoint the issue.Kara gave a sweeping gesture down her front.“Everything on me right now, you gave me.I don’t _own_ anything.I’m still in school and as much as I hope I’ll be worth something today, I’m not right now.Right now… Alex you are _so_ far ahead of me and it’s not fair—

“I don’t care.”Alex interrupts, heart thumping in her chest as she takes a hesitant step forward.She wants to shake Kara, grab her and force her to understand that it was never about that.“I don’t care.”

Kara shakes her head and drops her eyes to her hands, the digits of her fingers twisting in front of her.“God, I had this all planned you know.Get you your papers and get out.This wasn’t supposed to be…”

There’s a hopeless air around the blonde now and it makes Alex ache, want to reach out and comfort her, shake her, just touch her… but Kara has already taken that right away from her.

Ignoring the fact that Alex was also not great at this, surprisingly _Maggie_ was the comforter of the group, she was also wholly unprepared.Maggie was the one who gave out hugs and offered solid advice.Alex backed people up with grunts and nods and ‘you totally didn’t deserve that’ along with the odd ‘do you want me to kick his ass?’

Except, as annoying as she found Kara’s unawareness, there was no one in the wrong here.

Her and Kara were just… split.

Kara looks back up at her with glassy eyes and dry cheeks, a fond smile playing at the corners of her mouth.“Why did you have to be so wonderful?”

Alex isn’t sure how to respond to that, the offhand compliment making her uncomfortable and off kilter, so she falls back on her defense mechanisms with a shrug.

“I try really hard not to be.”

“Well,” Kara closes the distance between them and cups Alex’s face in her hands, fingers tangling in auburn hair and tilting her head up so they could lock eyes.“You have failed extremely well Dr. Danvers.”

A shiver runs down Alex’s spine and she wants badly to close the distance and kiss Kara, but Maggie’s words come back to her.

They’d already skipped so many steps and, when she let this _thing_ control them and the course of their relationship, they only wound up hurting each other.

Because they didn’t _know_ each other.Didn’t understand the other’s intentions or know their nuances.Everything was offensive because they didn’t have that basic level of understanding that friendship required.

Alex would prefer to have Kara as a friend than not have her as anything at all.

“Do you want to watch Kimmy Schmidt with me?We can eat the pasta on the couch.”Alex offered, shifting anxiously in Kara’s hold as she awaited the reception of her olive branch.

“Don’t you have a surgery your supposed to be studying for?”Kara’s head tilted adorably, and her thumbs stroked over Alex’s cheekbones.To say Alex was melting would have been an understatement.

“Do you want to watch surgical videos with me?”She tried again.

Kara’s smile is hesitant but there and she nods approvingly.“I will if I can study for my test while we’re at it.”

“Multitasking.I like it.I’ll help you with your flashcards.”

And _that_ Kara smile…

Well, Alex is officially a puddle.

 

~*~

Alex finds out Kara has a part-time job as a reward for her patience.They’re in bed later that night, turned on their sides so their facing each other and Kara is playing with Alex’s fingers as she confesses the small secret.

“I’ve been working for M’gann for… two years now?Somewhere around there.”Kara lips twitch into a smirk when she looks at Alex probably because Alex looks absolutely dumbfounded.“Homeless people can have jobs too Alex.Unfortunately, in order to afford housing in this city you need to make a hell of a lot more than minimum wage.Or have a roommate.I don’t see anyone lining up to have a homeless person live with them, do you?”

“Well I signed my name on the list but the turnaround time was—"

“I don’t want to have to depend on you.”Kara interrupts, face serious as she clearly stops the lame joke Alex was going to try to employ.“I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us and I refuse to take advantage of you.Besides I like having something of my own.”

Alex nods like she understands.She does not.Not completely.Not yet… she’s trying though.

“For the record I don’t see it as you taking advantage.We had a deal and—”

“Can we forget that this started as that?I think… I think that’s why we both keep putting our combined feet in our mouths.Neither of us should feel… I don’t know, ‘entitled’ to anything from the other.”

“Good verbiage.”

“Thank you.”

Alex rolls her lips and fights not to scoot closer.She is quickly learning that, when it comes to Kara at least, she is a very physically affectionate person.Having to fight these urges is tiring but these past few months have shown her that she and Kara are not in a place where physical affection should come this easily.At least not when they can’t also communicate at the same level.They need to build a foundation of trust and understanding before Alex can close any more gaps.

It’s frustrating because Kara is _right there,_ but in the long run… she’s got a fairly good idea that Kara will be worth it.

“So no more contract.”

“No,” Kara agrees, lacing their fingers together and resting them between the fluffy pillows.“At least not until something else pops up in your interview.”Kara bites her lip; a move Alex has come to learn—and she _is_ learning—means the blonde has something she wants to share but is scared of the reaction.She gives in to her urges and squeezes Kara’s hand before pressing a feather light kiss against the back.The release of the lip is worth the small indiscretion.

“We can just be roommates.”Is the suggestion when it finally comes, Kara’s eyes focused on the threads of Alex’s sheets.“I think putting all that… _pressure_ on ourselves to just _be_ together… that was weird… and stupid.”Her eyes dart up again, wide and blue and beautiful.“Not that _you’re_ stupid!I’m not saying that!I just think that we need…”

She flounders and Alex squeezes her hand again.

“Roots,” she offers, trying to convey her own understanding of Kara’s speech and pleased that they are finally— _finally –_ on the same page.“We keep getting tossed about because we don’t have any roots.It’s like you said before, we don’t know anything about each other.”

Kara offers a pained smile and pulls Alex’s hand closer to her chest.“I know _some_ things now.I know that you don’t know how to cook… and that that is actually something that hurts you.I’m sorry I was such a… _jerk_ about it.”

“It’s ok.”There’s an uncomfortable feeling in her chest with the apology.One that makes her want to snatch her hand back and turn over.

She doesn’t.

“It’s not.”Kara’s mouth is a firm line that Alex does not allow herself to look above.There’s a slight gap between the u-line of her collar and the soft paleness of her neck that throws a shadow arching high over her collarbone.She smells differently than when she first got here, but other than ‘not like the streets’ Alex doesn’t have an adequate description.It’s just nice.“It’s not ok Alex.I judged you based on things you were already doing long before I was even in the picture and I made it about me.That was… arrogant.You’re entitled to your lifestyle; you’ve worked hard for it.Just because _I’m_ not comfortable with it, doesn’t mean I should be pushing you to stop.Every time you’ve done something you think is hurtful to me, you’ve apologized.I haven’t and… I’m sorry Alex.You don’t deserve that.You’ve never deserved that.”

Alex does pull her hand away now, and she does turn onto her back.She fights to control her breathing but doesn’t shrug her off when Kara rests a hand on her hip.

Neither of them says anything else that night.

~*~

**DAY** 101

 

Alex starts sleeping at home again.

~*~

 

**DAY** 102

 

“Oh my!Adam didn’t hit me!”

They’re in the kitchen and Kara has once again taken it upon herself to teach Alex how to cook.Today they are making a veggie stir fry and Alex is trying to work through their previous disagreements.

This new information throws her for a loop.

“What?But you said—"

“Shut up he just... God, he was trying to kiss me ok?And he... fell I guess and...”

Ignoring the irrational anger and jealousy she feels about the apparent ‘affair’, Alex chooses to instead concern herself with the injury in question.

“He… bruised your face trying to… kiss you?”Groan from the blonde.If Kara could stop stirring the delicious smelling vegetables around Alex is sure she would be hiding her face in a pillow or something she’s that red.Unfortunately, Alex is starting to have fun with this.“Kara.”

“It's embarrassing ok?I didn't tell you because it's—and I didn't want you to think that I... that I wanted someone else because... it was just all really stupid and _all_ him and just … dumb.”

Those vegetables are starting to look a little over done, even to Alex.And she’s questioning whether Kara needs to be stirring quite so vigorously.

The smirk on her face is completely justified.

“Well... at least I know I'm not the world's worse kisser.”

Kara huffs, some of the redness finally leaving her cheeks.

“No,” she agrees, “you're definitely not.”

 

**DAY** 105

 

It snows 3 days after the brutal cold ends.In National City.

It snows in national city.

Alex’s _safe haven._

Kara, predictably, is besides herself with amazement and jumps up and down on their balcony with the glass doors wide open.

Alex grouches in the corner, a comforter hanging around her shoulders as she both marvels at the happiness Kara is exuding and wonders just how far south she has to move to escape cold.

Then Kara gets a look.

Alex does not like that look.

“Kara don’t you dare thrown that snowball—” She gets beamed in the face, “ _fucking hell that’s cold!_ ”

It really truly is but despite that, despite the annoyance and mild grumpiness she’s feeling, she also really like that Kara’s laughing around her again.

She’ll take her lumps.

 


	2. You Love the Way I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to basics. Because friendship is way more fun then romance. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I think I mentioned that I used to be pre-med. During my tenure of dreaming of being a surgeon, one of my assignments was to cure an incurable disease. It was to get us excited and what not and it was a long time ago but... I still had that assignment and I kind of used it for Alex in this part. Her method is 10000% theoretical and unproven and while it has a basis in science it should not at all be taken seriously... 
> 
> Not that that's over with, enjoy :)

** You Love the Way I Am… **

****

**DAY** 152

 

“Run.Run for your life.”Her resident, Vasquez, darts across the counter in front of her.The mumbled words barely heard as her friend hurries away from her.

Alex is left with a slack mouth and confusion, the trauma attending, Brian Phi, looking just as lost.They trade alarmed looks across the counter and Alex starts to close her bag of baby carrots.

What the—

“Danvers!”

Shit.

Alex jumps to her feet, head snapping in the direction Vasquez had come from.Surgical Chief J’onn Jones strides across the ER like Moses parting the red sea, people leap out of his way and clear a path as he focuses in on Alex with a single-minded determination.

“Sir!I—um what brings you to the pit?”She tries for a confident smile, feels it strain at the corners.

“My office now!”J’onn says without breaking stride.

Alex tries not to look like a scared duckling following after it’s mother but it’s very hard to do.This man practically helped _raise_ her and now he was apparently mad at her?She was well used to disappointing her mother and in turn, getting the exasperated looks from her father, but this?J’onn had only ever been proud of her.

When they reach J’onn’s office, he stands facing the wall with his hands perched on his hips.The pressed blue button down wraps tight around his shoulders and everything about him screams tension.

Alex closes the door behind her but does not sit.

“You married a patient?”

Oh.Well at least J’onn wasn’t beating around the bush.

“J’onn,” she starts to explain… or _tries_ to start to explain.Her pseudo father kind of just steam rolls over her and turns to her with fury in his eyes.

“YOU MARRIED A PATIENT?!”

“Ok, just calm down—”

“Don’t you tell me to calm down Alex.”J’onn wags a finger at her, veins bulging as he uses the other hand to loosen the tie at his throat.A good idea in Alex’s opinion since he looked like he was on the verge of choking himself.“You got married and you didn’t tell me!I had to hear about it from some government official poking around for loose ends!”

Right.

Ok.

So she had forgotten to tell J’onn.Bad move.

Frustrated, she drags a hand through her hair and flops into a chair.“I’m sorry ok.I’ve just been… distracted.I meant to tell you when I told mom and dad but mom didn’t…I was distracted.”

And just like that the tension in J’onn’s body drains and he too slouches into his chair, albeit with a lot more grace than Alex had.

“Eliza… has not always had the _softest_ touch.” J’onn finally allows, although he still looks grouchy.“This doesn’t excuse you starting a relationship with a _patient_ Alex.With one of your _own_ patients.There are _rules_ against this.”

“She’s _barely_ my patient.” Alex argues, leaning forward and placing her palms on J’onn’s desk.“I’m a neurosurgeon and I met Kara when I was working at the free clinic.That’s not really my domain.”When J’onn only gives her an unimpressed look, she sinks back and palms her face.“I’m not treating her anymore J’onn and…”There’s a weight on her shoulders that’s damn near stifling and she feels so tired… “I married a patient because I spend my life in the hospital.I barely go home except to sleep.When they threatened to deport me, I panicked, got drunk, and found the only person I’ve been remotely attracted to in years and married them.The fact that she was my patient didn’t even cross my mind until after.”She dropped her hands and forced herself to look back at J’onn, the gentle care there settling over her like a soothing balm.“I know it’s not exactly ethical but I haven’t, and I _won’t,_ force her into anything she doesn’t want to do.She’s… special.”

After a long stretch of silence, J’onn finally shakes his big head and drops his arms.“You’ve certainly gotten off on the wrong foot for that.”

“Trust me I know.”Alex grouches, remembering how just that morning Kara had stiffened when Alex had swiped one of her breakfast sandwiches.That girl really had a thing with food.“I’m working on it.”

“And the authorities?”

“Lucy said she has that covered.She tells us what to do and we do it.”

It’s a relief, that J’onn is acting so calm about this.She didn’t know what she would do if he’d actually yelled at her.

He nods again, “I have some friends in immigration, I’ll make a few calls.See if I can’t get this done with any sooner.Did you at least have a prenup?”

“Done with?”Alex asks dumbly.She feels quite slow at the abrupt change of pace.“Prenup?I mean Lucy made one but—”

“Good.At least one of you has sense.”He squints at her, looking mildly annoyed.“And this girl, will she be a problem?If you’re trying to avoid your parents—”

“J’onn, stop.”Alex voice is even, almost deadly quiet, and it makes J’onn blink.But she hates the picture she’s getting of Kara from his words.“Kara isn’t some… trollop that I found.She’s generous and compassionate and authentic and…”She shrugs, trying and failing to adequately find a word to describe her wife.Kara’s always had better words for these things.Alex feels like a poor substitute.“She’s got the _best_ heart J’onn.If it weren’t for the marriage, I’d still be trying to figure out a way to ask her out.This isn’t… temporary for me.I’m… I want her to stay.I want…” She huffs a frustrated breath and grabs at her fringe, “I want her to _want_ to stay.”

J’onn stares for a long time before heaving a deep sigh and dropping his head into weary hands.“Oh, Alex.What have you gotten yourself into this time?”

~*~

**DAY** 161

 

Alex has discovered that Kara has a sweet tooth via her cleaning lady.She’d complained quite loudly to Alex about the copious amounts of candy wrappers stuffed under the mattress.

Kara apparently has a sugar addiction.

Alex apologizes to the cleaning lady… Jessica?... and increases her tip.

At least now she knows a weak point.The next time she wants something she can just threaten Kara’s stash!

 

~*~

**DAY** 171

 

Alex is on her way to see a patient when Kara calls.It’s about a ten-minute walk to get from one end of the hospital to the other so Alex reasons that she can just make that last a tad longer to speak to her wife…. Roommate.

“Hey.”She answers cheerfully.

Kara’s response is not so cheerful.“Did you not tip Jennifer this month?”

Alex does not know who Jennifer is and racks her brain for a maybe irate delivery person who would have the balls to track Kara down about a tip.

Nothing comes to mind.

“Um… who?”

In retrospect she could have come up with a more intelligent response.

“Jennifer!”Kara says, the irritation in her voice increasing.“ _Your_ cleaning lady.Who was apparently instructed to only come clean the apartment when I have class!”

Alex frowns, pushing a button to open the door in front of her.Navigating an irate Kara is a skill she has only barely begun to learn.“I’m not sure why I’m in trouble here.Are you upset because I have a cleaning lady or because I forgot to tip her?”

“I’m upset because you have a cleaning lady in the first place!You’re neurotic enough for the both of us!What are you trying to clean?”

“Leslie—”

“Stop right there!”

Alex gulps, pauses in her stride near the elevator, shuffles for a moment before deciding she needs to take the stairs.

“Kara, I wasn’t keeping it a secret.It’s just… you _hate_ when I spend money.It’s like a crime.”She steps aside as an intern rushes past her, taking the slight distraction to try to collect her thoughts.“And I didn’t _not_ tip her.I have it in our bedside drawer on my side.I just wasn’t expecting her to be there _now…_ when you are not in class.”

Kara exhales loudly, a long-suffering sigh escaping her lungs.“Alex… you’re not even _here_ enough for us to have a cleaning lady.If you need help around the apartment I can—”

“No,” the response, irrational as it is, feels justified.Kara isn’t Alex’s _servant_.That is not the relationship she wants to build with the woman.“I don’t need you to pick up after me.That’s why I pay the cleaning lady—”

“ _Jennifer—”_

_“—Jennifer.”_ Alex corrects with some annoyance.“That’s why I pay her.I want you to be comfortable and part of that is making sure you have a clean home to come back to.”

Kara sighs again.“Alex… you don’t have to take care of me.Not like this.I can clean up after myself.”

“So you want me to fire her?”Alex challenges, knowing that that would set Kara off even worse than her hiring the cleaning—Jennifer.

There’s a long stretch of silence and then Kara huffs again.“It’s unnecessary.”

“Maybe for you… Jennifer probably appreciates having a job.”

“You’re a… jerk.”

Alex’s feels a slight tick at her mouth and realizes she’s fighting a smile.“Did you seriously call me to bitch about the cleaning lady?”

“This isn’t over.”

“I’m saving lives you know.Your little phone session probably resulted in someone losing their neurological functions.Karen just slapped herself silly because of you.”Alex says, the laugh bubbling in her chest spilling into her voice.

“You can cook your own dinner.”

The chuckle dies quickly.“Wait!”

 

~*~

The patient is important.Huge actually, if they were talking in terms of the mortality rates.A death sentence at twelve and a mother begging Alex to do whatever she possibly could to save her kid’s life.

It was impossible.

Alex _knows_ it’s impossible.

The glioblastoma is about the size of a large olive at the moment; they hadn’t caught it early but neither had they caught it too late.

Although when it came to glioblastoma’s, nine times out of ten it was too late.

Poor fucking kid.

Rubbing a hand down her face, Alex stares hard at the scans in front of her.Thinking everything over in her head.

It was impossible.

There was no way.

This would _ruin_ her career.

Symptoms: headaches, nausea, and blurred vision so far.

Although Carter _had_ started complaining about his balance.

Still… Alex could treat those… make him comfortable… he already said the glasses his mother had gotten for him helped a little.

Shame though… he was a handsome kid and the thick frames did little to make the blue of his eyes pop.He would have been a lady killer without them… maybe in a few years…

He didn’t have a few years…

Twelve.

No ladies.

Or men for that matter.

Maybe both, Alex wasn’t judging.

It did bring her back to why she was hesitating…

Carter looked like Kara’s little brother.If she were to have one that is.Alex is well aware that Kara only has her cousin left, and from what little she’s learned—Kara is super protective over any and all knowledge of the child—he’s much younger than Carter.

Still doesn’t make this any harder.

This was impossible.

She would never be able to say such a thing to Kara if it were Clark’s life in the balance.

She was going to do more harm than good.

Unless she wasn’t.

Unless she saved him.

People said _surgery_ wasn’t possible and two hundred years after the first tracheotomy, it was the cutting edge of medicine.It took a while to catch on sure but… everything is impossible until someone else does it.

Hubris.

She was _not_ qualified for this.

Everyone else had turned them away.

Who could she send them to?

There was no one else.

Just her.

It was impossible.

She looks at Carter Grant and can’t quite find it in herself to tell _them_ it’s impossible.

 

~*~

**DAY** 191

 

“How’s Kara?”Jeremiah asks.

“Everyone always asks ‘how’s Kara’ but no one ever asks ‘how’s Alex’.”Alex says with a sigh, biting into an apple as she scrolls through some preliminary test results.Her dad’s face smiles at her from her laptop screen and he sticks his tongue out her to show his maturity level.

“I can see you are in good health.Eating your fruits and veggies and harassing your old man.No trace of your trademark surliness.”

“Hey!” Her attention pulls from the side of her screen to Jeremiah in a heartbeat.“I’m not surly!”

“It’s one of your cuter qualities.”Kara comments as she walks by with a basket of laundry and ignores Alex’s glare.

“You have a smart wife.”Jeremiah says with a laugh.

Alex scowls.“Too smart.Now that you can see we’re both alive what else can I do for you?”

“Woah, rushing the old man off already?”

“You’re not old dad.You’re barely in your fifties.You’ll live.Now that cougar you married…”

Jeremiah chuckles loud and clear.“Don’t let her hear you talking like that.I just wanted to catch up see how your case load is going.Make sure J’onn isn’t stressing you out to much.”

“My cases are fine.I’ve got a steady flow nothing too crazy.”

They finish catching up and, much to Alex’s relief, it is Jeremiah who is eventually pulled away.She takes another bite of her apple and continues scrolling through the paperwork Vasquez had sent over.

There’s an interesting study about a metal alloy that kills cancer cells on contact.The problem is introducing the metal into the human body.There are numerous trials already underway but nothing Alex can really use.

“I thought you said you were super busy at the hospital?”

“Huh?”

Alex tilts her head towards Kara to signal she’s listening but otherwise keeps her attention on the article.

“You just told your dad you had a normal case load but you’ve been averaging two to three procedures a day on top of this new case.”

“Oh, um yeah, no I must have forgotten.”

While the metal sounds great, without a viable introductory method it’s useless.Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any other medical advancements in treating aggressive growths.

“Alex, you didn’t forget.”Kara plops down on the stool next to her and gently rests her hand on Alex’s.As annoying as it is to be interrupted during a brainstorming session, Kara rarely ever interrupts Alex when she’s working.She’ll allow it.“Hey, why didn’t you tell your dad the truth?He’d be _proud_.You’re doing so well!”

Alex snorts.“You clearly don’t know my parents.He’d just worry.”

“At your greatness?”Alex snorts again and Kara looks at her incredulously, blue eyes wide.Her hair swishes against her shoulders as she shakes her head in disbelief.“Do you know how many lives I save a day?Zero.I save literally no one.You’ve saved probably twenty people in a week.”

“An exaggeration but ok.Is there a point?”

Kara shakes her head again.“Can you tell me like _one_ good thing about yourself?”

“What?”laughing awkwardly, Alex takes another bite of her apple.“Fuck off; what kind of question is that?”

“The kind of question you can’t answer.”Alex snorts and turns her attention back to her computer.Kara closes the screen.

“Hey!”

“Alex,” she starts patiently, thumb rubbing over the naked skin at Alex’s wrist.“You are incredibly smart and kind and gifted and interesting and quirky and just… great.You’re so great Alex.”

Her face feels like it’s on fire and her heart is thundering quite loudly in her ears.Everything in her is telling her to bolt; to do something to make this weirdness go away.Why does Kara want to talk about this now?Or ever?They could just like never talk about this.

Still… it’s rude to not say something after receiving a compliment and Alex had just received several so…

“… you’re pretty great too.”

Kara laughs and taps her fingers on Alex’s wrist.“I mean it; your friendship means so much to me.I’m so unbelievably grateful to have you in my life.Not because of your money or your apartment or profession.Just because of you.Your personality.Even the cranky bits.”

Abort.Abort the fucking mission.What mission was she even on?How had she gotten here?She’d just wanted to eat her damn apple.

Fine!Two could play this game.

“Well… you do save one life a day.”Alex makes sure she’s looking directly into those blue eyes when she delivers this next line.“Mine.”

Kara looks at her for a long time, eyes twitching slightly, before she guffaws and shoves at Alex’s shoulder.Alex laughs too, happily finishing her apple and glad that the tension is gone.

“Oh my god that was terrible.”

“Thank you.Can I get back to work now?”

Kara flicks her forehead but moves back to her pile of laundry.

It feels normal, this life.

~*~

 

**DAY** 199

 

It’s a Sunday morning and Alex is off and in bed.Her fluffy duvet is a cloud around her, and the thermostat is just this side of freezing and—

She feels Kara shift, peeking over at Alex’s still ‘sleeping’ form before slowly easing herself out of bed.Alex scowls as some of the cold enters her cocoon.

“Where are you going?”She asks in lieu of scolding Kara, voice scratchy and face feeling slightly stiff as she rubs at it.

Kara pauses midway in pulling up her pants, sighs and drops to her knees in front of Alex’s head.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly, nose scrunching adorably.“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“’s’okay.”Alex slurs, stretching her legs and feeling like she’s at a spa.“Why are you leaving?I can make you breakfast if you’re hungry.”

Kara smiles and pushes some hair out of Alex’s face.“You can’t cook silly,” the smile keeps the sting out of the words and Kara shakes her head fondly.“And I can make my own bowl of Frosted Flakes.”

“’s’not healthy.”

“No,” Kara admits, smile growing as she continues to play in Alex’s hair.There’s a snag of tension at the corners of her eyes and Alex frowns, sleepily raising her own hand and resting it on Kara’s wrist.

She doesn’t really mind the Frosted Flakes after all, lots of people eat them and continue to live happy, healthy lives.She doesn’t understand Kara’s apparent sugar addiction, but she’s not going to knock her for it either.

“You ok?”

Kara bites her lip and nods slowly before releasing a breath.“Do you want to come with me?”

The question pulls Alex the rest of the way awake, and she can do little more than blink and nod dumbly.

Kara smiles again, softer this time.

“Ok.”

~*~

Going with Kara means going out into National City’s version of winter.It’s old balmy fifty-degree version, not the hellscape that had rained down on Alex a few weeks ago.

This weather only required her to put her favorite grey hoodie on under her leather jacket, but Alex still opted for an infinity scarf just in case.

One could rarely be too warm.

Kara giggled when she saw the finished product and pulled Alex along behind her to a corner store.Kara picks up a few things that Alex tries not to stare too hard at.She’s learning about boundaries—Kara’s boundaries specifically, and since the blonde hadn’t invited her to check out her purchases she wouldn’t dig.

Or offer her opinion on getting colored juice drinks that were more sugar than actual fruit.

Not her business.

After the store Kara sort of just… walks.Alex is happy with the walk because she can count it as a workout and Kara fills her in on hidden city secrets that’s she’s learned from her years on the streets.

There’s a an old building that Alex had kind of just thought was a drug den that is actually a shelter.Kara claims they’re the nicest shelter in the city in terms of staff, that they don’t turn anyone away unless they’re at capacity _and_ that they’re handicap accessible.Alex hadn’t realized that there were shelters that _weren’t_ handicap accessible.

Apparently, it’s a thing.

She also learns, as they pass the building that she _does_ recognize as a shelter, that the leading charity of National City is homophobic and asks those seeking aid their sexual preference.Kara had made the mistake—re: not a mistake, Alex hates people—of being honest her first time around and they had told her there was no room for her.

They’d repeated that story until she’d finally gotten the hint. 

Alex made a note to pull her donations.

“And this,” Kara says with a grin as she pulls Alex up to a food truck, “is Elaf!”

The man in the truck is on the smaller side, and older, but he lights up like a candle when he sees Kara.

“My friend!” He surges forward into the window and gestures her forward.“Where have you been?Staying out of trouble I hope?”

Kara scoffs good naturedly.“I’m never in any trouble Elaf, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”She tugs Alex closer and gives her a shy smile.“This is Alex.”

“Ah,” Elaf gives Alex a once over and nods approvingly.“So you get yourself a woman and you forget about me, huh?”

“No!”Kara’s shoulders rise up to her ears and a red flush covers her cheeks.

Alex takes pity on her and holds out her hand.“It’s a pleasure to meet you sir.”

He takes her hand and gives it a firm shake.

“Polite, I like this one.”His eyes—brown Alex realizes—narrow on Kara and he wags a finger.“Don’t rub off on her.I like her nice.”

Kara balks and sputters and Alex laughs.

They eventually leave the food truck with three containers of free food.Kara had tried to pay and Elaf had looked at her like she’d grown a second head.

Alex gets the story on their way to wherever they’re going.

Kara had been a sixteen-year-old runaway with nowhere to go and no real way to take care of herself.She’d gotten some ‘job offers’ but had always run away before anyone could catch her.Apparently she was very fast.

So fast, that she’d thought she could steal from a food truck.

As it turned out, Elaf was even faster but he allowed Kara to keep the food in return for a few errand runs.He’d given her money to buy some ingredients he was short on and she, although sorely tempted to run off with said money, had followed through.

He’d been looking out for her ever since.

“So you were never into the drug scene?”Alex asks as she takes a sip from the milky drink Elaf had insisted she try.She’s carrying the bags of food in one arm and holding her cup in the other as they meander along, and she tries to understand how Kara remained so _good_.It wasn’t that she thought Kara was an addict, she knew she wasn’t from the bloodwork she’d had to pull, but that she’d _never_ tried drugs?Living on the streets, that seemed near impossible.

And also kind of a waste.

If Alex hadn’t had any parents, she was pretty sure she’d have tried drugs even earlier than her near catastrophic sophomore year in med school.

Smells like Teen Spirit and all that.

“Nope.”Kara admits, munching on a churro covered in almonds and chocolate.“Didn’t ever want to risk it.”

“Because of the shelters?”

Kara shakes her head, eyes fixing on something to Alex’s right so intensely, that Alex herself looks over.

There’s a small boy, maybe six or seven, dressed in a dark green windbreaker and blue jeans running at them full speed.

“Because of him.”Kara says, something like awe in her voice as she stoops low to catch the laughing child in her arms.

Oh.

Her cousin.

Kara’s cousin.

An older couple strolls up not long after and smiles politely at Alex.Kara hefts the child onto her hip—Clark Alex thinks his name is—and turns to the adults with a smile.

“Martha, John, Clark this is my wife Alex.Alex these are Clark’s foster parents and this big guy,” she wriggles her fingers into the boy’s side and he squirms around laughing, “is Clark.My cousin.”

Oh.

“I um,” Alex hastily wipes her hand, damp from her drink, on her pants leg and offers it up for a shake.“Pleased to meet you sir, ma’am.”

They both shake her hand with smiles, Martha’s kind blue eyes crinkling with happiness, as she glances at Kara.“Oh sweetie, she’s beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Kara admits while swaying with Clark in her arms and giving Alex a pleased smile, “she is.”

Alex blushes and rocks back on her heels, the unexpected compliment making her slightly uncomfortable.

“We won’t take up much of your time.”John says, gesturing into the park—National City National Park to be exact, how had Alex missed that?“We’re set up in the same spot as usual.”He tugs on Clark’s ear.“You be good for your cousin, right?”

“Yes Pa.”

And man is this kid adorable.His eyes are as blue as Kara’s, and he had the same determined set to his chin, but his hair is jet black and his cheeks full of baby fat.

Alex wants one.

Martha gives them another kind smile before she walks off after her husband.

“They’re not staying?”Alex asks stupidly as she follows Kara over to the stone tables people normally play chess at.

The blonde shakes her head, but Clark is the one who answers.

“They had to run the booth silly.”He hops out of Kara’s arms and settles himself on one side of the bench.Kara smiles and takes the seat next to him as Alex sits across from them.

“Martha and John run a farm about two hours away from the city.Every Sunday the city hosts the Farmer’s Market and the Kents have a pretty successful little stand.I watch Clark while they run their booth.It gives them free babysitting and me a chance to spend time with my favorite person ever.”

Kara tickles Clark again and Alex smiles at the clear affection between the two.Then two sets of blue eyes narrow in on the bag of food in her lap.

Oh boy.

~*~

**DAY** 215

 

“How is Kara?”

Her mother’s voice, unlike her father’s was layered in a false cherry sweetness.Apparently, even though Eliza no longer thought the marriage false, she still didn’t approve of Alex’s ‘elopement’.It was also clear that she didn’t blame _Kara_ for missing her daughter’s alleged wedding.

No, that blame rested solely on Alex.

“She’s good.”Alex said, holding her phone between her shoulder and cheek as she shuffled her work tablet and cup of coffee in her hands.“We went to the park yesterday; it was fun.”

Eliza hums and Alex wonders what she has to be upset about from _that_ statement.There had been nothing untoward in a park adventure.

“I overheard your father and J’onn talking last week.J’onn said you have a big case on your hands.”

“I do.”Alex admits as she shoulders her way into a conference room for some privacy.“Male patient, 12 years old, presented with glioblastoma on the right anterior portion of his occipital lobe.He’s—”

“Did you talk to Dr. Shepard over at Mercy—”

“No mom.”Re: yes; she actually had reached out, but the idea of her mother thinking she needed assistance grated at her.“I have a surgical plan.The patient is young enough that removing the entire—”

“You want to take out half his brain?”

Alex’s eyes shut of their own accord and her next breath was forced and uneven.It shouldn’t have surprised her that her mother had so little faith in her.Eliza had been second guessing Alex’s decisions for years.She’d been triple guessing them since she’d earned her M.D.Never mind that she was top of her class or that she was also the youngest practicing surgeon on the west coast.None of that mattered to Eliza; she would always and forever see Alex as a child.

“People can survive with half of their brain mom.”Alex sinks into a chair and swirls around, fingers pinching the area between her brow with strained patience.“They cannot survive with a glioblastoma; the survival rate is abysmal.It’s small enough that I think I can access all of the affected tissue by removing that portion of the brain which will hopefully eliminate the chances of recurrence.”

“I just don’t see why you decided to take this case on.It’s still so early in your career; a bad outcome can seriously derail you.Think about your projected wealth and the way it will freefall if this goes badly.Who is going to want to bother themselves with a surgeon making minimum wage?That’s where bad outcomes lead and—"

“I don’t care about outcomes mom.”Alex refutes even though it’s a lie.Everyone cares about outcomes; they’re the bread and butter of a surgeon’s career.But Alex also cares about saving lives and this kid has been turned away by every other doctor; his death warrant signed before he even started his fight.“This kid will die if I don’t do something.At least if I try, he has a chance.It may not be enough for you, but it’s enough for his family and _that_ is enough for me.”

There’s a long moment of silence before Eliza releases a beleaguered sigh.“It’s your decision.”She says in a tone that clearly conveys that she does not agree with said decision.“Did you remember to invite Kara to the CatCo Dinner?I’ll be giving my speech this year for the Women in Science.”

Alex grunts and tilts her head back to stare at the ceiling.“I haven’t gotten around to it yet.She’s been really busy with classes.I’ll ask her soon though.”

Eliza hums again and Alex fights a sigh.

“No woman likes to be treated like a last-minute addition Alexandra.If you want to keep your wife…”

She could really use a glass of wine right now.Or whiskey.Whiskey would be good.

 

~*~

**DAY** 216

 

Alex actually does not want to remove half of Carter’s brain.It’s more like a third.It’s taken her almost a month to come up with a viable plan and even J’onn had looked impressed.

And skeptical.

She’s going to need to spend a lot of hours at the hospital.

“I’m sorry,” Carter’s mother says, interrupting Alex’s presentation and gesturing to the screen with the animations.“Are you saying you want to cut off blood flow and put metal in my son’s _brain?”_

“Sort of.” Alex admits glancing at the computer screen before giving up on the rest of the presentation all together.Next to her Vasquez silently takes down the computerized image of a craniotomy. “Listen Ms. Grant, I can appreciate your position.This is your son and he’s been diagnosed with a very rare but very fatal brain tumor.Speaking frankly, he probably has less than a year left before this kills him.That’s scary.”She pauses making sure the woman is _listening_ to her because if she’s going to do this; if she’s going to create new medicine… she needs this woman to be on board.“I need to know if you can handle that level of scary because _saving_ him… making the attempt to save him Ms. Grant, that’s going to be even scarier.”

Ms. Grant, a tiny blonde that looks kind of mousy, glances between Alex and Vasquez like she wants better news.Neither of them have any to give her.

“He likes to read; Carter isn’t very active but he likes… how is supposed to do everything he enjoys with only half of his brain?With metal—”

“Cancer cells hate metal; particularly _this_ metal.”Alex says softly, leaning in when Ms. Grant’s voice breaks off.“Carter is… my plan at the moment is to induce hypothermia to preserve function, put the top portion of his cardiovascular system on a filtered type of bypass and feed in blood with a specialized metal known to kill cancer cells.The issue with glioblastoma’s it’s that they are extremely intrusive.You know how plants release spores that grow everywhere that’s fertile?It’s kind of like that.We need to kill any and all chances of recurrence and we do that, _hopefully,_ with this metal.The problem is that I need to create it.No one has ever successfully cured this surgically, we’re in uncharted territory Ms. Grant and I’m going to need time… that thing’s going to be growing while I plan so I think it’d be best to remove a small portion of his skull right above the tumor and implant healthy stem cells over the opening.I’m hoping this will encourage the tumor to grow up and not _out.”_

Ms. Grant is silent for a long time, staring down at her hands in her lap.Alex allows her the time to think.It’s a big decision.Having a little more time with your kid or possibly, very small possibly, having him for life.

Alex is really hoping she can provide the latter.

She doesn’t feel like she can.

She doesn’t know how she can’t.

“That’s a lot of hoping.”Ms. Grant finally says.

Alex smiles gently and shrugs, “yeah well… my partner says I need a little more of that in my life.”She reaches out and takes the mother’s hand in her own.“I can’t guarantee that this will work; not when it’s never been done before but I _promise_ to do everything in my power for Carter.And I swear if I feel like I’m doing more harm than good than I will stop; that if you tell me to stop, I will stop.My sole priority is to preserve as much of Carter’s life as I am able to.Ok?”

Ms. Grant nods, looking stronger somehow.

In her regular life she must be a force to be reckoned with.

“Ok.”

Alex nods, “Dr. Vasquez, schedule the first surgery as soon as possible.”

~*~

 

**DAY** 229

 

“You need a haircut.”

Alex stumbles over the words in the article she’s reading and glances up at Kara.They’re sitting in the living room; Kara is studying for her upcoming midterms and Alex is going through every article she can find on medically induced hypothermia for preserving brain activity during surgery.

She’d been working on the metal in the hospital lab with her bioengineer and had been sent away while they waited for the new test results.The last batch had killed the red blood cells after a few hours of contact.Considering Alex needed that to be at least eighty days, it felt like she’d never be ready.The engineer insists they’re getting closer.

She’s on a time crunch and is beyond exhausted so, when Kara randomly points out her current hair status, she’s a little caught off guard.

“Huh?”She jams her pen in her mouth, squints at the blonde, and tries to remember what approach she wanted to use to excise the tumor.

“Your hair,” Kara points out, her own pen gesturing towards Alex’s head.“You keep pushing it out of your face.You need to cut it.”

“Oh.Uh later.”Alex hadn’t even noticed her hair had gotten longer but suddenly her annoyance with the stray strands make sense.When was the last time she had gotten a haircut?The surgery she’s planning for won’t take place for another few weeks, the patient in question undergoing intense rounds of radiation to try to shrink the tumor in their brain.Alex still feels like it’s no time at all.

Her mother is after all, just waiting for her to fail.

Kara’s hands in her hair halt her thought processes.Somehow she’d managed to cross the room without Alex noticing.The girl was fast.“I can do it for you.I had a job once in a barber shop; picked up a few things.You won’t even have to leave your pile of sloppiness for long.”

Alex is melting.Kara’s nails scratch lightly at her scalp and she realizes belatedly that she’s purring.And so very tired.Kara must take the purring as a sign of her acquiescence because the next thing she knows, she’s being tugged towards the sink.

She’s pretty sure she falls asleep as Kara washes her hair, the scalp massage was _that_ good.And the soft brush of fabric from Kara’s cream sweater on her cheek is soothing.

“Hey, you still with me?”Kara asks gently as she wrings Alex’s hair out in a t-shirt.Which was… odd… why wasn’t she using a towel?

“Towels cause breakage.Your hair is way too nice for you to use towels in it, Alex.”There’s a note of exasperation in her voice but the kind smile she’s bestowing on Alex keeps the doctor calm.

Oh… She’d spoken aloud.

There’s a rather unexpected heat in her eyes and then she realizes she’s crying.And then she’s suddenly sobbing.

She’s so tired.

Kara flutters around her for a moment before gently grasping her still wet head and pulling Alex against her stomach, arms wrapped tight around her neck and shoulders.Alex clings to her like a dying man and tries to stop the onslaught of emotions.

She knows she keeps apologizing but her words are incoherent, and she feels terrible about the mess she’s making of Kara’s clothes, but she just cannot stop.What the hell is wrong with her?

“It’s ok.”Kara soothes, “I’m here Alex, I’m right here.You’re ok.”There’s a gently pressure on the crown of her head and she realizes belatedly that Kara is kissing her there.It feels weird.“Everything’s going to be fine, ok?”

Alex presses her face further into Kara’s abdomen, taking deep ragged breaths in a vain attempt to bring herself back to earth.Kara combs a hand gently through her hair, continuing to whisper sweet nothings into the air around them.

Her hair is barely damp by the time she pulls away, but Kara’s sweater is probably forever ruined.She makes a mental note to buy her a new one when she sees the mess she’s made.

She makes another note to _ask_ if she can replace the sweater when she remembers the mess she’d already made.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kara asks, looking for all the world like the snot on her shirt is no cause for concern.Alex shakes her head negatively because bringing up the stress she’s under for this surgery—what it would mean to her parents, her mother specifically, if Alex botched it?Definitely not something she wanted to do.Kara cups her face in one hand and brushes the remnants of Alex’s breakdown away with the end of her sleeve.She smiles when she’s done, like she’s happy with what she sees.Like she sees Alex.“There you are.”

Oh.

Oh no.

~*~

**DAY** 230

 

Realizing she’s in love with Kara is a quiet thing.Personal in the same way Alex had secretly written songs and hidden them from the world in her teen years.It wasn’t that she wasn’t proud or didn’t want anyone to see them but… they were hers.Something she didn’t have to share or talk about.

Besides she hadn’t exactly planned on falling for the blonde and honestly… it complicates things.A lot.

Kara had admitted to having feelings for her their first night together; had turned Alex’s head and kissed her so sweetly Alex was surprised she hadn’t fallen right then and there.What Kara hadn’t done, then or now, was say that she wanted to stay in the relationship after their time was up.She’d actually told Alex to forget their deal; to treat her like a roommate.

So, no.Alex was not going to dwell on how Kara was feeling and how that complicated their lives.Instead…

Instead she wanted to just sit with her newfound emotions.

They were… interesting.

She found herself laughing more, but not giddily.This wasn’t nervous excitement and sweaty palms, this was… 

This was her heart filling at the smallest hug or caress her wife offered her.This was trying to find ways to make Kara laugh or smile or just be happy.

This was Alex sitting at her table and trying to figure out how no one else was _in love_ with the woman.And, when Kara throws a smile over her shoulder after putting the finishing touches on their game night, wondering if she has any idea how truly magnificent she is.

Alex doesn’t think she does.

“You’re sure it’s ok that I invite people?”

Alex nods, chin resting on her closed fist as she just takes Kara in.Being in love wasn’t so bad.It was actually kind of nice.

Unexpected, but nice.

“I told you already: this is your home.I want you to be as comfortable here as I am _roomie_.”

Kara sticks her tongue out at that and Alex smiles.

Not at the tongue but at how oblivious the woman is.

“Are we going to split up into teams?You and your friends vs. me and mine?”

“That sounds fun.”Alex agrees, still smiling; still wondering.

Could someone’s presence really cause this much joy and stress reduction?Was that normal?

Kara spins to completely face Alex and walks over to where the brunette is sitting in the kitchen.“Ok, why are you looking at me like that?”

Alex barely moves except to follow Kara with her eyes, lazy smile still in place.“What are you talking about?How am I looking at you?”

“I don’t know.”Kara sputters, obviously having not thought her questioning completely through.“I… you just look... happy?”

“I am.”Alex confirms as if it’s no big deal.It is a big deal.She has a surgery in a few weeks that she feels largely unprepared for and a mother who she’s pretty sure will never be proud of her.Being happy at this moment?It’s odd.And almost solely because of Kara.“Should I not be happy?”She teases instead of saying any of that.

There’s a softness that settles over Kara’s face when she asks that, and the blonde shakes her head.

“I always want you happy.”Kara’s body twitches in a way that means she stopped herself from moving before she visibly steels herself.“So, do you want to trade insider secrets?Make this a ‘the house always wins’ situation?”

Kara waggles her eyebrows for dramatic effect and Alex laughs.

She likes being in love very much.

~*~

 

**DAY** 256

 

Alex is in the middle of a surgery when she gets an incessant number of calls.It’s not a major surgery, the procedure requiring little skill, but she _does_ work for a teaching hospital and so has to teach.

At that moment, she was teaching the new batch of residents how to drain a cranial abscess using an endoscope.It required an approach through the nose and the ability to steer the equipment with a camera, the first years thought it was amazing.

She’d much rather be in her lab checking the progress of her blood cells which are up to a sixty-day survival rate with the metal.If Alex can make the metal less toxic, double that life expectancy…

Unfortunately, J’onn had brought it upon himself to remind her that they were still a teaching hospital and she had to teach _and_ that obsessing over one case was not healthy.

Alex only agreed with him after accidentally calling him annoying.She knew only major levels of stress deactivated her brain to mouth filter and so had apologized profusely before excusing herself to this simple surgery.

Her phone suddenly being brought into the OR as she’s finishing is a clear distraction to the teaching process.

“Dr. Danvers,” the nurse starts, mask over her face to keep a sterile field and Alex’s phone in her hand.“I’m sorry to interrupt but there’s someone on the line for you.He’s been calling for the past hour; Winn Schott?”Alex grunts, the name barely registering as she begins to pull the scope out of the patients nose.“He says it’s about your wife.Some sort of emergency, he wouldn’t tell me.”

Alex exhales slowly as the rest of the scope comes into view.Watching intently as the scrub nurse dabs at the residue that follows the scope out.No blood or brain matter follow and she’s grateful because if there had been something else… 

Right now all Alex can hear is that there’s been an emergency with Kara.

The final steps of the surgery are done in a blur and she’s barely aware of what she tells her students.All she knows is that she has somehow made it to an empty office with her phone and that it’s ringing.

Winn.

Winn is Kara’s friend.Alex had met him during game night.If anyone would know if something was wrong with Kara, it was Winn.

“Hello?”He answers in the standard everyday everything is fine way.As if he hadn’t just sent Alex’s blood pressure sky rocketing.“Alex?”

“What happened?”The words are strained, and she can barely hear them over the roaring in her ears.She needs Winn to talk and talk fast.

“Kara has a show tonight.I know she probably didn’t tell you because she hates making a big deal of her stuff, but I think you should come.It would probably mean—”

“What?”

Winn pauses, stumbling over his words at the abrupt interruption.“Huh?I um… I said that Kara has a show and—”

“No,” Alex shakes her head, realizes he can’t actually see her.“I heard that.I just… you told the nurse this was an emergency.Is… Where is Kara?”

“Class?”It’s a drawn-out question, Winn’s voice going high in his confusion before the brick of understanding manages to hit him in the head.“OH! _Oh!_ You thought—No!No, no, no.Kara’s fine.I said emergency as in super important because it’s in like 2 hours and I wanted to give you time to get here.Not like emergency she’s dying.Different type of emergency!”

“Winn.”Alex says calmly, feeling her heart rate slow and her annoyance spike.“I was in the middle of a surgery.Do not do that again.”

There’s a squeak and some fumbling and Alex imagines Winn nodding vigorously in agreement.“Yes ma’am!Understood.That was dumb.I am an idiot.It won’t happen again.”

“Good.Because if it does, I know at least six different ways to cause you pain with just one finger.”

 

~*~

 

Kara’s show turns out to be the end of year student art exhibition.Like the science fair of old but for art students.Kara’s been taking extra courses to try to graduate earlier and so this show probably marks the end of her summer semester.Leaving her with one more semester to go.

Then graduation and the world as her oyster…

Predictably the show is being hosted in what appears to be the student center.There’s school pride and brochures and pamphlets everywhere.There’s an actual table set up for donations to the school.Once you get passed that rigamarrow, the floor opened up into pure art work.Paintings, sculptures, pottery, photographs… It was all there.

There’s a lot to see and take in and Alex, grateful that she’s dragged Lucy along with her, doesn’t waste any time in beginning her exploration.

They tour the entire exhibit but, when Alex finally lands her eyes on one of Kara’s paintings, she stops and can’t seem to move after.

Lucy nudges her.“I thought you said she wasn’t interested?”

Alex looks up at the painting that majorly consists of the lower half of a woman’s face, caught at an angle and arching up into the beginnings of the top half.It’s cut diagonally, like someone had sliced a third of the face away and left only the lower portion, and some of the side visible.There’s a strongly pronounced jaw and laughing lips... a crinkled nose…It’s done in what appears to be, from Alex’s limited exposure to actual art, a contemporary style.Realistic but covered in shadows, shades of grey… except for the tip of the right eye that can just barely be seen from the top corner of the painting.

Where everything else about the painting’s colors could be described as bland or eerie… the three inch or so of visible eye color is… vibrant is the only word Alex can really think of.

There are so many shades of brown, gold, and green.Alex finds a new color every time she moves her focus even a centimeter.And the way the lid is so happily relaxed, as if the slither of color is more tease than reality…

It’s beautiful.

“Alex,” Lucy says patiently from her side, as enraptured as Alex is by the art.“I really think you should talk to your wife.”

Alex swallows.

She loses Lucy after that; her short friend somehow finding a photographer ex-boyfriend of hers and being talked into looking at his exhibit.

Alex doesn’t mind.

It gives her time to watch Kara.

The top floor of the show is completely packed, with most people viewing something on the upper floor.The first floor, Kara’s floor, is obviously reserved for the newbies.A few guests stop and look at the work, but for the most part, the crowd makes a sharp turn at the entrance and take the stairs.

Alex tries to ignore the way Kara’s face deflates every time someone walks passed her showing.

It’s actually a bit of a shock that the other woman hasn’t caught her yet.Alex isn’t exactly hiding, the walls of the exhibit turn and slant like any school building, but the bottom floor is still not particularly crowded.

There’s an elderly man who looks to be the organizer standing to Alex’s left and she glances between him and Kara.

Ten minutes later she plants herself in front of a new painting; this one a black and white doo-dad featuring a brick wall and the light pink colored words “Fall Upside Down” in graffiti.

Interesting indeed.

Hurried footsteps come after only a few moments.

“Alex—”

“I like this one.”

Silence.

Rustling clothes.Nice clothes too, Kara was in a bright yellow dress.A clear contrast to her uncolored art.

“Thank you.”A pause.“What are you—I mean how did you know about…”

“My wife’s art show?”Alex asks with a quirked eyebrow.She glances at Kara from the very corner of her eye and takes pity on her when it only serves to make her fidget more.“Winn called me.I like Winn.”

Kara squints at her and she must see something good because she’s relaxing in the next second.“No you don’t.You think his voice is squeaky.”

“No, I _know_ his voice is squeaky.”

“Alex.”

“Are we allowed to take pictures?”Alex asks instead of responding to the soft admonishment.“I took pictures before, but that elderly gentleman seemed pretty cross.”

Kara looks to where Alex points with her chin and fights a smile.

“That’s Dr. Carr.He’s the curator for tonight and he probably thought you were a freeloader.”Ah, so Alex _had_ been right.“Some people come to these shows, take really good photos of our work and then print the photos.The whole idea of this is to get students to get a feel for _selling_ their art but hardly anyone knows this stuff is up for grabs.”

Alex hums nonchalantly, eyes dragging over another one of Kara’s canvas’.“I knew.”

“You knew?”Kara follows her as she moves to the next painting.Alex thinks Maggie would enjoy this one.It’s a white gun on a black background spewing red smoke.“You knew what?”

“That you sold these.I just bought a few.”

Alex turns to face Kara then, wanting—needing, to face her for this.Kara hates when she spends money.It’s a recurring theme amongst Alex’s friends apparently.

“You bought—” Kara’s face tightens, and she visibly takes a moment to center herself before pasting on a smile.“Whose work did you like?”

Alex shrugs and hands over a receipt.

Kara frowns at her but takes the printed paper from her.The blonde takes a moment to scan the contents, fingers tightening the further down she goes.

“There’s 7 paintings on here.”Kara finally says, voice tight.

“Yep.”Alex rocks on her heels.“I thought the one by that Siobhan lady would look good for a Mother’s Day present—Eliza is super into art—and the print of the father and showing his kid the stars?My dad would eat that up.And that one—”

Kara rips the paper away when Alex moves to point at one the items on her receipt, a scowl firm on her face.“You—I—Alex, there are _four_ of my paintings on this list.”

Alex frowns like she is caught off guard; like she hadn’t expected this.

She had.

“Yes.”

“I don’t need your handouts.I don’t need your _pity._ I can sell my own—”

“Why does it bother you that I bought them?”Alex questions calmly, ignoring the way Kara is getting worked up.She thinks maybe she’s finally coming to understand her.It’s not about the money.Not really.

“I just told you.”Kara squeezes between clenched teeth.“I don’t need your handouts.Besides, no art student sells that many paintings.Not on their first try.”

“But I liked them.”

Kara squints obviously confused.“What?”

“You’re paintings.I liked them.I text a picture to my chief and he liked them too.We bought them for the Peds ward.”

Kara deflates.“What?”

It’s Alex’s turn to squint, hands folding behind her back as she takes a step close to her flabbergasted companion.“I don’t pity you Kara.You… you had something extremely difficult happen to you and you didn’t give up.You’re still here.You…”She feels her cheeks flame but she’s not as nervous anymore.There’s something almost freeing about knowing her feelings will never be reciprocated.There’s very little room for Kara to hurt her here.“Kara you are a miracle.There is no room for pity because you’re a legit walking miracle.”Alex smiles when her words only serve to make Kara more nervous, the blonde’s mouth snapping shut and her eyes darting around as if looking for an exit.“There’s room for a lot of other things though.You’re pretty annoying when it comes to money.I mean I get it but… you’re kind of a nag.”

Kara’s jaw drops.

“Well… you’re a… jerk… girl.”

“Real zinger there Kara.”Alex teases; feels good because she can tease.“For the record, just because someone supports you doesn’t mean they pity you.Sometimes it just means that they believe in you.”She gestures towards the art on the walls.“These are amazing; whether we were married or not, a blind person can see how talented you are Kara.It’s not pity; it’s appreciation.

Kara looks completely taken off guard… she looks scared.Alex wonders why… thinks she knows… knows enough to know that _this_ is not the place to discuss it.

“I just…” Kara hesitates, hands wringing in front of her uneasily.

“Dude!”Winn comes out of nowhere, tackling Kara around the waist in a hug and heaving her into the air.“I just saw!Four paintings to NCH Pediatrics?That’s huge.”

Kara looks lost and her eyes snap to Alex who feels nothing but pride.There’s a smile curling over the brunette’s lips and she can’t help teasing just a little more.

“And on her very first try.”

The blush she receives is well worth it as is the small look of awe Kara sends her.

“Right?!”Winn seems to be excited enough for the both of them and Alex finds herself glad that Kara has such amazing friends.“Siobhan is pissed so I kind of have to go buy her chocolates or something but congratulations!”

Siobhan, if Alex remembers correctly, is Winn’s girlfriend and Kara _hates_ them together.

Winn punches Kara’s shoulder, gives Alex a wide berth—she may have accidentally threatened him during their game night—and is gone as quickly as he arrived.It’s a little surreal.

“So…” Alex starts, swaying from side to side and pulling Kara away from the ledge she’s balanced on.She gestures to a new painting.“Tell me about this one.”

She may not have _talked_ to Kara the way Lucy wants but… she thinks she’s finally beginning to understand this whole ‘foundation’ thing.

 

~*~

 

**DAY** 262

If you asked any of her schoolmates or colleagues, you’d probably be surprised to know that Alex had amazing bedside manner.She realized, of course, that she was worse than a cantankerous old man when it came to her normal life but there was something about patients.

Something about being able to make the hard days maybe even a little better, that had always sat well with her.It was what had drawn her to Kara.

Which, she supposes is how she comes to be sitting playing poker with the blonde bombshell mother of her patient.To be fair, Ms. Grant had green eyes not blue, and she was significantly older than Kara was.

Didn’t mean she wasn’t attractive.

“Raise.”Alex mumbles, staring at the sequence of spades in her hand and pushing another few bars of chocolate onto their candy pile.

She’d found the older woman in the waiting area for long term patients.The Peds ward was often chock full of parents on the weekends... not so much on the weekdays.Alex liked to visit after her normal rounds and make sure her peds patients were still in good spirits.

She’d been on her way to see Carter Grant when she’d seen his mother instead.It had taken a moment for the name to come back to her and then when she’d remembered, Ms. Grant had already noticed her.The red rimmed eyes had been enough of a clue that she’d been crying and Alex, hands stuffed in her pockets as usual, hadn’t had much else other than a deck of cards and a chocolate bar to offer her.

Pawning all of her work off on her interns and residents, she’d instead chosen to take Ms. Grant on in a game of poker.A decision she was sorely regretting.

Ms. Grant hums and repositions some of her cards.“For a doctor, you sure do promote unhealthy eating habits.”

“It’s dark chocolate.”

Amused eyes flash, “call.”

Alex grunts, eyes unblinking as she folds out a straight hand in diamonds.“I went to Stanford.Dark chocolate is healthy.”

The hand Ms. Grant holds out contains a royal flush, easily beating Alex’s play.“I went to Columbia and we say sugar is sugar.”

Her words, haughty as they are, don’t stop Ms. Grant from sweeping the armful of their candy pile over to her side of the table.

“I know how to count cards you know.”Alex says with a scowl.“I could totally beat you.”

“You don’t strike me as the type of person to take shortcuts.Your kind likes to _earn_ everything; even when something is being handed to you.”

“Is that some weird philosophical thing I’m supposed to understand.”

Ms. Grant smiles, small and sad.“I have been reading a lot of eastern literature but no.That was just simple observation.In my line of work it’s expected.I can notice the smallest details, like how that ring you’re wearing is still fairly new; how you glance at your phone every few minutes, and how every time you get a message from your husband, you smile.”

Well that was just rude.And nosy.

“Wife.”Alex corrects, reshuffling the cards and setting up their next hand.“And that was a lot of nose sticking for a patient.”

“ _I_ am not your patient.Although I am surprised at the wife piece, you seem much too uptight for a woman with a wife.Don’t tell me she’s not treating you well.”

Alex quirks an eyebrow and dubiously deals the cards.“Don’t tell me you think lesbians don’t face the same issues that straight people do?That would drop your IQ a few points.”

“Not that they don’t have the same issues, I’m just of the belief that they have them less frequently.Women are much faster learners than men.It’s medically proven.”

“She’s treating me fine.”Alex says, fighting a smile and without a trace of the usual hesitation that had come whenever Kara was mentioned before.The past few weeks had been… good.“She’s been crazy busy with school though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.She’s been sketching like crazy.I snuck her some new art supplies and she didn’t even notice.That means she’s super busy.”

Let it never be said that Alex Danvers does not have a good poker face.Her poker face should be the stuff of legends.Her current hand… she’s totally going to kick Ms. Grant’s ass this time.

A few minutes later and she’s grumbling about cheating.

She in fact did _not_ beat Ms. Grant’s ass that time.

“So your wife is an artist?”Ms. Grant asks amidst Alex’s admittedly poor losing mutters.

“Yeah.”She doesn’t sound sore. _She doesn’t._

“Would you happen to have any pictures?I’m a bit of an art aficionado myself.”

Alex lights up like Christmas.

“Then you should totally see her work.She’s so good.”She takes out her phone and swipes over to some of the photos she’s taken of Kara’s work.“She puts so much detail in the smallest things.I could look at it for hours.”

She _had_ looked at it for hours.

She’s also very aware that she’s gushing but she doesn’t care.Ms. Grant had ruined her day with her cheating and so Alex was going to pay her back with gushing.

Besides, Kara’s art deserved to be gushed about.

She swipes through the photos, taking her time with each one and allowing her smile to grow bigger the longer Ms. Grant indulges her.“This one’s my favorite.”

 

 

~*~

 

**DAY** 263

 

|Alex Danvers:I have a question _Sent 12:03 a.m._

|Roomie: It’s midnight.You know that right? _Received 12:10 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: I have this stupid dinner thing that we were invited to. _Sent 12:10 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: No big deal _Sent 12:11 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: Would you like to come with me? _Sent 12:11 a.m._

|Roomie: To your ‘stupid’ dinner? _Received 12:13 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: Yes. _Sent 12:14 a.m._

|Roomie: When is it? _Received 12:16 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: …Next Friday? _Sent 12:18 a.m._

|Roomie: You really are a jerk you know that?It’s Wednesday. (>_<) _Received_ _12:20 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: Is that a maybe? _Sent 12:23 a.m._

|Roomie: Alex, I would love to go to your stupid dinner. _Received 12:23 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: Good 😊 _Sent 12:23 a.m._

|Alex Danvers:because I also kind of already bought your dress. _Sent 12:24 a.m._

|Roomie: … _Received 12:27 a.m._

|Roomie: Is self-surgery a thing? _Received 12:27 a.m._

|Alex Danvers: My best friend is a detective.She’ll have you arrested! _Sent 12:30 a.m._

 

 

~*~

**DAY** 264

Alex is sick…

Alex hates being sick.

It’s messy and exhausting and annoying and gross and dirty and she _hates_ it.J’onn bans her from coming in to work or from having her minions bring her work to her apartment.The whole hospital looks on with a humor filled pity as she is summarily escorted off premises.

She sends a longing look towards her bike before ducking down into the Uber J’onn had ordered she take.His words of ‘you’re too sick to drive’ ringing in her skull and making her want to puke.

No.

Wait.

That was her flu.

She sinks lower in her seat and groans.Wasn’t the flu shot supposed to stop this from happening?This was such bullshit!

She hated science.

She hated germs.

She hated viruses and people who spread viruses and—

Kara smiles at her when she stomps her way through the front door.Kara smiles and Alex scowls.

“What are you even doing here?”She angrily swipes her arm under her dripping nose and shucks her coat and boots.

“Vasquez called.”Kara says, taking Alex’s coat when she would have thrown it on the ground.“I picked up your prescription and some symptom remedies while you were getting lectured by your boss and I just started on a pot of soup on the stove.”

Alex grimaces, shoulders aching from her movements and she swipes up the white bag on the counter.“Do you even know how to make soup?”

“No.I’ve never tried.”Kara says thoughtfully, finger tapping her chin.She smiles brilliantly and turns back to Alex.“Luckily I have a willing test subject.”

“You’re trying to murder me.”Alex accuses as she stumbles to the bedroom.

Kara tsks and grabs her arm, leading her to the bathroom.“Shower first.The steam will help loosen up the mucous.”

Alex pulls away from her, glaring even when she knocks into the vanity.“What did you Google all that?I know how to be sick Kara!”

“Ok.”Kara says benevolently—re: amused— and leaves Alex to her own devices.

Placing her palms on the edge of the sink, Alex forces herself to focus before opening the prescriptions Kara had picked up for her.She grumbles as she swallows the pills, cranking the water in the shower to just under scalding and letting herself drop onto the toilet.

She doesn’t remember dropping to the floor.

When Kara comes back to move her to the bed, Alex grumbles some more.Kara laughs at her and forces her to drink something that tastes like chicken.It’s good and soothing and Alex practically melts.

The spoonful of honey she is force fed makes her want to punch the girl.

~*~

 

“I’m offering you cash.It’s not traceable if you spend it wisely.You can make your own life; get your own place.”

Alex’s head is pounding, and her throat and chest are on fire.The sheets under her feel cold and damp and she very badly wants a shower.And to sleep.But also to shower.

The voices coming from her living room are making the sleep option very difficult so…

Shower it is.

She doesn’t stand so much as she rolls out of bed, the hard wood beneath her feet creating a soft thump.Not that the people arguing notice.

It takes her until she gets to the bathroom door before she realizes that there are people in her apartment.

People arguing.

She squints, hand on her doorframe before the voices filter into her pounding skull and she is able to decipher their owner’s.

Kara.

And Jeremiah.

What?

Brows furrowing further, Alex listens as Kara’s voice, calm and friendly as usual tries to placate her father who is offering her… money?

“Listen, Dr. Danvers I respect your position, but I can assure you that there is nothing evil happening here.Alex and I may not have the same foundation as you and your wife—”

“Leave my wife out of this.I’m not sure what you told my daughter—”

“I didn’t _tell_ her anything—”

“Or what she offered you—”

“She didn’t _offer_ me anything—”

“But my family’s reputation is on the line now and I will do whatever I need to, to protect that.God, can you imagine the fallout if this were to get out?If _Eliza_ were to find out?”There’s a pitch to her father’s voice that makes Alex nervous.A slight edge of panic.“She’s under enough stress as it is!Do you know what it would do to her if she found out your… _status_?And if she even thinks you’re trying to con Alex…”

There’s a moment of silence wherein Alex tries to piece together the conversation she had just overheard before Kara speaks again.This time there isn’t a hint of the friendly demeanor she portrays to the world.This time…

“That’s what this is about?Your _wife_?”

Jeremiah sighs and Alex recognizes the sound from her youth.Her dad always sighs like that before making excuses… allowances.

“I don’t expect you to understand this Kara.There’s no way you would be able to understand what Eliza has gone through.What she’s sacrificed.This would destroy her.”

“Which part?”Kara questions, her voice icier than Alex ever remembers it being.“The part where her daughter got married to a _homeless_ woman or the part where her daughter is _attracted to women_?I’m afraid you’ll need to be a little clearer.”

Another beat of silence before Alex hears some shuffling and her father rearing up for his next attack.

“Look, I can see how this seems to you but we’re not classists or… or homophobes!It’s just—”

“It’s just that it’s good enough for everyone else _but_ your daughter.It’s just that you wouldn’t mind me being with anyone else and you would prefer that Alex choose a man, right?”

“Kara—”

“Sir!I need to be very clear about something because I feel like I have held my tongue for a long time.I haven’t said anything because it’s not my place but now Alex is sick, and she literally cannot defend herself.”There’s a sound like a snort and Alex white knuckles the doorframe.“Not that she would anyway.Not against you two—”

“You listen—”

“No, _you_ listen.I have watched that girl break herself into pieces to please you and it’s never enough.Your _wife_ never lets it be enough.And you’re no better.”

“I love my daughter.”

“You love Eliza more!”

“She’s my _wife.”_

“And Alex is your _daughter._ ”Another long pause and Alex wants to run out and tell Kara to shut up.To mind her own damn business.She can barely stand though so she chooses not to go that route.“I understand that you love your wife, but you are letting her _destroy_ Alex.She literally worked herself sick this week because she’s triple guessed herself and her surgical approach a million times—Did you know she pays for everything?”What?Where had that come from?“And, yeah that might be great etiquette where you’re from but it’s unnecessary.It’s like she thinks if she doesn’t pay, she’s not worth anything; as if her money is the only thing she has to offer this world.Not her skill, or her brain, or her humor, or her sass, or her _brilliance_ … Do you have any idea how complicated the surgery she’s working on is?”

“I do.”Alex’s dad sounds choked; upset.

“Do you know how many _hours_ she has reworked and researched and _slaved_ to try to make the two of you proud of her?”

“Alex is tougher than you realize.”Jeremiah argues.“You may think we’re tough on her but that’s just because we know that she can be so much more.That she can accomplish so much more.”

Kara practically growls and Alex imagines the snarl that must be on her face, Kara’s anger finally directed at someone other than Alex.“She is your _child_.She is not a relic in a museum for you to parade around; she’s not someone whose flaws you have to fix.”

Jeremiah sighs again and Alex pushes herself up, stalks to the cracked door and freezes.Kara is staring her father down and he looks… ashamed.Like _he’s_ the one in the wrong.

“You can take the money.You can start a new life.”

Kara scoffs and tosses her head, arms crossed tightly in front of her as if she’s physically restraining herself.“You don’t deserve her.You may not be as cruel as Eliza is but your just as damaging.”She shakes her head sadly, grip loosening just slightly.“It’s a shame too because your daughter is… she’s a miracle.And you’re going to lose her.I… refuse to.”Kara drops her arms and stalks towards their front door, holding it open for Jeremiah without so much as looking at him.“You can keep your money sir.I won’t abandon her.”

Jeremiah shuffles his feet, pockets the manila envelope in his hand and moves to leave.He pauses in the doorway and waits for Kara to look at him.

“I love my daughter.”

“It’s not enough.”Kara says.

Then he’s gone and Alex is wondering if she’d dreamed the whole thing.

When Kara walks over to her, pulls her immobile form away from the door and to the bathroom, she stops wondering.

“How much of that did you hear?”Kara asks softly as she pulls Alex’s t-shirt over her head.She’s undressing her, Alex realizes.A second later she also realizes she’d been in her work clothes before going to bed so maybe this wouldn’t be the first time Kara has seen her nude.

Unfair.

“Enough.”

Kara hums and pushes her onto the closed toilet seat before stooping to take off her socks.“I’m sorry.I know that wasn’t my place.”

“Nope.”

“I just…”Kara pauses, reaches up for the waistband of Alex’s sweats.“I just hate seeing you like this.I hate that they make you feel so small.”

“No they don’t.”Kara levels her with a firm stare and Alex looks away, forcing herself to her feet as she stumbles towards the shower.“You don’t have to defend me.I can fight my own battles just like a big girl should.”

She tries to make her voice light, to turn the serious atmosphere into a teasing one.It comes out croaky and rough and she immediately regrets the attempt.Kara doesn’t let her escape.

The blonde reaches for her face and turns Alex back to her.Alex can see the way her eyes have darkened, the blue more stormy than joyful now, her words making Alex feel like she’s about to fall off a cliff.

“You deserve to be fought for Alex.You _deserve_ to be defended.”Kara releases her, reaches past her to turn on the shower just like Alex likes.“I’ll set some clothes out for you and then I need you to try to eat something ok?”

Alex nods, eyes fixed on the white porcelain of her shower floor.She blames the blurriness on the water and is grateful when Kara leaves.It’s easier to pretend she’s not crying.

 

~*~

**DAY **270 ****

** **

The days that she, Maggie, and Lucy had graduated from their respective programs were forever preserved in the snapshot photos hanging in Alex’s locker.There were three of them in total since Maggie’s bachelor’s degree hadn’t taken as long as Lucy’s law degree which hadn’t taken as long as Alex’s MD/PhD.The gaps were why, despite their closeness in age, Alex was referred to as the baby of the group.Her years of schooling hadn’t really allowed her to build much in the way of relationship skills.

Never mind her tumultuous relationship with her mother.

Everything Alex had been through up ‘til now, she had had one or both of her friends by her side.And, even though she knew they were cheering her on, she still couldn’t help but feel like she was alone.

Her dad hadn’t shown up.

Alex hadn’t expected Eliza to spare a few hours for her daughter’s surgery but her dad…

It’d be easy to blame Kara for it, to say that the artist had scared Jeremiah off with her words but… right or wrong, it shouldn’t have been enough to stop Jeremiah from showing up for her.There had been plenty of times over the years where she’d been pissed at Lucy or Maggie or both.The second one of them needed her or had a ‘thing’, she showed up.

It’s what you did for the people you loved.

Whether he’d thought Kara was right or wrong… he should have showed up.

And Kara had been _right._

She hadn’t even been rude; not really.Angry, sure.But not disrespectful.Except maybe the kicking out part…

But no, Alex muses absently, eyes tracing Lucy’s smiling face in her graduation photo.She’d wanted Kara to feel safe in their space, to feel like it was their own.That her father had shown up out of nowhere and decided that he could pay Kara to leave—to essentially walk out on Alex all because he’d thought Kara was _less_ than…

That was grounds for kicking out.

If she’d been in her right mind… If she’d been _brave_ enough, it wouldn’t have even been a question of what to do.Her father had crossed a line and Kara had reacted accordingly.There was nothing wrong with her actions.

That she had to defend herself from _Alex’s_ family… it was less than comforting.

She drums her fingers on the wooden bench beneath her, the rest of the locker room having cleared out to give her space to mentally prepare.All elective surgeries had been put on hold; the galley would be full.

Packed to the brim with people lined up to see if Alex’s Hail Mary would make or break her career.No pressure.

Her hands won’t stop shaking.

Her eyes drop to Maggie’s graduation photo, hands curling around the bench lip (please stop shaking), and she feels her throat start to close.This really blows.

A soft knock at the door barely pulls her attention.

“Hey Dr. D, you have a guest.”Vasquez at least knows to talk softly.Knows that any sudden changes are apt to send Alex into a psychotic break that will probably send her falling into the pits of inadequacy.

Her consideration does little to assuage Alex’s annoyance at being interrupted.She’d just needed a few more moments of being Dr. Alex Danvers: prodigy, rather than Dr. Alex Danvers: woman who bit off more than she could chew.

Still, Alex was brought up not to be rude and so she forces herself to acknowledge Vasquez and her ‘visitor’.

She’s really glad she did.

Vasquez pulls the door shut behind her and Kara smiles nervously, playing with the belt on the front of her pretty blue dress.

She waves her phone slightly and bites her lip.“I hope you don’t mind… Maggie and Lucy couldn’t get up here so I thought I’d bring them to you.”The smile turns mischievous, “being your wife does have its perks.”

“Oh snap, look at Miss Steamy over there in her scrubs.”Maggie hoots, causing Lucy too to send out a few catcalls of her own.Their tiny faces on Kara’s phone screen were enough to ease most of her tension.Or that could just be Kara.

“Miss Steamy isn’t a thing Mags.I told you to stop watching that show; it’s not real.”

“Neither is Star Wars.”

Lucy’s gasp is just as sharp as Alex’s and Kara laughs at them both.

Which is not cool.She’s clearly enabling the blasphemy that Maggie is spewing.

They joke some more and Alex slowly starts to relax.She’s foolish enough to believe she’s ok but, when they end the call, all of her anxieties come rushing back.

Kara pockets her phone and takes Alex’s hands, squeezing gently.“It’s going to be ok.”

“You don’t know that.”Alex shakes her head, tracing the lines on Kara’s knuckles with her eyes.“A million things can go wrong.”

“A million things probably _will_ go wrong.”

Alex’s head shoots up.Kara is biting her lip like she’s fighting a laugh but there’s a softness to her face that Alex has only seen on a handful of occasions.She has no idea what it means but she really likes it when Kara looks at her like that.Still, she’s annoyed at that lack of faith.

“That’s not very comforting.”

“It’s true though.”Kara says with a shrug.The next thing Alex knows, she’s being enveloped in warm, strong arms.“Do you know how I know that, even with things going wrong, everything will _still_ be ok?”

“How?”Alex hates how her voice gets soft, how she digs panicked fingers into Kara’s shoulders.It makes her feel weak.

Somehow in a weird dichotomy of emotions, Kara’s embrace makes her feel strong.

“Because I’ve watched you Alex.I’ve seen you plan for _everything._ Everything that can go wrong you’ve already planned for it.You’re ready.”

Alex exhales slowly, digging her nose into Kara’s neck and trying to focus on breathing.Kara continues to hold her, her hands trailing lazily up and down Alex’s back.It’s soothing in a way Alex had forgotten touch could be.Still...

“...what if he dies?”

“Then I know you would have done absolutely everything in your power to save him.I know he would have had the best care possible; the best fight you were able to give.That’s enough for me Alex... you have to decide if it’s enough for you.”

She wants to say so many things, the words are on the tip of her tongue but then Kara is pressing soft lips to her cheek in a prolonged kiss and Alex forgets how to speak.

“No matter what happens today.”Kara says softly, breath ghosting over Alex’s cheek.“You’re already a hero Alex Danvers.”

 

~*~

She notices her hands have stopped shaking when she starts to scrub in.

~*~

 

She informs Ms. Grant of the success.The no longer impossible feat.The woman cries and Alex holds her until they get word that Carter is in his room.Then Alex breaks a few rules and takes Ms. Grant up to see him straight away.

“Tell me something?”

“Like what?”Alex asks, staring blankly at the sleeping child in the bed.There’s a water bottle in her hand that someone had given her but she hasn’t quite moved past tearing at the label yet.

“Anything.Something that makes you angry.”

Alex thinks.“Did you know that more than fifty thousand college students are homeless in California alone?And like two hundred thousand children total?Kids Carter’s age?That pisses me off.”

Ms. Grant hums; kisses Carter’s hand in hers.“So what are you going to do about it?”

“Excuse me?”Alex asks, blinking stupidly at the woman.

“There’s a clear crisis; you see the crisis; what are you going to do to help?”

“…I… don’t know?”

Ms. Grant hums again.“Let’s think on it together.”

She waits with the older woman, brainstorming ridiculous ideas on how to help.It keeps her mind busy, helps pass the time while they both pretend they aren’t staring anxiously at the boy in the bed and willing him to wake.

Alex knows these things take time.That sometimes it is _days—_ weeks before a patient wakes up.Months…

Carter takes 5 hours.

On top of the 10-hour surgery.

He also appears to be very blind.Neither Cat or Carter seem to mind so much at the moment and Alex can run tests…

The kid’s alive.

Sight or no, she’ll take the wins where she can.

It is understandable that Alex is exhausted by the time she makes it back to her locker to change.

She walks in to lots of cheers, J’onn standing proudly with wet eyes in the back of the room, and Vasquez grabbing her around the shoulders and giving her a good shake.

Her eyes find Kara, they always do when the artist is in the room, and she smiles at her dopily.She’s still here.More than fifteen hours later and she’s still here.

Kara smiles right back.

“Dr. D!You literally just rewrote history!This is a game changer!You’re a pioneer!”Vasquez, who had scrubbed in with Alex, is obviously high on caffeine.Alex forgives her the excited squeakiness of her voice.

If only because Kara is still smiling at her.

She’s so beautiful.

Alex wriggles out of Vasquez’s hold and squeezes her way to Kara who opens her arms and allows Alex to sink into her embrace.

Behind her she hears people popping what sounds like a champagne bottle but is almost assuredly something non-alcoholic.J’onn is strict about that sort of thing.Someone asks her if she wants cake and she declines, much preferring to have Kara stroking through her hair.

Vasquez chatters on about how amazing she is; how she did what experienced surgeons had been trying to accomplish for generations.

“And on her very first try.”Kara whispers teasingly.

Alex’s smile widens and she tightens her grip.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line "On your very first try" is from Grey's Anatomy. Lexie says it about George only I think the exact wording was "on his very first day." I borrowed it and switched it around. :)
> 
> Kara's art is kind of ... let's say inspired by the artist Banksy except she's known and paints on canvas. I just really like his work and his intentions.
> 
> Jeremiah wasn't being a dick. Like I know I've said that before but he's just a little stressed right now... Just give him the benefit of the doubt maybe...
> 
> The surgery was already explained in terms of method but the blindness and inoperability was also Grey's Anatomy. Herman and Amelia.
> 
> And I think that's it. I'm planning last chapter for Sunday but we'll see how it goes.
> 
> TTFN.
> 
> ~Chronicles


	3. It's a Better Place Since You Came Along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I didn't forget that this was supposed to be updated I just legit lost the last file I worked on. I have no idea what I did with it. I think its on a flashdrive, as that is the only place I haven't checked but thing is... I lost the flashdrive as well.
> 
> Basically I had to rewrite a few things and edit it all again. I also noticed the last chapter wasn't the latest version either but ce la vie. There weren't like major changes, but some of the detail and emotion weren't there.
> 
> This chapter got a better treatment but still... it's hard recapturing that initial magic.
> 
> Anywho, it's still pretty great so I hope you enjoy this last installment and forgive any flaws as this is unbeta'd.
> 
> You guys are awesome :)

** Day  ** 271

At first Alex isn’t sure what wakes her, let alone that she was awake.She was caught in that strange in between where awake and dreaming were the same, every muscle in her body relaxed.

That changed quite quickly when she heard a soft sob coming from beside her and felt Kara writhing in the bed.

Her eyes snapped open, body lurching up onto one arm as she tried to blink away sleep.There were no other sounds than the ones Kara was making so that likely ruled out an intruder and, seeing the blonde’s face, tortured in her dreams, confirmed that whatever was happening wasn’t dangerous.

Kara was on her back, hands clenched by her sides as she struggled against some invisible entity, soft whimpers and pleading sobs escaping her.

It wasn’t the first nightmare the blonde had had by a longshot, but it was the first one that was this intense.Normally she’d lurch up out of her sleep panting and refusing that anything was wrong.

This was not that.

Whatever she was seeing was causing her real pain.

Alex flicked on the lights, careful not to lean over Kara too much so as not to make the situation any worse.Once illumination had been taken care of, she laid her head next to Kara’s and softly whispered to her to wake up.She told her it was just a nightmare and that she was here, and she wasn’t going anywhere; that she would stay with her until she woke up.

She pets Kara’s face as gently as she can, keeping her touch light so that her wife will feel her presence without the pressure.

Hopefully.

It’s what Alex’s mom had done for her as a child and it’s the only real thing she has to go off of in this situation.

Eventually, Alex is rewarded for her dedication with a sharp huff and a cracked open blue eye.Kara’s hiccupped sniffle is so heartbreaking that Alex can’t help wrapping around her.Slowly so she doesn’t startle the girl.

Unfortunately, she is unsuccessful, and Kara pushes her away to sit up, arms wrapping around her knees while she stares off into space.

Alex sits up with her but doesn’t make another attempt at touching her.Kara has made it clear she doesn’t want that, and Alex will respect her, even if it is tearing her up inside.

It’s almost thirty minutes later that Kara finally speaks, eyes still wide and unseeing.Alex hasn’t said anything the whole time and has been a silent companion, so the hoarse voice takes her off guard.

“I’m sorry.I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Alex feels her mouth pull down, forces her hands to remain by her sides.“I don’t mind.Do you want to talk about it?”

Kara shakes her head slowly.

“Ok.”Alex says, feeling unbelievably helpless.“Can I take your mind off it?”

“How?”

Alex racks her brain.

Racks her brain some more.

A quick glance out the window shows that it’s raining, so a late night bike ride is out of the question.

What else do they do in those sappy romance movies?

She quickly exes that out in her mind.She can’t do _anything_ they do in the sappy romance movies.

What had her mom done?

Story!

Alex has lots of stories.

Great stories.

“Well… um…” The fact that she can’t think of one off the top of her head means absolutely nothing.“Uh… This one time my parents let me visit with Lucy’s family for a week in the summer to save me from the cold right?Except Lucy was being annoying because she’d just discovered boys but also did not have money to go see boys, so she’d gotten this part time job watching the neighbor kids.”Alex fidgets a little but continues when it seems that Kara is still paying attention.“So, Lucy and I were babysitting her 2 year old neighbor and he was getting fussy so she says ‘hey, I know what we can do’ and then she picks this kid up from his swing and she starts like tossing him in the air.”Alex mimics the motion, hands jumping up as she mimes throwing a child.“So, I’m like ‘whoa that seems dangerous, I’m out’ but then Lucy tosses the baby at me and you know… _unfortunately_ my first thought was that she was annoying and I that I had said ‘no’ so I kind of… stepped out of the way…”

There’s a brief lull of silence, neither moving as they both stare at a point in front of them.Alex is regretting everything she had just said in that moment.Clearly that had been a stupid story to share.Why had that even come up?She could have told her about literally anything!Her first goldfish!Her first car!Her surfing competitions!

She was just trying to say that she didn’t want to be annoying and then she’d remembered when Lucy had been annoying and then the story had fallen out of her but… man was that a silly thing to say.Why had she done that?Kara must think she was a psychopath now?

Or a sociopath?Did allowing a child to fall count as sociopathic behavior if she felt bad about it?

“Alex?”Alex hums her acknowledgement, rolling her lips to stave off any other terrible confessions that are trying to make their way out.“Did you kill a baby?”

“What?”Alex’s head snaps to Kara who is looking at her with an unreadable expression.“No!No, he was fine!I mean, he cried a lot, but he was great!He’s like a super genius now, a little awkward but I mean who _isn’t_ awkward, right?” 

She laughs nervously, scratching at the back of her neck and praying to any and all deities that a black hole swallow her up.

Kara grunts and shakes her head.“Alex… that was a _terrible_ story.”

Alex clears her throat, squinting at an invisible spot in her ceiling.“Uh, yeah.Yeah it was.”

There’s a cool draft on her skin moments before Kara kisses her cheek, head settling comfortably on Alex’s shoulder.

“Thank you.”

As mortified as she still is, she can’t help but notice that Kara is now aware and talking.A small part of her thinks her embarrassment might have been worth it.

“You’re very welcome.”

Kara releases a shaky sigh and nods.“You died.In my dream you… it was that day, but I was older… like now and you…”the blonde’s breath hitches and she takes a second to steady herself.Alex wants to hold her but doesn’t, unwilling to push for more when it’s clear Kara has struggled to give her this much.“You were in the house with them.I couldn’t get to you.You _died_ Alex…”

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, pressing a kiss to the top of Kara’s head and rubbing a hand across her back and shoulders.“I’m sorry you had to experience that.That must have been terrible.That’s not fair and it sucks, and I wish I could make it better but… I’m _here._ I’m not dead and I have no plans of dying for an _excruciatingly_ long time.”

“… It wasn’t as terrible as you dropping a child.”Kara says, fatigue coloring her voice.

“I didn’t _drop_ him, I just didn’t _catch_ him. _Lucy_ dropped him.”

Kara licks her lips and turns her head so that her nose is pressed to Alex’s neck.Alex reaches down and laces their fingers together trying to offer as much comfort as Kara is willing to accept.

“Please don’t leave me.”Kara whimpers, her nails digging into Alex’s hand painfully.“Please.I can’t—Alex I—”

“Breathe,” Alex soothes, “I’m here.I’m not going anywhere.Just breathe with me ok?”

The worry she feels at Kara’s unsteady breathing is something she’s learning to live with.She’s learned during their tenure, that aside from external mechanisms, when Kara is especially upset about something she sometimes forgets to breathe.Or has trouble breathing.

Alex hasn’t quite figured out which, but she always feels ready to pull the trigger on the emergency inhaler when Kara shows even the slightest hint of extreme emotion.

Face buried in her neck, Kara nods jerkily and, after another short while, is once again silent in Alex’s arms.

Alex pushes strands of hair away from Kara’s face, tilting her chin up to get a better look at her.

“Hey, do you wanna watch cartoons in the living room?I’ll make cookies.”

Kara’s nose crinkles. “You _heat up_ cookies.”

“Semantics,” Alex argues, already scooting off the bed and lifting Kara into her arms.The artist squeaks and flails as she grabs at Alex but is otherwise silent.

Alex dumps on her the couch, feeling slightly gratified at all of the times Kara has manhandled _her_ , and moves to her freezer.The prepackaged frozen cookies are sitting on her top shelf and she pulls them out, setting them up on a baking pan.

The soft noise of cartoons comes from the television, and as the package promised, her cookies are done in less than ten minutes.Feeling vastly overprotective and affectionate, she brings the hot plate of goodness over to her wife and pulls her to lay across her lap.

They stay like that until they fall asleep, Kara’s head cushioned over Alex’s heartbeat. 

~*~ ****

**DAY 273**

 

Alex looks at herself in the mirror, trying to wrap her mind around the fact that she will soon be introducing Kara to the world as her wife.

She’d treated both herself, and Kara to a spa day.This time receiving only small complaints from the artist.Alex was learning that Kara complained less when things were practical.Or when it was ice cream.

They’d been massaged, waxed, and plucked to model levels of beauty and sent on their way with fresh skin and nails.Alex _did_ have to force Kara to go to the stylist.The blonde had insisted she could do her own hair, so Alex had requested that she at least keep her company.A tall brunette had taken one look at Kara trying to go unnoticed and had swept her up before Kara could get one-word in.

Alex had been coming to this salon for years and she was well aware of what Nia thought about ‘watchers’.

She’d pay for her crimes in hell.

Her chin length bob had been curled and some color had been added to accentuate her highlights.

Kara’s had been braided in a beautiful messy do, with sparkly stones dispersed throughout.

Her makeup is flawless, her eyebrows darkened to perfection.She’d actually felt so confident after seeing the results of her own makeup that she’d offered to do Kara’s as well.Not that Kara needed it.She was a work of art all by herself.

She also could not apply mascara for shit.She was the twitchiest client Alex had ever had the displeasure of serving.

And yet, she’d still come out looking better than Alex.

Some people had all the luck.

Up until now, the only ones who had known about the marriage—fake or not—had just been their inner circle.

Alex’s parents and friends and Kara’s friends from school.

No outsiders really knew about them.

Not that there was a “them” but… well…

Alex had enjoyed that; the illusion of what they’d had but now it was time for their little bubble to burst.

Every inch of her loved the closeness that she and Kara had started to build towards each other.There was a genuine comradery that hadn’t been there when they had first started this.

Meeting new people—acting _normal_ around new people… that was something she wasn’t sure she could do.Not when all she wanted was…

She had no idea what she wanted actually but she knew that it had something to do with Kara.She wanted them to be ok.

“Hey Alex…”Kara’s voice comes from the bathroom and a moment later she emerges and stops Alex’s heart.“Can you help me with this zipper?”

It takes her a second to regain her breath, to remember to breathe and blink and _function._ But when she does, she fights a nervous smile and wipes her palms on the black and blue gown she’s wearing.

Kara smiles back at her and spins to offer Alex the zipper in question, revealing miles of skin and a dip in her spine that Alex wanted to caress.

She doesn’t.

She exercises extreme self-control and gamely takes the fabric of Kara’s dress between her hands.Is it possible to hate an inanimate object?Because, as more of Kara’s flesh is concealed by the red dress Alex had selected for her, Alex finds herself wanting to destroy the zipper.

For all that this party is fancy, there will be very little in the way of gowns tonight.Fancy dresses are more the style since their host likes to keep things both classy _and_ flirty.The dress is a lace floral pattern and hugs all of Kara’s curves perfectly.

The piece that makes Alex’s mouth water—besides _all_ of it—is the hemline stopping about mid-thigh.It’s just this side of modest but still makes Alex’s skin itch.

Aside from that, Kara is completely covered, the sleeves brushing down to her palms, while the neckline covers her shoulders and clinches with a sort of lavallíere bow.

She’s wearing black strappy sandals that would have made her tower over Alex if the doctor hadn’t decided to wear her own, slightly taller heel.

It was killer on her feet, but she found that she wanted to be the taller one tonight.

Alternatively, Alex is wearing the simplest of simple black dresses complete with plunging neckline.She’d felt pretty confident about the dress until Kara had looked at her oddly when Alex had initially emerged from the bathroom.The blonde’s crinkle had become extremely pronounced and she’d bitten her lip like she’d wanted to say something.Before Alex could ask what that was, Kara was gathering her things and taking her turn in the bathroom.

Alex had stared herself into oblivion in the mirror after that.

Kara’s still smiling when she turns around, but she fiddles with her earrings in a clear sign of nervousness.“Ready?”

“Is it ok if I say no?”Alex questions.

“Yes.”

“Then no.”

The soft tinkle of Kara’s laugh lightens Alex’s chest and she manages a real smile of her own.She expects it will be her only one for the rest of the night.

By the time they make it to the venue, the place is already packed full of people with too many letters in their titles and not enough sense in their heads.Alex is proven wrong in her earlier assumption when Kara continuously manages to keep her entertained.

At first the blonde had seemed extremely uncomfortable and had taken Alex’s hand like it was her personal life line.For her part, Alex had kept all greetings to a respectable distance, her own spare of Kara’s emergency inhaler heavy in her clutch.The last thing she’d wanted to happen was to have Kara inhale the wrong fragrance or, god forbid cigarette smoke, and have an asthma attack.

No, they’d be keeping 5 feet between them and other parties at all times.

Kara seems appreciative, and it seems, as Alex’s reward, that she has relegated herself to the entertainment role for the night.Every time they’re alone, Kara leans over to her, at near equal height now that Alex is in heels, and whispers some rumor in Alex’s ear.

Dr. Rhea Gand was apparently an alien hell bent on a world takeover and the only way to stop her was to destroy the flawless skin she had constructed for her face… literally the woman had developed her own skin cells and injected them into her face… It was weird.

There was a senator present who Kara insisted was a banshee with how squeaky her voice was.

Another guest, Dr. Susan Vasquez whose name was on Alex’s medical miracle surgery, was claimed to have a crush on Alex.Which was ridiculous.

They’re all clearly made up, but they make Alex snort on more than one occasion.She’s been getting concerned looks all night.

“I don’t know why you don’t believe me.” Kara says as Alex leads her over to the appetizer table.“It’s not like I would lie about that.”

“Aliens Kara?”Alex questions, smiling when the blonde lights up and immediately grabs two small plates, handing one to Alex and beginning to pile little cucumber sandwiches on hers.

“Not the aliens.The fact that your co-worker obviously has the hots for you.”

Alex feels her face go hot and becomes suddenly aware of the tray of pot stickers on the far side of the table.She points and sees Kara’s face light up from her peripherals.

The blonde darts off and Alex makes her escape.

It takes her three glasses of wine and another fifteen minutes of wandering around the hall aimlessly before she feels bad and goes looking for Kara.She finds her standing in front of what appears to be a large photograph of two children separated with Catherine Grant, Carter’s mother.

Where only a few days prior the woman had been an absolute mess, clearly at her wits end with bags under her eyes and hastily assembled outfits, you would never be able to tell.Cat stands in a cream-colored pants suit, tailored to encase every inch of her petite frame.Beneath the suit jacket, lies a black silky looking blouse and on her feet are blood red mile high pumps.Diamond jewelry glitters at her ears and neck and a gold watch adorns her left wrist.The whole outfit screams money and it takes Alex a second to realize that the woman she’s been gushing to about Kara is _the_ Cat Grant.

Having never actually met the woman, and with her nearly nonexistent knowledge of pop culture, it was little wonder that Alex had never placed Cat Grant grieving mother with _Catherine_ Grant CEO, world renowned journalist, and women’s rights activist.

She is proud to say that she at least doesn’t stutter when the women turn to face her.

“Ms. Grant.”Alex greets, switching her fourth wine glass to her left hand so she can reach out with her right.Cat takes her proffered hand with a grateful smile.

“Dr. Danvers.I’ve just come from the hospital, Carter is doing fabulously.He was awake and eating Jell-O when I left.”Cat’s eyes are crinkled at the corners and it’s an expression that Alex has never quite seen on her.Pure happiness on this woman’s face.She ignores the way Kara stiffens next to her and only returns Cat’s smile, opening her mouth to say something when Cat returns her attention to an uncomfortable looking Kara.“We were just admiring your wife’s piece.”Cat spares an appreciative look at the art on the wall.“I hope you don’t mind, it’s just when you showed me all of those photos from her art show and went on and on about how talented she was… well, I asked my team to procure one of her works for tonight.This was my favorite.”

Alex shifts uncomfortably and clears her throat, before steeling herself and wrapping her free arm around Kara’s waist.“I’m sure she appreciates the compliments.”Cat’s eyes widen and she looks at Kara with renewed interest.“Ms. Grant, this is my wife, Kara.Kara, this is my patient’s mother and apparently our host for tonight, Cat Grant.”

For her part, Kara’s face is as red as a tomato.She’s fumbles with the glass in her hand and stutters her greeting.

Cat’s eyes narrow and she hums, an amused smile coating her lips.“Interesting.Your wife is… very fond of you.”

“Yes well,” Kara smiles at Alex and it almost looks genuine, “I’m very fond of her as well.”

Before Alex can question what she means by that, a man in a black suit is running up and whispering something in Cat’s ear.Cat’s smile tenses.

“Excuse me, it appears I have to go handle a disturbance.”She says before allowing herself to be led away.

Five seconds after she has disappeared from their line of sight, Kara is stepping out of her arms and swatting Alex’s shoulder with her clutch.

“Ow.” The hit hadn’t actually hurt but it still makes Alex look at the blonde in shock.Kara’s a physical person yes, but she had never actually attacked Alex in this manner.“You _just_ said you were fond of me!Why did you—”

“You told her about my paintings?!ALEX!”Kara isn’t yelling per se, but her voice is screechy even if she is whispering.The blush has worked its way down past her face onto her neck and disappearing into …ok, Alex is distracted.

“I didn’t know it was her!”Alex snaps, forcing her eyes back to safer territory and seeing Kara’s eyes flash.“I _didn’t_!She was sad about Carter and she asked me to tell her about _me_ which you know I’m terrible at so I… I kind of just told her about you.”

Kara’s shoulders sag and she looks tired.“Alex…”

The way she says her name reminds Alex of the many recriminations of their past; of all the times Kara had kindly but firmly said ‘no’.Alex hadn’t even been making a move this time and she was still getting clobbered.

“Your painting is on display for a ton of millionaires with fake art addictions to see Kara.This is a huge opportunity.I’m not going to apologize for that.”

The crinkle in Kara’s forehead becomes even more pronounced.

“Excuse me.”A smarmy looking frat boy waltzes over to them, looking Kara up and down with what Alex is sure is supposed to be a charming grin.It looks a lot more lecherous and gives Alex the unsavory kind of goosebumps.“I hope this isn’t a bad time, but I was wondering if you might like to dance.”

Kara blinks, once, twice; a new blush overtaking the old one for completely different reasons.The blonde fumbles, hands fluttering in front of her as she tries to speak.She keeps glancing at Alex as if looking to make sure she’s ok.Like she _wants_ to dance with this asshole but doesn’t want to offend Alex in the process.Like Alex isn’t standing _right here,_ ready and willing to be Kara’s dance partner if she wants her to be.

Alex feels her already simmering blood begin to boil.

This?

Frat boy smiles wider and easily removes Kara’s glass from her hand, offering his arm instead.Kara had asked that he do neither.Kara hadn’t even given the impression that she wanted him to do either.Fucking _asshole._

_This_ is what Kara preferred to her?

She will not punch this idiot.She will not, she will not, she will not.

“I—”

The first word isn’t even out of the blonde’s mouth before Alex hears a cracking sound and feels intense pain in her left hand.Kara gasps at the same time Alex looks down at her hand to see blood and a broken wine glass.

Well shit.

She opens her mouth to make her excuses, embarrassment flooding through her at her lack of couth, but Kara steamrolls right over her.

“Oh my god Alex.”Kara grabs her arm, pulling her away from the strange man without a backwards glance and starting towards the lady’s room.Alex allows herself to be towed, shocked that Kara had left her beau and also secretly pleased that it got them away from the idiot even if this _did_ hurt like hell.

Kara grabs a server, a small redheaded woman, on their way to the restroom and demands a first aid kit.There’s an alarmed glance at Alex’s hand before the employee is rushing off.

And man can Kara walk fast.She drags Alex past a small group of women into the bathroom and towards the sink, directing her bleeding hand under the water.

Alex hisses but lets her, strangely ok with Kara’s less than gentle handling of her injury if it means that she’s no longer stuttering over the man child.

“What were you thinking?”Kara reaches up into her hair and pulls out a hair pin, using it to snag the larger pieces of glass from Alex’s flesh.Alex also chooses to not remark on how unsanitary that probably is.“Why would you do that Alex?”

“I think it’s pretty clear that that was an accident.Maybe you should be mad at the glass company for making such fragile glass.”

Kara looks up, mouth pinched as she levels Alex with an unamused glare.It makes Alex very grateful when only a few moments later, the female server from before hurries in with the requested first aid kit.

She is less happy when Eliza follows after said server.

“What happened?”Her mother demands, voice slightly shaky as she sees the destruction of Alex’s hand.Alex is only grateful she’d already done her world changing surgery or her mother would have snarked about that as well.

“She’s an idiot.”Kara states, talking over Alex’s halfhearted explanation.

“Hey!”

Eliza glares.“I can hardly see how idiocy would result in… in _this._ ”She gestures towards Alex’s hand, the server popping open the lid to the kit and holding it while Kara pulled out a proper set of tweezers.

Alex, no longer able to hold her tongue regarding sanitation, makes an eep sound and grabs an alcohol pad with her free hand.Kara glares at the movement but accepts the cleaning cloth.

“Clearly, _this idiot_ is set on making the impossible happen.”The way Kara is cleaning the tweezers Alex is suddenly unsure she wants her anywhere near her hand.Kara, unfortunately, does not seem to care about her wants, and begins removing the smaller pieces of glass.“She broke a wine glass in her hand.”

Eliza blinks.“What?”

“Exactly.”

Alex huffs and fights the urge to pull her hand away.

Eliza pulling it away for her is a development she had _not_ foreseen.

Kara’s eyebrows shoot into her hairline and she scrabbles after Alex’s hand like she’s afraid it’ll fall off.“Dr. Danvers—”

“I need to speak to my daughter.Alone.”Eliza’s voice is stone and Alex wonders what speech she will receive this time.Making a scene in the middle of such a high-end event is hardly ‘good behavior’ and is sure to be a smear on Eliza’s pristine reputation.

The server looks between them all before sliding the first aid kit onto the sink counter and scurrying out of the room.Kara’s response is to give Alex a wary look.

“Dr. Danvers—”

“Now please.”

Kara looks at her again and whatever she sees—probably abject misery—makes her straighten to her full height, shoulders sliding back and chin tilting up.“No.”

“No?”Eliza looks almost angry now and if it wasn’t for the fact that she was trying to keep her hand from dripping all over the tile, Alex would have stepped between them.“Maybe you were mistaken but I wasn’t really asking.”

“Dr. Danvers,” Kara shifts, the small look of uncertainty on her face all Eliza would need to destroy her, “I respect your… _demand_ but Alex is my wife and—"

“Hardly.That sham wedding can still be annulled with the right lawyers.If you want to keep living in comfort rather than on the streets, I’d suggest you learn your place.”

“Mom!”The rage from before is back, only different.Alex has never wanted to hurt her mother, she still doesn’t, but she finds herself wanting to shake the woman.Very hard.

“It’s a family matter,” Eliza insists in that same icy tone, “and she is not family.Honestly Alex, for someone as bright as yourself, surely you would recognize that J’onn poking around would raise alarms in our circle.”Alex’s blood runs cold and Eliza turns to Kara who is now looking between the two of them with something like fear in her eyes.“Don’t tell me you expected this to go on forever?While I can understand my daughter’s… _desperation_ for citizenship _,_ neither I nor her father would have allowed her to stay in a loveless marriage.It seems my daughter was just a few steps ahead of us; she’s been looking for ways around this for months.”

Kara shakes her head slowly, but her eyes are suspiciously shiny.“That’s not true.That’s—Alex wouldn’t—”

“Why would you think it wasn’t?You are very kind Kara, but you can’t possibly have thought this was going to last.Alex has everything going for her, and, were it to get out that she was seeing someone of your… stature, it would be detrimental to her career.It’s best to end this quietly,” Eliza turns to glare at Alex, “before any more ‘accidents’ happen.”

“Don’t you dare imply that I would _ever_ hurt Alex.”

“Young lady I don’t know how much clearer I have to be for you—”

“Mom!”

Eliza speaks over her, voice staying just low enough to keep their privacy.“But I can see your _lack_ of family makes you ignorant to the inner workings of _ours_ —”

Alex grabs Eliza’s arm with her unbloodied hand, squeezing hard in a bid to gain her attention.

“Mom, that is enough!”

“So let me make myself crystal clear; you are _not_ a part of this family.You will never _be_ a part of this family.I don’t know where _your_ family is; whether they were drug addicts or just didn’t want you but—”

“They’re dead.”Kara cuts Eliza off, voice choked but clear.She’s definitely crying now and Alex watches as a tear treks down her cheek.“My family is dead.My mom, dad, aunt and uncle… all dead.There was an accident and...But you’re wrong Dr. Danvers,” Kara steps closer, fists clenched at her sides and chin still stubbornly raised.“You’re wrong about me not having any family.Family is more than blood.”Kara nods and the tension in her body eases slightly as if she’s realizing something herself.“I have a family.It may not be as ‘real’ as yours, but at least my people support me.” Blue eyes lock on Alex’s.“They don’t lie to me or lead me on.That’s more than I can say about yours.”

Eliza sputters and whirls on Alex.“This is what you’ve brought into our lives?This blatant disrespect?!”

“I,” Kara swallows audibly, raises her chin even higher.“I think I should—” She points at the door and makes a move to leave but Alex grabs her arm.

Fuck the floor.

“How dare you.”The words are forced from between clenched teeth and a red haze settles over her vision.It’s extremely difficult not to clench her fingers where they wrap around Kara’s wrist, but she manages.The last thing she wants to do is add to the woman’s pain.“Who do you think you are to talk to her like that?”

Eliza’s jaw drops, and for the first time Alex can remember, it is her _mother_ who looks uncertain.

And then very angry.

“Alexandra Danvers that is quite enough.I will not be talked to like that; especially not in front of guests.If you have something to say to me, we can discuss it at **home**.”

“Oh, but it’s ok for you to talk to Kara like that?To treat her like… like _garbage!_ ”

“Alex—” Kara’s voice is watery as she tries to interrupt, and it stabs at Alex’s heart.

“I would never!”Eliza speaks over her, voice sinking into a hiss.“But she is—”

“ _MY_ _WIFE_.”Alex yells, a certain sense of satisfaction bubbling inside her at being able to say that, even if it was just for a transaction at the moment.“Kara is my wife and is privy to any and all respect that such a title should offer her.As my mother, you should be _protecting_ her not beating her down.You want to have a go at me?Fine.You want to tell me how much of a disappointment I am?Go ahead.I’m used to it.But you _will_ treat Kara with respect, or we will leave, and you won’t ever see us again.”Alex’s lowers her hand, finds Kara’s palm and laces their fingers together.“She _is_ my family now, whether you like it or not and I will not allow you or _anyone_ to ever hurt her again.Not on my watch.”

Eliza looks between the two of them, a frown marring her features, but she doesn’t say anything, and the look of contempt doesn’t leave her face.Alex nods firmly, grabs a roll of gauze from the kit and drags Kara behind her.

“Good to know your priorities are still the same. Goodbye mom.”

 

~*~

Kara is silent on the drive home, but she takes the gauze from Alex and starts to dab at the wound with a cloth she pulls from her pocket.

A square cloth that feels kind of satiny.

Kara glances up to gauge Alex’s pain level presumably, and the brunette pulls the silliest agony-stricken face she can manage.It makes Kara crack a small exasperated smile.Score for Alex Danvers.

“Is that a handkerchief?”Alex questions softly, eyes darting between the cloth and Kara’s bent head.It’s dark in the cab but Alex can still tell Kara is blushing again.

It’s remarkably easy to make her blush.

Remarkably easy to make her smile too; to ease her tensions.It’s remarkable how easy it is to make someone go from upset to ok once you get to know them.

“Winn said that I should get one.They had some at the Goodwill and…”There’s a pause as Kara pulls her lip between her teeth.“Winn thought it would help me fit in.”

Alex makes a noncommittal noise.“Pretty sure that you fit in because of your unmatched beauty and _my_ amazing fashion choice but… sure handkerchief for the gentlewoman win.”

“Your ‘amazing’ fashion choice?”Kara scoffs and starts wrapping Alex’s hand in gauze.“Little full of yourself there aren’t you Alex?”

“I’m really happy that that’s the only part of my statement you find to be unbelievable.Really.Normally when I compliment you, you don’t believe me.”

Kara grimaces and bites her lip. “I may… have some… _trust_ issues…”

“No?”Alex asks with a teasing grin.“You?”

“Well we all have things we need to work on.”Kara says, scowling up at Alex as she finishes off the bandage and holds Alex’s hand up.“This for example: not cool and I’d really like an explanation please.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

The air shifts, the light teasing quality fading slowly into one of melancholy.Alex leans her head on the cushions behind her, her body still turned towards Kara as she tries to distract herself with the different shades of colors in Kara’s eyes.This woman is so beautiful, and Alex is… maybe a little inebriated.Not suited for this conversation assuredly.

Still, Kara raises that gorgeous chin of hers in challenge and coaxes a smile from Alex with only that small gesture.So stubborn her wife.Strong.A fighter.

“Try me.”Is what she says and maybe it’s because Alex is already drunk, or maybe it’s because Kara looks absolutely stunning, or maybe it’s just that she’s tired of half-truths and skirting around sensitive subjects and just not being herself.Just for tonight… just for now she’d like to have nothing trapped in her throat.

“I just…”Alex blows out a breath, looking everywhere but at Kara, her words coming slowly as she thinks everything over.“It hurt,” she admits, “when I realized that as much as I was falling for you, you didn’t want to…” her head shakes and her nose crinkles, the back of the driver’s head suddenly taking her focus. “… _return_ those feelings.But I got over it because… having you in my life… I like how I feel; how _you_ make me feel…I don’t want to lose that.Ever.” She shrugs carelessly, ignoring the sting in her eyes as she lazily takes in Kara’s stricken face, “it’s just seeing you fall for that guy back there?Like it was nothing… you’ve never looked at me like that.I wanted you to look at me like that.”

Kara swallows hard and looks away.

The rest of the ride home is completed in silence, but Alex takes comfort in the way Kara never once releases her hand.

~*~  
  


They’re still holding hands when they enter the apartment and Alex immediately kicks off her heels, Kara reaching out to support her when she stumbles slightly.

“Are you hungry?”Alex asks, moving towards the kitchen towards her stash of Kind bars.“I know I made us miss dinner which would actually have been amazing, but I can order us somethi—” she stops herself and releases Kara’s hand to check the fridge.“Or we can cook.Or you cook and I assist because I think we’ve learned by now that I—”

“That fancy Mexican place you like delivers now.We could look up their menu online.”

“Oh.”Alex pulls her head out of the fridge and looks back at Kara, worry gnawing at her gut.“Ok.”

Kara gives her a halfhearted smile and pulls out her phone.Her blonde hair is still up in that complicated braid, with the tail resting perfectly over her shoulder; the dress is still pristine, and, unlike Alex, she is still wearing her shoes.Physically she looks ready for a night out but something about her makes Alex cross the room and wrap her in a hug from behind.

The alcohol has really taken away her boundary issues.

On a good day Kara is a good inch or two taller than Alex; in heels… the height difference is obviously more pronounced, and Alex can only barely snuffle at the back of the blonde’s neck.This close she can smell every note of the perfume Kara was wearing, a soft but spicy scent like… cinnamon?Alex forces herself not to sniff again.She’s been weird enough for one night.

Kara tenses in her hold for several seconds, but then her body slumps and she leans back into Alex, allowing her free hand to rest over Alex’s on her waist.

“I’m sorry I started that fight with your mom.”

Alex snorts.“That definitely wasn’t you.That was all Eliza, all the time.You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Still,” Kara fidgets and Alex loosens her hold enough that the blonde can turn in her arms and face her.“That’s your mother.I never expected you to… you didn’t have to—”

“Kara…”Alex frames her face in her hands, pulling slightly until Kara looked at her.“You…”There’s so much she wants to say; so much she _needs_ to tell her… she doesn’t want to scare her off.How much worse could she possibly make this?“You’re important and Eliza is… complicated.She’ll come around eventually; she always does.”

“She was wrong you know?I had a family.”Kara smiles, but there are tears in her eyes again and her eyes continuously dart between Alex’s and some place over her shoulder.“My mom was… she was the best mom.She’s the one who taught me how to cook and—they were at dinner.It was just a normal Sunday family dinner you know?But those things were always a mess and my aunt Astra and uncle Non were fighting again and Non started drinking and so mom asked Astra to take me and Clark out to the swing set so we wouldn’t get in the way you know?So that my dad could calm him down maybe.”She bites her lip and looks away, her breaths starting to hitch as Alex reaches for her.Kara flinches away and starts to sob.“Except Uncle Non… they took him to my dad’s office in the basement… he was a scientist too, like your parents…Uncle Non was smoking they think, and he must have knocked something over…”Kara’s been digging at her nail beds and chewing her lip, but both actions turn almost aggressive now and Alex is worried she’ll hurt herself, so she grabs her hands and pulls her back in to her arms. Kara doesn’t resist this time and Alex is almost grateful for the wet heat she feels on her neck.“They were yelling and then it was just… they were gone.Somehow the cops said Aunt Astra was involved and… I think she felt so guilty and sad that she just went along with it.I know she didn’t have anything to do with it… She’s in prison.”

Alex waits for her to calm down, her hands running up and down Kara’s back as gently as she can manage, the words falling from her lips barely comprehensible.She says every good thing she knows how to say.Anything to make this better.

When Kara is more hiccupping then sobbing, Alex breaks her silence with a soft “I’m sorry.”

“I try to visit her sometimes.”Kara confesses on a sniffle.“She hates how I’m… she keeps telling me to stop.To save my money for an apartment.I _have_ a family Alex.”

“I know you do.”

“I have Miss Elizabeth who… she’s usually sleeping under the bridge on 7th but she taught me 10th– 12TH grade science and math so I could pass my GED test and go to college.She’s my second mom.And Mr. Mason’s the crotchetiest old man in the world but he taught me how to fish; when it was safe to bathe in the rivers and when you should just go without.He was a really great dad.And Elaf… he’s more of an Uncle to me than my own.”Kara sounds like she might cry again so Alex squeezes her tight.

“My mom was wrong Kara.She had no right to talk to you like that.”

“It wasn’t true.”Kara pulls back.“I’m not using you for your family or your connections or… or your money.Alex I’m—”

“It’s ok.”Alex tugs her back, cradling the woman as best she can and cursing herself for removing her shoes.“It’s ok; I never thought that of you.You don’t have to worry about that.”

Kara sniffles but relaxes slightly and Alex allows herself to sink into the brief moment of respite; allows herself to hold Kara and be held in turn.

When she feels a stutter in Kara’s chest she quickly reaches for her bag and pulls out the inhaler.Kara gives her the usual exasperated look but accepts the medicine.When she’s done, she immediately returns to Alex’s arms.

Which is just as well since she’s pretty much the only thing keeping Alex from hunting Eliza down and giving her a piece of her mind.There was no way that Kara deserved this. _Any_ of this and yet Eliza had taken it upon herself—as usual—to interfere in Alex’s life and her decisions.Alex hadn’t minded before but now Kara’s feelings were on the line and she was finding this love thing made her very sensitive to Kara’s emotions.

As in she wanted to kill anyone who hurt her.

She’d never physically hurt Eliza but maybe if she broke that hideous vase her mother liked so much…

“Did you really look for a way out of this?”Kara finally questions softly.Alex isn’t sure how much time has passed at that point, but it feels like a while.And she has to restart her mind to recognize what Kara is asking.

She sighs heavily and kisses Kara’s hair.“No.I told J’onn about you and… and I’ve never lied to him before, so I didn’t start now but he thought it’d be best to… dissolve this and _I_ told him I didn’t want that.He must have thought he was helping.I’m not sure how my mom got involved though.He’s usually really good at keeping her out of it.”

Kara squeezes her.“They don’t deserve you.”

It makes Alex want to laugh and cry at the same time.

“So you keep saying.”

“It’s true.You’re amazing.”

“So are you.”Alex murmurs, pieces slowly falling into place for her.Kara not going at Eliza in the same way she had Jeremiah; Kara telling her about her family _now_ after almost a year together; Her Aunt sending her away every time she tried to connect; Kara asking her if— “I’m not leaving you.”Kara shudders in her arms and Alex tightens her grip.“Kara, just because I’m in love with you doesn’t mean I expect anything from you.You had every right to like that guy—”

“Alex—”

“No, you did.You _do._ I don’t hold any sole ownership rights to your feelings or emotions.And I would never try to hold you back.”She presses a lingering kiss to Kara’s cheek.“I would never leave you.You loving me back or not, that does not determine my presence in your life.The only way I’m leaving is if you ask me to.”

Kara chokes on a laugh, the noise sounding more like a sob as she pulls away and wipes at her face.

“We should have ordered the food first.”

“Yeah,” Alex agrees, laughing gently, “how about this?You go get cleaned up, put on some more comfortable clothes and I’ll order for us?”

Kara nods and moves towards the bedroom, Alex watching her go.It isn’t till she is out of site that Alex pulls her phone from her bag and starts tapping away at her food ordering app.

She’s just confirmed her order when Kara speed walks back into the kitchen, grabs Alex’s head and presses her back against the refrigerator door. There’s a millisecond of shock, the impact and cold from the steel door behind her making her arch into Kara and gasp, and then she’s being kissed.

Kara is kissing her.

And this isn’t like their previous kisses where neither of them was sure of the other; where they were exploring or testing the waters.

This was…

Experience.

Emotion.

Heat.

Hot.

Holy fucking hell.

Kara releases her, hands landing on the fridge on either side of Alex’s head even as she runs her nose along Alex’s temple.

“Sorry.I’m sorry that wasn’t… I didn’t like that guy; I actually kind of wanted you to pull that whole ‘possessive’ thing you do where you growl out that I’m ‘your wife’ and… We should talk.We need to—I wanted to use my words but I—”

“Can we do that again?”Alex interrupts, eyes clenched shut and hands clutching at Kara’s now sweatpants clad hips.She leans forehead until she feels her forehead bump Kara’s, sighing with pleasure at the contact.“The thing with the lips and the tongues… kissing… that was… I really liked that.Felt good.”

Kara chuckles and tilts her head down, kissing Alex softly and zapping what little strength remains in her legs.If this is how Kara really kissed, Alex was a goner.Death by attraction was going to be a thing.

Maybe Cat could write about it.

“We need to talk first.”Kara says, sighing as she pulls away completely, her face screaming her desire to move back in.“I— **I** do _not_ have the high ground on the emotions part Alex.”

Oh.

~*~

“Why wouldn’t you just _talk_ to me about this?”

“I was trying to be respectful.”

“Of who?”

“You…”

“How?”

Alex pouts and stuffs a taco into her mouth, the flare of peppers distracting her enough that she can try to formulate a response that doesn’t sound dumb.So far, she is failing.

After sharing a few more kisses, Alex had taken her turn in cleaning up, opting for a thermal and shorts with her Yoda socks.Kara had giggled the first time she’d seen said socks and Alex was hoping their reappearance would ease some of the tension.

She needn’t have worried.

Kara was more concerned with how Alex had kept her feelings a secret for so long rather than the actual feelings.

So now they’re on the couch in the living room, bags of food stacked on the coffee table in front of them while Alex tries valiantly not to get taco sauce on her bandage.She’s barely buzzed at this point, and she thinks maybe the excited energy she’s feeling right now is more from her excited feelings surrounding Kara and her kiss, but she also wants to be as sober as possible for this conversation.Which means she has forgone pain meds and is slugging through the throbbing in her hand.

At least it serves as a point of focus.

“You kept telling me no.I wasn’t going to…”Alex circles her taco wielding hand, searching for the right word.“ _Harass_ you.”

Kara shakes her head, eyes narrowed in her ‘what the hell are you talking about look’.

“When in the world did I tell you no?”

“When you said you weren’t the happily ever after—

“Oh, _come on_.”

“Or when you said that we should just be roommates.”

“You _agreed_ with me!”

“Or how about all those times you were mean and cranky when I did nice things for you?”

Kara huffs, arms crossing under her breasts and making Alex question her motives.The move _was_ incredibly distracting, and Alex was winning… and weak.

“ _You_ interpreted my words and actions completely… recklessly.”

“Yes.”

“Alex!”Kara drops her arms and the spell is broken.The embarrassment rushes in but with it comes an easy sort of giddiness that Alex is _allowed_ to look now.That it’s not creepy and she’s not being a jerk.

“You are so beautiful.”Is what she says, taking the food off her lap and placing it on the coffee table.Kara mimics her and then she’s pushing the blonde into the couch cushions and sealing their mouths together.

Trying to pull her closer, Kara’s nails dig into Alex’s shoulders and her hips twist enough that Alex is almost sent flying.

They break out into giggles when Alex manages to right herself and Kara leans up to peck her on the lips.

“I’m sorry.”She doesn’t sound sorry at all.“God… I know we should be talking but I have no idea what about.You love me.”She says it with absolutely awe in her voice and Alex beams, swooping in and nipping at Kara’s neck.The blonde giggles and squirms and fills every single dark place in Alex’s heart.

“I thought that would piss you off.”She mumbles, finding it very difficult to stop kissing Kara.“You always get so mad at me.”

“Because you insisted on treating me like a baby.It took me awhile to realize you’re just really protective of your friends.You’re like a mama bear.”

Alex scoffs, mouths at Kara’s ear, “am not.”

“And a childish mama bear at that.”A loud peal of laughter interrupts her speech as Alex digs her fingers into Kara’s sides.“Ok, I give!I give!”

“Weakling.”

“Jerk.”

“You do know that that is not a term of endearment, right?”

“I know that _you_ are a really good kisser.”

Alex knows she shouldn’t feel thrilled at that compliment, but she can’t help preening anyway.In the back of her mind, ever since she realized that she liked women, she’d been secretly afraid that she wouldn’t be able to please them.That Kara found her kissing exemplary... well, she was understandably fighting the urge to beat her chest.

“What else do you know about me?”

Kara hums, laying back on the couch and gazing up at Alex with an adoring look on her face.Alex realizes that it’s similar to the soft gazes she usually receives from Kara and wonders for how long she’s been an idiot.

“I know that you’re not that great at relationships.You’re friendly and kind but you don’t really know how to express yourself... at least not outside of money.”Kara turns contemplative, fingers playing over the lines of Alex’s cheekbones.“I thought that you were such an asshole when I first moved in; the amount of money you would spend... and not just on me but... You buy gifts and you treat people to things in the same way that I have to hug everyone I meet.It’s different but it’s not bad.I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

There’s absolutely no point in not leaning in at that moment; in not kissing Kara.She keeps it soft though.Knows enough to know that starting anything more than this would be extremely detrimental.They’re _finally_ talking.Finally communicating.

Still, pulling away from Kara to sit beside her instead of press her down into the couch... it took a tremendous amount of strength on her part.She deserved a damn medal.

When Kara sends her a small vulnerable smile and follows her lead, Alex can’t help but to steal one more kiss.Sue her.

“To be fair,” Alex admits, watching Kara pull a throw pillow into her lap and fiddle with the tassels.“I thought you were _super_ ungrateful.I always felt like I couldn’t do anything right so I... threw money at the problem... obviously not my best work.”

“No.”Kara says, looking up at her from beneath long lashes, teasing smile in place.“No, it wasn’t but since I took offense to well... _everything..._ I can see how that would have painted you into a corner.”

“Now who’s the jerk?”

“Oh, still you.”

They both laugh, a comfortable silence settling over them as Alex drinks in Kara’s happy face.She thinks for a moment that this could be enough for her, deludes herself into thinking that she can be content just living like this.Unfortunately, if the past few months have taught her anything, it’s that misinformation and silence are crippling.She has to know.Even if the answer isn’t what she wants to hear.Even if...

Nudging Kara with her knee, she tries to keep her voice steady.To sound as unthreatening as possible.

“Hey, do you... I mean, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s there’s at least an _attraction_ to my stunning good looks.”Kara giggles and props her temple on the closed fist of her bent arm, eyes so soft that Alex has to remember what she was trying to say in the first place.“That is um... you know how I feel, I was just wondering how you... felt... about all of this... about me.”

Kara bites her lip, a sure sign of encroaching anxiety, but maintains their eye contact.Which is important Alex has learned.Kara likes to look at people when she’s serious.Alex doesn’t, but that Kara has decided eye contact is important here... she’ll suffer through her own awkwardness.

And try to ignore the sad look that has entered Kara’s eyes.

“I—Alex, you make me feel so many things.I feel so happy when I’m around you.Frustrated too but... safe.”When Kara looks down at the pillow in her lap, Alex feels something pull at her chest.She’s never seen this side of Kara before.Usually she’s the one avoiding and deflecting.“I meant it before when I said that you deserved better.And I know you don’t think that way but Alex... I don’t know _how_ to love you.I know I have these feelings; I know that I want to show you how special you are but... I don’t... I’ve never had to—” She makes a noise of frustration and presses two fingers into the crinkle at her brow.“I’ve never had to do this before and after my family... I never really _wanted_ to do this.You were very unplanned but now that I have this... I don’t want to lose you.I don’t want to go back to doing life without you… I just don’t know how to _keep_ you either.”

Alex shrugs.Of all the things she had expected Kara to say it had not been _that._ Luckily, it’s something she feels fairly qualified to address.

“I think you’ve been doing a pretty good job so far.”

Kara snorts.“If I had you wouldn’t be so unsure of my feelings right now.”

“That’s not true.You could have just told me you’re in love with me loud and clear, shown me that in a million different ways, and I’d probably still ask you for empirical evidence.”The smile she shoots Kara is only mildly self-deprecating, she is proud to say.“It’s either the scientist in me or my amazing upbringing.I find that I’m in need of near constant reassurance.”

“Proof of life.”

“What?”

The odd statement being thrown out so candidly pulls Alex from her downward spiral and she looks back up at Kara in confusion.The blonde has the soft look back in her eyes but there’s a hint of annoyance too.

“You think you’re terrible because you need reassurance, but I need proof of life.I get nervous... scared actually, when you stay at the hospital.When I haven’t heard from you in a while.That’s why I became friends with Vasquez... and Maggie... and Lucy... if you’re not with me, you’re usually with one of them and I can check on you...”Kara winces and looks away.“That sounded a lot less stalkery in my head.”

“I always kind of wanted a stalker.”Alex says thoughtfully, doing nothing at all to stop the wide grin on her face.“And I always thought it was weird that you became so close with my _friends_ and not _me.”_

Kara drops her face into her hands and groans.“I’m sorry!My social skills were… stunted.I don’t really know how _normal_ people go about being…”She waves her hand around.“Normal.”

“What I’m hearing is that you have _feelings_ for me.And that you think I’m _special_ and I make you feel _happy_ and _safe.”_

“Are you done?”

Alex ignores the quirked eyebrow and scoots herself closer, fisting the collar of Kara’s shirt and tugging her back into a lazy kiss.Their lips move languidly, giggles interspersing the meeting of their mouths and Alex can’t stop _smiling._ She can’t help it.She’s been waiting to do this for almost a year.The idea that Kara wants her as much as she wants Kara… 

It’s sublime.

And wow does Kara smell good.Alex is actually kind of jealous of whatever perfume she’d worn tonight.While Alex herself was more of a floral girl, Kara seemed to like to smell like spices… which kind of made her smell like a dessert.All Alex ever smelled like was roses which was pretty sure, but Kara smelled delicious.Which was much more sexy.

“Kara… do you think…” Alex hesitates, but Kara pulls away and cups her cheek, her other hand playing with the strands of Alex’s hair.They could stay like this… Alex could be happy with this. God, how many times does she have to say that herself?She’s _sick_ of settling.Kara… Kara had shown her that she deserved more than just sitting by and taking shit.“I want us to try to be _together._ I want us to maybe, if it works, if _we_ work, I want us to _stay_ married.If… that’s something you could see yourself wanting too…”

Kara rolls her eyes and releases her hold on Alex, leaning back and away with a small groan to grab something from the end table.

“You are very slow.”Kara declares, coming back up with her sketchpad and art kit.“Don’t think I didn’t notice you sneaking me new supplies by the way.”She glances up and catches Alex’s eyes, a small smile on her face.“Thank you… Now, just to jog your terrible memory; I literally just told you that I don’t want to live my life without you.”

The pen is uncapped and scribbling on a clean sheet of paper in her next breath.Alex leans up, trying to peer over and see what Kara is writing.She’s always had terrible eye sight though and she’s already taken out her contacts.

Dammit.

“So… that’s a yes?”

“That is a ‘if we’re going to try this, we need to be on the same page’.”Kara looks up from her scribbling and turns her pad to show Alex what she’s written.“So, so far, I’ve got lots of cuddles and kisses.What else do we need to make this work?”

Alex considers that; takes a moment to go over the past few months we’re she’s learned what she likes and doesn’t like.“No more scolding.It’s fine if you don’t agree with something I do, and you can totally express that just… don’t do it like my mom.I hate feeling like I disappointed you.”

“That’s fair…”Kara turns the pad back over to her and writes that down before looking back at Alex.“Screaming makes me nervous.”

“I won’t speak above a whisper.”Kara rolls her eyes, but she’s got the soft thing going on, so Alex still feels pretty good.“I like studying together… and cooking together… and actually just _doing_ things together.”

Kara giggles but writes it down.“To be honest I only kept the cooking thing up because you look so cute when you try to make something good.”

“You said I was getting better!”

“You _are_ … mostly.”

Alex scowls and Kara laughs and its perfect.Completely wonderfully perfect.So of course, Alex needs to ruin it.

“I want kids.”Alex blurts, pauses and tries again.“Not now but I… one day… I would like to be a mom.I know that’s not something—”

“Kids.”Kara confirms with a swirl of her pen.“Got it.”

“Wait.”

Kara looks up in confusion, mouth squished to the side in that adorable way that makes Alex melt.“What?”

“I just… you… don’t have a problem with that?”

“Why would I?I like kids.”

“Oh.”Alex thinks of her friends who are all very anti-children.So much so that they’d tried a blood pact when they were in their undergrad programs and drunk.Lucy and Maggie had gone through with it but, when it was Alex’s turn, she’d broken down in tears and confessed her most guarded wish.They’d been super apologetic and Maggie still walks on eggshells around the subject.

Alex had never met _anyone_ who was so blasé about _wanting_ to have children.

“I want to be your partner.In everything that matters.If you have a problem, then I want you to tell me and I want you to _trust_ me to be able to handle it.”

“That… might take some work.”

Kara nods slowly before beaming and writing it down anyway.“We’ve got time.5 years _at least._ Even _you_ can learn something in 5 years.”

“Hey!I’m a prodigy!”

She gets whacked in the face with a pillow for that one.

After a few more clarifications on what they want out of this relationship, what they want to avoid, they decide making out is more fun.

Alex hadn’t realized how deprived she was of physical affection until Kara started kissing her again.She knew eventually the desperation for her touch would taper off but right now…

She has no idea how she survived without it for so long.

“For the record,” Alex murmurs when they come up for air, nose brushing a line down Kara’s cheek.“I think you do a better job than you give yourself credit for.”

“Hmmm, better than your parents?”The question takes her so off guard that she lurches backward, heat filling her cheeks.Kara’s face isn’t teasing though, it’s stern and she’s doing the eye contact thing…“Sorry but this is a night for honesty, and I need you to know you shouldn’t use them as a point of comparison.”

Serious it is then.

“My parents are… complicated.I know that they care; especially my dad but… the older I got the less he was able to reign in my mom.Her reputation is very important to her.”

“So’s her money.”

Alex snorts.“Yeah… she tries it’s just… we don’t understand each other.I… I didn’t want that with my partner… with _you_.And I spoke to Maggie and Lucy and… I’m learning to understand you.I think maybe you’re starting to understand me to?”

She reaches out her hand and Kara laces their fingers together, pressing a kiss to the back and hugging them to her chest.

“Yeah.Yes.”

“Then I think you’re already miles ahead of my parents on that fact alone.”

The laugh she receives in turn is another win in her book and she smiles wide.Even if Kara is still unable to say everything she feels, this is a really good start.

~*~

** DAY  ** 274

Alex wakes up happy despite the throbbing in her hand.

Which is rare.

At least for her.

Normally she’s either still tired or still angry about whatever had driven her to sleep the day before.J’onn has given her the next few days off –2 weeks actually but there’s no way Alex will be able to stay away from work that long—and so the fact that she doesn’t have to unravel herself from her blanket burrito is nice.

But the hand proves that last night was real.That she and Kara had finally _talked_.

It could also be that Kara is already awake and playing in her hair.

That could be it.

Maybe.

Definitely.

“You hog the blankets.”Kara whispers.“It’s annoying.”

Alex snorts and burrows deeper.“I’ll buy a bigger one.”

“Not just two separate ones?One for me and one for you?”

“No,” Alex opens the front of her blanket quickly and scoots over without opening her eyes to wrap herself around Kara.“Then I couldn’t cuddle you.”

“You’re adorable.”Kara laughs, pecking Alex’s forehead.“And very smart.”

“And a better compliment giver than you.”

“Please.All you ever tell me is that I’m beautiful.That’s it.”

_That_ wakes Alex up.She props herself on her elbow and glares down at Kara, pushing errant strands of hair from her face.

“Um, excuse me ma’am but I tell you how amazing you are _all the time._ ”

Kara shakes her head but leans over to kiss Alex’s hand by her head, her own fingers trailing along Alex’s wrist and forearm.

“You’re very sweet but not with your words.”

“But I—”

“You only ever compliment my looks but that’s ok, really.”Kara shrugs, “I mean at first I was a little peeved but then I started looking at what you _did._ The whole health insurance thing was just the beginning.You take such good care of me and you’ve learned how to do it so… effectively.”

Alex snorts again.“That sounds like the start to a bad ad.”

Kara hums and pecks her wrist.“I know about Leslie.”

“What _about_ Leslie?”Alex asks, squinting.Her eyes go wide.No!“Please tell me she’s not coming back!I just bought a new bag of truffles.”

“Dark chocolate truffles.”Kara accuses, poking Alex in the ribs and making her collapse quite dramatically on top of her.“You should buy things we can share!”

“You hate when I buy things!”

“I also don’t like when you keep things from me, but you seem to have no problem doing that.”

Alex pops her head up incredulously.“What’d I do?”

“You got Leslie a job.”

“I—” She pauses, uncertain, “and I’m in trouble for that?Cause I don’t like her either, but it’d be pretty harsh to—” Kara pokes her side again and Alex flinches.“So violent.”

“You’re in ‘trouble’ because you didn’t _tell_ me that you got her a job.I only know because I went to Carter’s surgery and saw her in the hall.”That Kara kind of sounds like she’s whining now makes Alex relax.Whining people weren’t really _angry_ people.

“In my defense you were being a jerk back then AND I thought _Leslie_ would have told you since you two are _friends._ I didn’t want to ruin a surprise or something.You know, new job, new life.Party, party.”Kara gives her a blank stare.“I didn’t even get her the job I just helped her fill out the application and gave it to the HR department.…and maybe also made her take those clothes of mine that she was ‘just airing out’.She did the rest.”

“Oh yeah, nothing to do with you at all.”

Alex groans and slumps down again, digging her nose into Kara’s chest and wrapping her in a hug.“I’m sorry ok?I’ll tell you the next time I do something nice.I just… I could see how much she meant to you and the longer she was on the streets the more time you’d be going to try to help her so if you think about it, it was totally selfish on my part anyway.”

“Don’t do that.”Kara says softly, one arm banding around Alex’s lower back to pull her closer while the other went to cradle the back of her head.“You have this terrible habit of downplaying everything good about yourself.You don’t have to do that with me.I don’t _want_ you to do that with me…I’m not going to tell you you’re not good enough Alex.That will never be true.”

Alex could make a joke like normal; break the tension… she doesn’t.She allows Kara to hold her tighter and gives herself permission to relax… to believe.

It’s… nice.

And maybe… since Kara doesn’t want her to hide things…

“Cat and I…”Alex clears her throat and starts again, tries.“I spoke to Cat a lot during Carter’s stay at the hospital and we became… close, I guess?We talked about you a lot, obviously but… I also talked to her how we have difficult cases because of… homeless patients.”Kara remains silent and, to her credit, remains soft under Alex, fingers continuing to card through her hair.She stays calm so Alex continues, her confidence increasing.“It was before I knew who she was, but she’d make hints about having money and I thought it’d be really cool—that is, maybe it would be helpful if we bought a building?”

“A building?” Kara asks, when Alex doesn’t continue.“That’s a little out there.”

“Not really,” Alex says, drawing out the word ‘love’ with her fingers over Kara’s heart.“I mean you clearly have more experience in this than me but… did you know that in just California alone there’s more than fifty thousand students who are homeless?Students.Not just… like out of work people but students.”

Kara hums. “Seems high.”

“I know right?”Alex clenches her fist and Kara makes another noncommittal sound.“I know that you _lived_ this but it just… when I became _interested_ in you, I looked up all this information on homelessness in America and stats and programs and it just… pissed me off.That’s how it came up with Cat.We generally were just venting to each other and so I thought, you know starting at home, that maybe we could help students with our first building.Turn it into free single room dorms?After that we thought that maybe… Maybe it’d be smart to buy a second building and open that up to everyone; first years free with education and a career center and then charge just enough rent to break even?It’s not like either of us need the profits and…”Kara is still silent, and Alex can no longer contain her nerves.She’s mumbling apologies before she even makes it to her knees, raising herself up and off of Kara as she tries to give the woman space.

Kara follows after her, reaching out with her hand to grab Alex’s head and drag her into a hard kiss.

Which is gross…

Kara has bad morning breath.

But also… Kara’s _crying._

“Alex I—” Kara shakes her head, breath a little shallow and making Alex concerned for her asthma.She reaches a hand up and gently rubs Kara’s chest, murmuring softly to soothe her.“Fuck.I can’t… I—you have to know that I careabout you _so much._ I can’t even describe… Alex, you mean _everything.”_

So… good idea.

Alex hadn’t just fucked everything up by overstepping.

Ok.

Good.

“I was thinking maybe you might want to help?”She gives Kara a sheepish grin, finding her chin, of all things, to be oddly fascinating.“Ever since I started thinking about ways to make a difference, I thought about you helping but I didn’t want to…”

Kara hugs her and Alex realizes with a blush, that she is basically straddling her lap now.Which does all sorts of weird things to her belly.

“I’d love to help.”

“Good.”Kara laughs and kisses her again so Alex decides being brave one more time won’t kill her.“Kara… would you like to go on a stupid date with me?”

There’s a long sigh and the brush of Kara’s nose along her collarbone before a soft lingering kiss is pressed to her shoulder.“I would love to go on a stupid date with you Alex.”

“Hey,” Alex leans down, bumps their noses together and tries the eyes contact thing.“I love you too.”She needs one more joke, just enough for Kara to stop looking at her like she wants to break down.“I knew I loved you when you wiped snot off of my face.That was disgusting.”

Kara laughs and pushes Alex shoulder before burrowing back in to her neck.

“There’s this thing you do,” Kara whispers shyly, “when you lose everything you’ve ever known and loved.You stop saving things; you stop trying to hold onto memories because everything turns to dust eventually.That means no journals or trip planning or RSVPs or photos.You just live in the moment and hope for the best.”She pulls back just enough so she can look at Alex and there’s so much _something_ on her face that it makes Alex’s chest fill.“You make me want to fill my canvas’ and photos with our life together.I want to remember every moment with you.”

And maybe it’s not as clean as her father would have picked for her or as prestigious as her mother wanted, but this is something that Alex found all on her own.Something she built from the ground up that she is completely and surprisingly happy with.

Because, for all that Kara can’t say the words, now that Alex looks back at their relationship, she realizes Kara’s been _showing_ her how she’s felt from the very beginning.Alex knows that she will always wait up for her; fight for her; stand up for her; stand up _to_ her; support her; guide her; care for her; help her… _love her…_

“I’ll be here for you.”Alex promises, holding onto her wife as tightly as she can.“Always.”

Kara shudders and drops her forehead to Alex’s temple, but doesn’t respond.

That’s ok.

She’ll be able to say the words some day and even if she doesn’t…

The ways she shows it is more than enough for Alex.

 

~*~

**DAY** 276

A ringing phone splits through the still air, waking Alex who grumbles and turns over.The device stops and starts up again.

This time when Alex tries to escape, Kara pinches her.“If you don’t shut that thing up I _will_ kill you.”

Alex grumbles, swats blindly at her nightstand and grabs her phone.

“Hello?”

“Oh good.I thought you’d died of blood loss.”

“Ms. Grant?”

“I have a proposition.”

Alex peels her eyes open, nearly crying when she sees the time.“It’s six am.It’s six am on my day off.”

“Bright minds rise early Dr. Danvers.Is your wife available?”

“Kara?”Alex squints at the woman sleeping beside her.

“Do you have more than one?That’s very distasteful.”

Rolling her eyes, Alex rolls over and shoves the phone in Kara’s face.“It’s for you.”

“Go away!”

“Mrs. Danvers?”

Kara shoots up, fumbling with the phone as she fights to regain her cool.“Ms. Grant.Hi.Hello.” Alex snickers and hugs her pillow.Kara whacks her shoulder.“I’m so sorry, Alex didn’t tell me it was you.”

Whatever Cat said was lost on Alex, but she does release her pillow in favor of laying across Kara’s lap and wrapping her arms around her waist.Kara’s petting her hair in no time.

And then Kara’s tensing.

And Kara’s shaking.

Alex looks up and her wife’s mouth is hanging open, the hand that had been in Alex’s hair hovering in front of her mouth.

“You want… you’re offering…”

Cat must answer because then Kara is nodding and sniffling.

Her wife cries easy, even at the happy stuff so Alex isn’t sure if this is good or bad…

A few more minutes and the call has ended.

“Cat offered to be my mentor.She said that she has a few connections in the Art industry and that she would like to pass along my name.Help me get my start.”

Alex raises her eyebrows.“That’s awfully nice of her.”She drops back into Kara’s lap.“Can we go to sleep now?”

“Do you realize how big this is?”Kara asks, poking Alex in the shoulder.“Cat Grant is the most influential person in media.She said once I’ve been vetted she would like to use some of my pieces in the CatCo _magazine_.Can you see how huge that is?”

“Very.But you would have made it with or without Cat Grant.I’m grateful but not starstruck.”She kisses Kara’s belly.“I’m very happy for you though.”

“Alex?”Alex grunts.“Can we celebrate?You’re always offering to take me on your bike and I just… I want to celebrate.With you.”

Alex grunts again, sighs and kisses her sleep goodbye.She’s on her knees and kissing Kara in her next breath.

“I am very proud of you.”Releasing the blonde, she rolls off the bed and grabs her leather jacket. She tosses it at Kara who catches it against her chest. “Put that on and get dressed Mrs. Danvers.We’re going for a ride.”

Kara’s smile is blinding.

~*~

 

**Day** 289

 

She and Kara have a fight nearly 2 weeks after.

There was an… _incident_ at Kara’s job.The restaurant where she bussed tables had a patron who claimed Kara had solicited her husband.An obvious lie but one the manager had been forced to respond to.Kara was fired and had immediately started job hunting, borrowing Alex’s laptop to look at job boards.

The blonde had worked herself into a panic when Alex had made a tiny comment on her resume and its lack of detail… flair so to speak. She’d just started coaching Kara on changing ‘answered phones’ to ‘responded to client concerns’ when Kara broke. There was talk of being a failure and not being able to afford her supplies for the last stretch of her college career.

Alex had apparently said the wrong thing when she’d told her they didn’t need the extra income and that she could provide for any additional expenses.

“I just feel like... like I've already taken so much from you and—"

“I don't care.You haven’t and I don’t _care_.”Alex insisted, wiping tears from a hysterical Kara’s face.She supposes it doesn’t help that Kara is starting her last semester and has been contacted by multiple art galleries for possible showings.Having her career derailed at this point has to be putting a lot of stress on her.“Hey, listen to me, that doesn't matter to me.It's not a contest—"

“It doesn't have to be!If I’m a burden—"

“You’re not!Kara you take care of me too.When I was sick and when my parents were being assholes, you stood up for me.”

Kara snorts, blue eyes rimmed red as she wipes an arm under her nose.“After everything you’ve given me, it was the least I could do.”

“Not to me it wasn't.It was everything.It _meant_ everything.Not everything is quantifiable.”

When Kara looks back at her she looks heartbroken; like she’s scared and devastated all at once.It takes all of Alex’s willpower not to wrap her in a hug.To remember that Kara likes to see the person she’s talking too.It doesn’t stop her from wrapping her hands around one of Kara’s and bringing the knuckles to her lips for a kiss.

It seems to help at least a little.

“I won't be able to shower you in presents or... or show up whenever you need me.”Kara sniffles.“I felt like such a jerk when I was worried I wouldn’t be able to post your bail.”

Alex kisses her knuckles again.“Stop.All of that?Those are my things.I like to give, not much of a receiver and besides, it. Does. Not. Matter. To. Me.”

“I want to be good for you.”Kara drops her head forward, finally relinquishing the debate and Alex takes it as her cue to wrap her in a hug.She kisses her hairline, running her hands up and down Kara’s back.

“You're already perfect.You don’t have to be anything but what you are.”

 

~*~

**DAY** 301

 

Alex regrets opening her mouth.Regrets telling Kara that she’s never had a serious relationship before her.At the time she’d thought it would make Kara feel more secure.

It had.

But now Alex was learning that it made her feel _insecure._

“Wait does that mean you're a virgin?”

“So?!”Alex stabs her fries in ketchup, glaring at Kara over the small restaurant table.“There are lots of virgins in the world Kara.”

"Oh my god!”

Her face feels very hot.Why was this such a big deal?Having had sex or not shouldn’t determine… compatibility.

“Shut up!”

“You're almost thirty!”

“So!It's not my fault people suck and the only attractive ones are fictional.”

Kara smirks.“Except me.”

Alex rolls her eyes.“Yes.Obviously.”

“I just…”Kara still looks so genuinely shocked that Alex herself wonders if she’d maybe forgotten about a sexual misadventure.“You’re so… you’re gorgeous and kind and smart.Great job.You are quite literally ‘ _the_ _dream’…_ I don’t understand.”

And they’re back to awkward.

She slumps further down in her seat, fries stuffed in her mouth as she chews petulantly.There’s no way she’s anything close to what Kara claims she is but she’s not going to tell _her_ that.

“Shut up.”

The look Kara gives her is one of pure adoration.Alex can recognize those now and they never cease to make her feel like a million bucks.

“Just...please don't watch porn as your basis of what to do... or go anywhere near Spencer’s.”

 

~*~

**DAY** 309

Alex is beginning to understand that not everything is fair in love and marriage.

That there is indeed a thin line between love and hate.

The scowl she is wearing is impressive and, though she studiously tries to keep her face directed away from Kara, she can still _feel_ the pout directed at her.

But Alex is an adult woman.

She’s a surgeon who has seen all manner of horrible things: gunshot wounds, roof falls, car accidents!

Alex Danvers will not be broken by a _pout_!

“Alex,” Kara whimpers from behind her, and Alex has to force the image of those big blue eyes out her head, “can I pretty please drive your motorcycle?”

No.

Absolutely not.

It wasn’t safe.

Or legal.

No.

Kara rests a hand on her leg and Alex jerks and then she’s _looking_ and—

“Are you _kidding_ me with that face?”She groans, Kara’s only response being to pout harder.“Ugh, come here!”Alex kisses her, dousing Kara in affections until the pout starts to disappear.“ _Fine._ ”

Kara squeal and pumps her fist, jumping up from the couch to grab Alex’s keys.

She looks absolutely ridiculous in Alex’s leather jacket and a pair of faux leather pants.The combat boots, Alex has no idea where they came from, but she does know that Kara has apparently got it in her head that this is proper motorcycle attire.

“Hold on there Joan Jett,” Alex grabs the blonde by back of her jacket and tugs her into their room.“One, you will be wearing a helmet.No negotiations.And two, you are changing out of those clothes.Maybe not the boots or the jacket but definitely those pants.They offer absolutely zero protection.”

The pout returns.

“But this is what all the biker girls in movies wear.”

Alex struggles to keep her eye roll in check.She chooses to kiss Kara instead and forgive her this minor infraction.

~*~

 

**DAY** 313

Kara’s lips are unbelievably soft on hers and the way the blonde is squirming in her lap is setting off fire alarms in Alex’s head.It’s a Wednesday night, by all rights they should be on their way to bed or watching some cheesy sitcom like all the other married couples do.

Making out like teenagers in the living room while the evening news plays on in the background?That’s Alex’s new aesthetic.

There’s a tingling pull below her navel that she’s never really felt before Kara and is becoming better acquainted with.Arousal is addictive Alex has discovered; even in her situation where she and Kara haven’t made it passed, what some would generously call, second base.

Still, Alex is having so much fun on first that she’s actually kind of intimidated by third.If first base is like this— is Kara panting hotly into her mouth, arching into her and pressing her hips down into Alex—she really doesn’t know if she can even _handle_ third.

Which as a wife isn’t great since she’s honor bond to serve all of Kara’s needs.Sex being one of those needs.Kara’s fingers find naked skin as her hands push up under Alex’s shirt causing Alex to shiver.

God, how had she survived this long without this feeling?

“Alex.”Kara whimpers, prompting the doctor to drive her own fingers into Kara’s hair and pull her head to the side.Alex latches onto her neck, her other hand curving around Kara’s back and forcing her that much closer.

God this felt—

A shrill ringing sound interrupts them and Alex growls low in Kara’s ear.“Don’t answer that.”

It’s a dirty trick since she _knows_ what her voice does to Kara when she’s in this state, but she really, really doesn’t want Kara to get distracted right now.

Really wants to chase this feeling as far as it will take them.

Kara whimpers and Alex feels her own hips twitch in response. _Fuck_.

The phone stops ringing, Alex’s own phone, she realizes belatedly when she pulls Kara’s earlobe into her mouth.Kara liked to pick weird pop songs as her ringtones.Alex likes something that sounds like a phone.

Speaking of…

Kara groans and pushes half-heartedly at Alex’s shoulders as the phone starts up again.Alex ignores her and begins mouthing at her collarbones and chest.

“It could be the hospital.”Kara tries.

“They’d use my emergency line.”Alex nips at the area above Kara’s breast and wonders if she has the actual courage to try for more.“Different ringtone.”

That seems to appease Kara at least somewhat because then she’s pulling Alex’s head up so she can kiss her again.It feels divine.

It had been amazing getting to know each other in this way.Alex had learned, after a few weeks of solid physical connection, that she wasn’t really partial to tongue kissing.She didn’t mind it, but it was nowhere near what the books had made it sound like and did nothing for her so to speak.

Embarrassingly enough, Kara was the one who had pointed it out to her when she’d asked Alex why she was forcing herself to kiss her.Kara had thought it was kissing in general but, after coaxing Alex to talk about what she was feeling, had worked out that Alex’s thing was not for the French hearted.

She’d thought she was a failure when she’d realized and had kind of been working herself up to just deal with it, when Kara had simply stopped kissing her with tongue.Like it was simple.

Kara had smiled at her when she’d asked about it; in that way that meant she thought Alex was being adorable and that she was also considering murdering her parents.Then Kara had told Alex that she didn’t like to be on top during sex.She’d said she was fine with everything building up to it but that being on top made her feel exposed and weird.

“We all have things we don’t like Alex.I’m not here to judge you or ‘fix’ you.”She’d shrugged carelessly.“You don’t like tongue kissing, that’s not a deal breaker for me.Is the top thing a deal breaker for you?”

Of course Alex had said that it wasn’t… and then promptly learned what Kara meant about deal breakers.Thinking of _never_ seeing Kara in that position was kind of a letdown but she’d happily endure what was sure to be a phenomenal sex life with Kara in spite of that.

She also learns that what Kara _does_ like is more than enough to distract her.The word ‘bottom’ is added to Alex’s vocabulary and she finds, despite her inexperience, that she thoroughly enjoys ‘topping’.

A groan tears from her throat when Kara presses into her just right and it pulls her from her thoughts in time to hear:

“ _I know way too many people here right now that I didn’t know last year.Who the fuck are y’all?”_

She pauses, panting against Kara’s cheek and pulling back just enough to question, “Drake?”

Kara huffs and reaches to her side despite Alex’s protests to grab her phone.“It’s for unsaved numbers.”

It’s buried under mounds of pillows and, by the time she reaches it, they’ve already missed the call.

Alex takes that as her cue to flip Kara onto her back and blow a raspberry on her belly.

“Are you done answering your people my liege?May I continue?”

Normally the raspberry would have garnered at least a giggle but instead, when Alex raises her head to look, Kara’s sole focus is her phone.

“Hey,” Alex prompts, poking Kara in the ribs and finally bringing those blue eyes to her.“What’s—”

“Your dad called.”Kara says, sitting up and showing Alex the slew of random numbers.

“How do you—”

“I memorize numbers.I had my phone stolen a lot and so I memorize the important ones.”Kara presses the redial button before Alex can say anything else.Which is just as well because she’s not quite sure how to respond to Kara’s blasé claims of robbery and to her calling her _dad_ —the same guy who had tried to buy her off— “important”.

It was too bizarre.

Besides that, was the fact that Alex hadn’t spoken to either of her parents since the CatCo dinner fiasco.They’d ignored her and so she’d ignored them.It was extremely mature and healthy and Alex shut Kara down every time she tried to bring it up.

“Dr. Danvers?”Kara’s voice is nervous and she thumbs over the speakerphone button so Alex can hear as well.“Hello?”

“Kara?”Alex snatches the phone, already on her feet at the sound of tears in her dad’s voice.“I’m really sorry to bother you but is Alex—”

“I’m here.Dad what’s wrong?”

“It’s your mother.Alex—” Jeremiah breaks down and Alex feels her heart lodge in her throat.

The next thing she knows she has a bag in her arms and Kara is leading her down the stairs.There’s an uber waiting when they reach the lobby and then Alex is in an airport.

Kara is talking with someone… one of the flight people… she seems frustrated.

Finally, (how much time had passed? It seems like a second. Like hours.) the blonde turns back to her, cupping her cheeks and speaking slowly like she thinks Alex won’t hear her or understand.

“The flight is at capacity.There’s one first class ticket that we can get and then I can follow you on the bus or something ok?”

Right.Eliza and Jeremiah didn’t live in National City.They lived in Canada.Vancouver.“Ok.”

Kara looks worried but turns back to lady and talks some more.Alex feels her reach into her pocket but for some reason can’t get her mind off of Canada.

Of going back to Canada.God, she’d gotten married to a complete stranger in order to stay her return to the country and now her own mother was forcing her back.Not that she’s surprised.She shouldn’t be surprised.

Eliza liked to have things her own way.

Fuck what Alex wanted.

Alex didn’t want this.

She didn’t want to go.

This was wrong.Eliza was—

Eliza was an _asshole._ She didn’t get to jerk Alex around and then just—

And why hadn’t she answered her phone?

Was kissing Kara really more important than her mother’s life?And Kara—

Kara was always going on and on about being respectful and yet she just let Alex ignore—

Kara hated her parents; why would she care what happened to them?

“Here.”Kara places a boarding pass in her hand and tugs her towards security.“Your backpack is small enough to be a carry on so just stow it in the overhead bin ok?”They get on line and Kara starts working at Alex’s belt, removing it and looping it around her hand before kneeling at her feet to start on her laces.“Your flight leaves in forty minutes and I already pre-ordered your Uber.”

“And if the plane taxis for ten hours then I suppose I’ll just pay the exorbitant Uber fees, hm?”

The look on Kara’s face as she slowly rises, shoes and belt in hand, only serves to make Alex angrier.Kara looks like she is trying to navigate a wild animal.

“I can cancel the Uber and call one of the driving services.”She grabs a bin and stows Alex’s belongings in there as they move along in the line.“They’re obviously more expensive but—”

“I’m not fucking poor Kara!”

“Ok.”Kara says softly, in sharp contrast to the hissed venom Alex had just released.“Then can you call me when—”

“ _God_!No, I can’t call you!This isn’t about you!”

Kara inhales slowly.“Your watch Alex and your—"

Alex rips it off and throws it in the container, followed closely by her wedding ring.The small piece of metal bounces precariously and fear flashes across Kara’s face.

Good.

“This is what you wanted isn’t it?My mom and—”

“Don’t.”Kara warns, voice dangerously low.“Don’t put that on me.I would _never_ wish that on anyone Alex.”

They reach security and Alex is even more upset then when she first started to come out of her trance.The tiny spark of anger Kara had shown has quickly been replaced by worry and it only serves to make Alex lash out.Kara doesn’t _need_ to be worried.This isn’t her family that’s being affected.This has nothing to do with her at all.

Why should she care?

This was Alex’s problem and Alex would deal with it.She didn’t need any help.

“Don’t bother following me.I don’t want to see you.”

It’s not until she’s on her three-hour flight, staring mindlessly out the plane window into the inky abyss, that she realizes she’s an idiot.

Logically she understands that she was angry but the reasons she was angry are not all valid.Particularly when it comes to Kara.

She’d wanted to get a rise out of Kara; wanted her to be hurting as much as Alex was.And, when that hadn’t worked, had wanted to punish her for _not_ getting angry.

She’d been pissed because Kara didn’t have anyone to hurt over anymore.

She’d conveniently forgotten that Kara had lost _way more_ than Alex and was much younger when she had.

It wasn’t fair.

She curls up in the roomy seat that Kara had found for her last minute and fights tears.She wants to call her, has pulled her number up and is ready to hit send when she sees a sign at the end of the walkway with her name on it.A man, clearly dressed as a chauffeur, holds said sign and glances at her and then his phone before waving her over to a sleek black SUV.

There’s only a second of hesitation where Alex worries about kidnapping.It’s quickly replaced by the knowledge that she deserves to be kidnapped.

She can’t call Kara after that.

~*~

**DAY** 314

By the time Alex gets to the hospital, it’s already Thursday morning.She’s given directions to Eliza’s room and sees Jeremiah as soon as she exits the elevator.

“Dad.”

Then they’re hugging and crying, and Alex gets the whole story.

Eliza is sick.

She’s been sick for a while, but her symptoms are getting worse and, after suffering a bad fall last night, the doctors are finally taking her case seriously.

“They kept saying it was stress.”Jeremiah husks, a coffee cup held between both of his hands as he stares blankly at the wall.“Eliza went along with it, but I could see she was getting scared.The blurred vision, pain, weakness… I think she thought it was cancer and was just trying to have a few more months of normalcy.”

“That’s stupid.”Alex says dully, mirroring his position.“The earlier you treat cancer the better your odds.”

Jeremiah just nods.

When Eliza wakes up, Jeremiah immediately goes into her room.Alex makes a detour to the nurse’s station and starts making some demands of her own.

Her history changing surgery earns her a few brownie points and by midafternoon she has a better picture of what’s going on.

The oncology consult that has just started ordering their own barrage of tests is highly insulted when Alex drags the head of neuro into the room.

At the first mention of vision problems she had asked for a CT and gotten one.The results are not promising but there are no tumors.Which Alex is hoping means there is no cancer.Maybe just a compressed nerve somewhere…

“You have multiple areas of inflammation around your optic nerves through to the temporal lobe.”Dr. Hunter drags on, citing studies and tests and blah blah blah.

Alex is a surgeon; she’s used to already having the facts when a case comes her way.She’s not used to this guessing game.

She wishes there were a faster road to diagnosis.This feels like it’s taking forever.

Unfortunately, she understands the steps needed here so she answers all of her parents’ questions as calmly as possible and asks questions of her own of the neurologist.

He smiles that stupid doctor smile that Alex swears will never grace her face again and nods at them.“We’ll order more tests.”

She wants Kara.

She needs to call her.Apologize.

Eliza complains of a headache and she puts it on hold.

She can’t call her yet.

~*~

**DAY** 318

 

They’ve been back at the Danvers’ house for almost two days now and everyone is _still_ tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.

They have a diagnosis.

It’s not even a terrible diagnosis; at least not in terms of world ending diagnosis’.There are way worse outcomes.

Way better outcomes…

With treatment…

Eliza will live.Isn’t it better that she lives?

The thought that maybe her mom is thinking differently than her only serves to make her angrier.At her mom.

Herself.

Is she being selfish?

She tries not to stomp too petulantly as she brings a tray of tea to the porch outside.Eliza has taken to sitting on the old swing Jeremiah had hung for her in their earlier years of marriage.Her mother at least, is immune to the colds of Canada.

She sets up the tea quietly, hands her mother a cup and a muffin and takes her own seat.It’s not asking too much, she thinks, that she braves the cold for a moment with her mom.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”Eliza eventually says.Not that Alex has expected her to say anything.They’ve been living in a weird nonverbal limbo for so long.“For what happened at CatCo and even…I wasn’t kind to your wife and that was unfair of me.”

“Is that an apology or a guilty plea?”

Eliza sends her a wry smile.“I know you may find this hard to believe but you get your sarcasm from me.When it first showed up, I was charmed, and then as you got older, I started apologizing to my own mother.”

Alex snorts into her cup, grabbing a napkin to wipe her face.She glances up at Eliza and then back down into her tea, tapping her fingers on the fine porcelain.

“I um… I had actually wondered.Dad’s too much of a softy you know?”

“I do.”Eliza agrees, she leans back into the pillows her husband and daughter have set up for her, already looking battle weary before she has even shown up to battle.“You get the good stuff from him; the way you care… that’s all Jeremiah.”

“Mom… stop.”

Alex is tired too.She’s barely slept since she got the phone call and is living off of fumes.Still, Jeremiah is clearly terrified and hovering and useless and Eliza is…

Alex needs to step up.

“I was too hard on you.” Eliza insists with pursed lips, the lines around her eyes more pronounced as she looks off into the distance.It’s like something out of some shitty movie and Alex would like nothing more than to hit STOP on the whole thing.She also secretly wants to see how it ends.“When we fought at the CatCo dinner I was so sure I was right… I just wanted to protect you.That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Alex shakes her head in exasperation, ignoring the well of emotion threatening to spill out.“You’re not dying.Stop talking like your dying.”

“I didn’t know then that you were in love with her; that you’d keep your promise and stay away this time.You never really showed an interest in anyone so I thought… I wanted to protect you.”

“Mom you’re not—”

“But I thought I _was.”_ Eliza’s frown deepens and she turns her attention to the trees in the distance.Alex herself is blinking back tears.“Before, when I first started to feel symptoms and those doctors told me it was in my head… I thought I was running out of time.That’s why I pushed so hard with Kara.That’s why I—I wanted to protect you… Because if she had blackmailed you or if you had gone and done some fool Jeremiah Danvers things that you didn’t know how to get yourself out of?I didn’t have time to play nice.I wanted to protect you while I had the chance because if I was gone—If I was gone, who was going to look after you?I love your father honey but… the man doesn’t even remember where he puts his _keys_ in the morning.”

Alex laughs and presses her knuckles hard against her eyes.She takes several deep breaths before attempting a reply, feeling like her world is slowly caving in on her.

Luckily, in the time she’s spent falling in love with Kara—learning about Kara… she’s learned a few things about herself too.

“Would you ask that question if it was dad who was sick?Would you be asking who’s going to take care of Eliza?”

Her mom’s head snaps to her and she blinks startled eyes at Alex’s line of questioning.“I don’t…”

“I,” Alex starts strongly, firmly, “am my _mother’s_ daughter.And she taught me how to take care of myself.You don’t have to worry about me mom.You don’t have to worry.”

Eliza’s lip wobbles, and she gently pats Alex’s arm.

“That’s sweet of you to say dear but we all know that you’re your father’s daughter through and through.”Alex rolls her eyes and wipes her arm across her face, sniffling.“After seeing the way Kara stood up for you though… she’s a good egg…Do you really love her?”

There are so many things she can say to that.Kara is… _annoying_ at times… frustrating; stubborn; psychotic; adorable; generous; patient; cheeky…

Lovely.

“Unfortunately yes.She’s…”Alex shakes her head, unable to explain Kara in a way her mom will understand.

Eliza nods sagely, “that’s how I was with your father at first.He was complicated in all the best ways.He made everything I did feel better.”

Alex snorts and runs her hands down her face before dragging them through her hair.“Too bad I already messed that up.”

When Eliza tilts her head in confusion, Alex shakes hers.They may be talking now, but that doesn’t mean Alex wants to trust Eliza with her pain just yet.

“Honey, anyone who can stand up to _both_ of your parents when they are so very clearly wrong… that’s someone worth fighting _for,_ not with.If you messed up, try again.”Eliza turns thoughtful, staring down into her cup with a glower marring her features.“I love your father, but I didn’t love him very well.Don’t let that be a regret you have when you’re my age.”

Alex hums her non-response and they fall into a comfortable silence.When the sun starts to set, Alex helps her mother up and into the house.

“Your father and I are going on a trip.”Jeremiah is already setting the table for their dinner and gives Alex a stiff smile when she looks at him.She was wondering where he had gotten to and now to hear he was probably planning some ill-advised trip?He should look guilty!“Before you get all grouchy, I will begin treatments with Dr. Hunter as advised but then we’re going to Europe.”

Jeremiah clears his throat and spoons out the spaghetti.“They’re doing amazing things with Multiple Sclerosis in France.I have a colleague there who has agreed to look at your mother’s case.”

Alex nods grudgingly.At least that she can understand.

“It’s also so that you don’t try to do some fool hearted Jeremiah Danvers stunt like leave everything you’ve worked so hard for behind so you can waste away up here.”Eliza asserts, sinking into a chair with a loud sigh, the lines on her face smoothing out and making her appear years younger.“If we’re being honest dear, you’d freeze before I lost mobility.Better for you to make up with Kara.”

Alex considers it all the way up until she’s in her childhood bed, phone glaring down at her mockingly with Kara’s picture on her screen.

She turns it off.

~*~

 

**DAY** 319 ****

Alex awakes with an ache bone deep, her body curled tightly around a pillow.It had been impossible those first few nights, sleeping without Kara.Last night had been the first time she’d actually gone to sleep and now… it just hurts.

She labors through her morning routine, picking up the dirty dishes outside her parents’ bedroom from what is assuredly their breakfast.

Eliza’s been put on a strict medication regiment and it’s easier for her to start early.Alex has never been an early riser and Jeremiah assures her she shouldn’t start now.Instead she helps out by cleaning where she can and, to the distaste of both her parents, trying her hand at cooking.They actually liked the pigs in blankets she’d made a few nights ago but were less enthused about it being the sole menu item for dinner.

She _is_ looking forward to the laundry, but the stack of dishes from breakfast and dinner the night before… not to mention the bathrooms…

A shudder actually goes through her at the thought.

And then she’s freezing in the doorway to the kitchen, the sound of clinking glassware alerting her to the fact that this was not a dream.

When Kara finally turns around, she looks just as shocked to see Alex as Alex is to see her.The trademark guilty look comes over her face, complete with bitten bottom lip and nervously wringing hands.She’s dressed in a long heavy cardigan and jeans, the simple logo of her college stamped proudly on the t-shirt she’s wearing.Alex is sure there’d been shoes at some point but at the moment all Kara seems to be wearing is fluffy socks.

And she’s breathtaking.

“Hey,” Kara starts, clears her throat, tries again.“I um… Your dad said that you had a list,” Kara waves said list, a thin piece of paper, in her hands like a white flag.“Um I aired out the living room, cleaned up in there and the bathrooms are done...I cleaned out the fridge and I know how much you hate doing dishes so I—”

Alex wraps around her like a vice, sobbing and apologizing all at once.She knows she’s probably incoherent, but she can’t calm down.It’s like a literal bomb has gone off in her head and there’s nothing left but destruction.

Kara kisses her temple, her hair, anywhere she can reach as she rocks Alex in her arms.

“It’s ok.”She murmurs gently.“I’m sorry it took me so long…”

“It took you forever!” Alex complains, voice choked as she presses herself harder into Kara’s arms.“I didn’t mean it!I swear I didn’t mean it!I’m _so_ sorry Kara! _Please_!”

To her credit, Kara holds her back just as fiercely, speaking in soft hushes as she rocks them.“I know.I know you didn’t mean it.It’s ok Alex.We’re ok.”Kara’s lips find her temple and her cheekbone in quick order.“I couldn’t afford a same day train ticket and… I’m sorry.I’m here Alex.I promise you, I’m here.”

~*~

Kara has apparently also gone grocery shopping in her spare time and, once they’ve pulled themselves together, she easily starts meal prepping for the next four days for the family.Alex watches her in between laundry breaks and then also while she folds clothes.

They both finish at around the same time, which is also, coincidentally, the time Alex’s dad comes down for Eliza’s next meal.

He and Kara smile at each other stiffly but Alex can see the gratefulness in his eyes.The concern in Kara’s.

Later, when Alex has led Kara up to her childhood bedroom and they’ve squeezed onto her full-sized mattress, she pours out everything she’d been feeling.

She’s stretched out on her back, Kara propped up on her forearm next to her.The blonde is half on top of Alex and half on the bed. Alex keeps pressing kisses to Kara’s arm while she soaks in the feeling of her hair being played with.There are a million apologies interspersed throughout because she doesn’t want to inherit her parents’ inability to say when they’re wrong.

She was wrong.

“I should never have—”

“Shhh,” Kara whispers sweetly, gently tracing the bones of Alex’s face with her index finger.“I know you now Alex.I’ve seen you look that way before when I got that black eye… I’ve seen you afraid.I know the difference.”Alex releases a shuddering breath, black spots encroaching on her vision as her chest tightens.Kara leans in and kisses her; gently capturing Alex’s bottom lip between her own.The pressure that had been building up is magically released and Alex can do little else but blink at her.“I’m not angry.I was hurt but I also understood.I lashed out when my parents… I _understand_.If you need to break things, you can break them.Just… try not to break _me_ , ok?”

“She has MS.”Alex whispers, staring at Kara’s mouth because if she looks in her eyes, she knows she’ll cry.And then Kara will comfort her, and Alex really doesn’t think she deserves that right now.She’d been hurtful when Kara had already experienced enough pain for the both of them.“Multiple Sclerosis.It’s degenerative but not necessarily deadly.And we have the money for the treatments so that’s one less thing to worry about… She could have had something worse.”

“Like a gliobomb?”

Alex snorts.“Glioblastoma.And yes.You smell really good.”

“I smell like I haven’t changed this shirt in about 2 days now.”

“Don’t wash it.Give it me.”

“Alex… just because you’re relieved doesn’t mean you can’t be angry.”

“ _I’m_ the doctor here.”

Kara doesn’t take the bait, flicks Alex’s nose.“And _I_ have some experience in this arena.I was a really shitty panhandler.Like really bad and people were mean and rude… nasty.But every time I got someone to stop and give me a dollar or two… The relief I felt…”Alex burrows closer, nose pressing into Kara’s t-shirt covered bicep.She thinks again of how good she smells… like _home.Alex’s home._ “I got used to people mistreating me because of what they saw, but it never made me ungrateful to the ones who helped.Even when those people were often one in the same.You’d be surprised how many people think $20 is enough to get your life back on track.It’s alright if you still think good things are unfair.”

For a long time, Alex can’t say anything.She always feels so tormented when Kara tells her a story from her days on the streets.She _hates_ thinking of Kara like that; alone and suffering.She wishes she’d found her sooner. _Helped_ her sooner.

Kara says everything happens in its own time, but Alex thinks that’s horseshit.She thinks that maybe she’s failed miserably in being a good friend to her wife and she vows to do better, but right now she can’t untangle the web of Kara’s childhood traumas.

Logically, she understands that that is not why Kara revealed what she had.Kara was trying to connect; to give Alex a sounding board so that she knew that _she_ wasn’t alone.

Community was big with Kara.

As was understanding.

She was starting to get really good at understanding Alex.

And Alex… Alex had _missed_ her.

So much.

“I couldn’t sleep without you.”She admits, voice muffled by cotton.“I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to call you but I… I couldn’t and I missed you so much but I was just so scared.If you said… if you wanted…”

Kara kisses her temple again, tangles their legs together and drops down on top of Alex such that she can feel her heartbeat on her belly.“I wouldn’t.You’re not going to say or do something that chases me away or makes me hate you.I already told you, I think you’re amazing; flaws and all.I knew about your temper before I got involved in all of this.I’d like to work on it; _talk_ rather than fight and figure out when to back off maybe but… it’s not a deal breaker.Not for me.”

Kara’s dragging her fingers through Alex’s hair now and it’s making her so sleepy.It’s barely 3 in the afternoon and she feels like there’s so much she has to do.Goes through her mental list and realizes Kara’s taken care of most of it already.

“What is?”Alex prompts sleepily, wanting to spend time with Kara but also wanting to sleep.Kara was always talking about deal breakers but never really said what they were.They’d talked about what they _did_ want, what annoyed them, but never really what would make them leave.Alex figured that was just as important as the rest of it.

There’s a brief lull and Alex worries she wasn’t very clear in her speech when Kara finally responds.

“Lying for sure… I’d prefer you just tell me you don’t want to talk about it or can’t talk about it to you lying to me.Trust is… really big for me.”

Alex nods.It makes sense that Kara has trust issues considering her being a runaway.Alex doesn’t imagine that you grow to be very trusting when you live on the streets.

“I know this may sound hypocritical coming from me but… running.I… won’t know _how_ to go after you if you leave.Or if I should.If you’d want that.I’m a complete mess when it comes to that stuff.”

“So, communication is your weak spot.”Alex hums her affirmative, shivers when Kara’s hand drops to her waist and finds exposed skin.“That’s… fairly easy for me.I can do that and… I promise to chase _you_ if you do run.If that’s what you need.”

A sob catches high in Alex’s throat and she nods, bringing one hand up to hide her ugly crying face.She hates feeling like this, like Kara has the power to break her.Her mom, she has recently realized, only has that power because Alex loves her so much.Idolizes her.

If Eliza dies… or even _hurts…_

Kara tips up on her arms and kisses Alex sweetly.“Stop.Stop thinking about everything that can go wrong; you’ll worry yourself sick.Let’s focus on what we can fix here and now ok?”

Alex nods again, sniffles and closes her eyes when Kara’s thumb swipes at her cheeks.

“I’m scared.”

The admission catches them both off guard and Alex blinks her eyes open to see Kara frozen above her.The blonde is looking at her like…

Alex isn’t sure what but it makes her feel a lot more than Kara’s ‘soft’ looks do.Kara brings their faces close together, nose running along Alex’s despite the wetness from her tears.

“I’m scared too.After my family… I didn’t want to ever let anyone have the ability to hurt me like that again… I realized, after meeting you, that I don’t really have much say in the matter.Not unless I want to be a hermit.”

“You’d make a really cute hermit.”

Kara giggles, her warm breath that smells kind of like peanut butter wafting in Alex’s face.“Yeah but then there’d be no one to nag you about your ridiculous spending.”Alex groans and rolls onto her side,one hand resting on Kara’s hip so that she doesn’t displace her, and grabs her phone from the nightstand.“What are you doing?”

A few taps and screen swipes later, Alex shoves her phone in Kara’s face.A face that goes from shocked to dumbfounded in less than a second.

“My parents are researchers so that’s where I started too.You might have noticed that I’m fairly young to be an attending surgeon… I skipped a few grades, did my PhD and sold the patents.Got published…My parents and my scholarships paid for my education, so I didn’t have to worry about that and then I inherited my trust fund that I haven’t really touched.”She pauses, head tilting as she considers that that is probably the lesser of her bank contributions now.“Plus, I get paid like _a lot…_ A lot, a lot.I spend it because I didn’t really know what to do with it.At least now with Cat I feel like it’ll do some _good.”_ She hesitates, taking her phone back and closing her banking app to distract herself.“Plus… I really like spoiling you.There’s like a microsecond before you start your lecture that you’re actually _pleased…_ I like making you look like that.I like being able to give you things.”

Kara huffs, finally coming out of her stupor even though she still looks kind of gob smacked.“You make me happy too, you know.As soon as you enter a room, I’m happy.I don’t need… _things._ ”

“Food helps though I’m sure.”

Kara laughs and nods, slumping onto Alex again and nuzzling into her chest.“Food does help.Especially pot stickers.”

“I wouldn’t know.You never let me have any.”

“You should be faster.”Kara whispers, kissing her collarbone and tracing patterns on exposed skin.

“I didn’t know I was married to a baby Tasmanian devil.”

She feels floaty, weightless… it’s a huge improvement from the soul sucking chest wound she’d felt previously and it’s all thanks to Kara.

“Last of my kind.”

Alex kisses her head, the movement sluggish and kind of sloppy due to her exhaustion.“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.Go to sleep; we’ll figure everything else out in a few hours.”

And normally Alex would have protested except… she’s already given in.

 

~*~

**DAY** 320

Eliza has her first visit with her lab in the morning.She and her friend, Pamela Isley had started their genetics lab from scratch by themselves and turned it into one of the leading places for research and development in the world.

It made sense then, that Eliza had wanted her family with her when she told Pam of her diagnosis and upcoming departure/hiatus.

Not that Alex minded, she was finding it difficult to be more than a few rooms away from Eliza these past few days.A few miles would have been asking for too much this soon after learning her mom had a debilitating disease.

Watching her mother struggle to walk was something she’d never wish on anyone but taking her eyes off of Eliza because of her own discomfort, set a worry gnawing through her chest.Because if she tripped or fell because Alex wasn’t vigilant enough, she’d never forgive herself.

So Alex had become a tad overprotective.

And Eliza was becoming more and more annoyed.

So much so that she had asked for _Kara’s_ assistance into the building rather than her daughter’s.Which was odd because Alex was sure the two of them didn’t even like each other.

Nevertheless, her wife had smiled kindly and offered Eliza her arm while the older woman tried to get used to walking with a cane.Knowing the magnitude of this day, Kara had decided to dress up in dark burgundy slacks and a dark blue button down that was doing _things_ to Alex’s libido.

No one should look that good in a button down.

_Alex_ didn’t look that good in a button down.

And she was pretty sure that Kara wasn’t even _trying_ to look that good in a button down.

It was unfair and every misstep Eliza made, made Alex flinch, Jeremiah pouting beside her at having his own offer of assistance denied.

Eliza leaned in and said something to Kara that Alex couldn’t hear but had the blonde turning to look back her.Whatever she saw had Kara relaying her observation to Eliza and the two of them sharing a laugh at her expense.

Alex scowled.

“This is dumb.”

Jeremiah grunted.“Your mother is unique, you know that.”

“ _We’re_ her family.”

“Kara is too now.”

The glower on her face deepens but she doesn’t disagree, secretly pleased that her parents are finally coming around to the idea that Kara will be a permanent fixture in her life.They near the doors to the building and Jeremiah is quick to run ahead and hold them open, despite the handicap accessible button that Kara had been reaching for.

Eliza gives him an amused grin as she passes and whispers to Kara some more who nods and laughs with her.

This is just ridiculous.

~*~

Alex’s day gets even more odd when her mother leaves them in her office.She and Kara take the couch and Jeremiah takes to swirling around in the executive chair.Kara’s hand is cool and soft in hers and grounds Alex to the here and now.

She’d met Pam dozens of times over the years and, though the woman was slightly obsessed with plants, she was kind.At least to Alex.

There had been more than one incident where an employee had run off in tears because Dr. Isley thought them incompetent.

Alex couldn’t rightfully blame her since she had her own temper issues.

Still, she doesn’t like the thought of Pam doing or saying anything to Eliza that might upset her.It’s an irrational worry for sure but it’s one that she can’t help but feed.

Next to her Kara’s belly gurgles and the blonde smiles with pink cheeks.“Sorry.I’m going to—”

“I’ll go.”Alex offers immediately, needing to do something other than just… sit.“I know the building, so it makes more sense.I’ll just run down to the cafeteria and text you what they have yeah?”

Kara nods kindly and Alex leaves to fulfill her new mission.

It’s barely twenty minutes later when she is returning with bags of food and a tray of coffees when she hears soft murmurs from inside her mom’s office and realizes that she’d left Kara alone with her _dad._ The same guy who’d tried to make Kara feel like shit a few months earlier.

She was so losing wife of the year award.

There’s a bit of fumbling on her part, drink trays were obviously meant to set their holders up for failure, but she finally manages to get the door open.Both parties go quiet when she enters, and Kara offers her a smile that’s only slightly tense.

Neither mention anything being wrong and Jeremiah is quick to offer up a new topic of conversation that Kara latches onto like a starving animal.It’s all a little too obvious for Alex to ignore but she pushes it aside.Clearly neither on them want to talk about it and she won’t push.

She’s much to mature for that.

~*~

“What was that between you and my parents earlier?Did they say something?Were they rude?”

Kara blinks big doe eyes at Alex and slowly lowers the book she’d been reading—Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce, a favorite of Alex’s youth.

They’re in Alex’s room in her parents’ house and Kara has her legs propped on Alex’s lap while her wife lathers her in lotion.Alex doesn’t stop in her ministrations, massaging the cream into muscles of Kara’s calves while she awaits her answer.

“I’m… no.They weren’t rude.They were actually very nice.”

Alex grunts.“Kara, if they said anything…”

There’s a slight rustling sound and then Kara is sitting up fully, bending her legs so they move out of Alex’s grip, and reaching forward with her hands to cup Alex’s cheeks.

“Hey, your parents are wonderful.They may not have been… _welcoming_ before but I think that’s just a parent thing you know?”Kara shrugs, her lips quirked in amusement.“I’m the evil woman coming to steal away their little girl.”

“I’m not little.”

“Of course that’s what you would get from that.”Kara says with an eye roll before turning contemplative.“You know… you actually _are_ a lot like your mom.I didn’t see it before but now… you have the same sense of humor and you both have the craziest protective streak I’ve ever seen.It’s adorable but also very confusing.”

“My mom’s mean.”Alex argues, not liking that Kara thought she could be as cruel as Eliza had been to her.She would _never_ hurt Kara like that.

“Maybe to people she doesn’t know.She’s not means to your dad just like you aren’t mean to me.Those poor innocent men who even dare to look at me for too long however…”

Alex pulls her face away, flushing in embarrassment as she tried to resume her previous task.“I am _not_ that bad.”

“Like I said, I find it adorable.”Alex rolls her eyes but is mollified when Kara kisses her.“And, in the right circumstances, it can be kind of sexy.”

Breath hitching, Alex leans forward until her nose taps against Kara’s cheek.“Stop trying to distract me.”

Kara snorts, “it isn’t very hard.Apparently all I need to do is wear office clothes.”

Alex groans and flops onto her back, throwing an arm over her face.“You noticed that?”

“Not at first,” Kara admits, giggling and leaning over to run her fingers over Alex’s face.“Your mom pointed it out to me.”

“Gross.”

Kara laughs some more.“That was hardly one of my better outfits Alex, not that I don’t appreciate the appreciation, but I just don’t get it.”

“That’s because you don’t see yourself the way I do.”She squints at Kara from under her arm, gauges that she’s not making fun of her and reaches over to tangle their fingers together.“You have no idea how wonderful you are; how breathtaking you look in absolutely anything you wear.”

Kara makes a noise of disbelief but doesn’t argue, choosing to instead straddle Alex’s prone figure and start a new make out session.

Alex kind of wishes they had done this _before_ Kara changed but she’s not going to complain.Any time she gets to spend with Kara like this is a win in her book.

She also makes a mental note that Kara is _not_ allowed to talk to her parents anymore.

It causes much too much trouble.

~*~

**DAY** 321

 

“Dad is giving Kara the shovel talk.”Alex hisses to her mother over breakfast.They’d both come down to the kitchen this morning to a set table and Kara and Jeremiah out on the porch.Both had clearly not wanted to be disturbed.“He was talking to her yesterday too and it was not a good talk.Go get your husband!”

Eliza snorts as she butters her bread with unsteady hands.Alex had offered to do it for her but Eliza had given her a look that had made her lean back in her seat and focus on her own meal.In her defense, Eliza’s hands had been _fine_ yesterday and now today she was saying she had trouble closing her fingers.It was frustrating!

“Your father doesn’t even know what a shovel talk is let alone how to give one.More likely he’s fumbling through an apology of sorts.”

Alex gives her the side eye.“Did _you_ apologize?”

“I did.And then we laughed at you and your father’s matching pouts.Kara has joined me in thinking you are Jeremiah’s “mini me”.”

Kindly, Alex decides not to mention that Kara had said she was like Eliza just last night.

“Thank you,” she says instead, picking up her own toast, “it means a lot that your trying with her.I… I really do love her.”

Eliza’s eyes crinkle at the edges, her tea cup only half full and lukewarm to avoid any painful accidents.“I can see that dear.We both can.Whatever your father is saying to her, I promise you it won’t scare her away.”

As Alex is finishing the last of her breakfast, she sees Jeremiah move from the corner of her eye.Allowing herself to check in on the duo for security purposes, she watches as her father embraces Kara and stands.

Kara remains seated and, when Jeremiah comes in, he nods towards Kara’s still sitting form.Alex is on her feet and in motion before she really realizes what she is doing.

She drops to her knees in front of Kara and grasps her hands.

“Did he say—”

Kara kisses her.

Thoroughly.

Hands thread through her hair and hold her in place and oh man is she melting.

“I choose _you_ Alex Danvers.”Kara says when she pulls away, sniffling as she continues to hold Alex close.“You didn’t force me into this, and you weren’t a last resort.I _chose_ you.I _still_ choose you.I’m not going to leave.I need you to know that ok?”

Something loosens in her chest and she nods, a war she hadn’t even been aware she’d been waging quiets in her heart.

“Ok.”

Kara kisses her again.“Ok.”

Alex had no idea what her dad had said but it was apparently very emotional because tears continue to fall from Kara’s eyes.And, if it had been that important to her that Alex know she was a _choice_ rather than a forced option…

“Kara?”She waits for the blue eyes to meet hers, allows her thumbs to wipe away the tears still dripping down her cheeks.Kara’s glasses bounce slightly with the movement and they’re a little foggy, so Alex removes them all together and kisses her again.She sighs softly when she pulls away and regains eye contact.“I chose you too.I’ll always choose you.You are the _best_ choice I ever made.”

Her words seem to both soothe Kara and send her into another bout of tears.

Kara buries herself in Alex’s arms, seeking comfort that Alex is all too willing to give.

This woman has become not only her wife, but one of her greatest friends, and Alex will give her whatever she needs.

Glancing back into the house at her parents, Jeremiah also hugging Eliza now, she wonders exactly what had happened to make her need _this_.

 

~*~

 

**DAY** 358

Alex has felt off since her parents left for Germany.

It’s one thing for them to have been a few hours away, even if she would have had to cross national borders to reach them.It’s quite another for them to be separated by an entire ocean.

Still… she’s been coping well.Her surgical schedule is back on track and there are a list of accolades and awards that people have been vying to attach to her name.Even though to her, she still doesn’t consider Carter’s surgery a complete success.

The young boy had regained partial vision in his right eye but not his left and there was very little chance of any further improvement.

Legally he was blind.

Medically, Alex had failed.

People still celebrated her ‘triumph’.

Kara was her saving grace.Not that she disagreed with the multitude of Alex’s new fans, just that she was quieter in her affections.She was proud of Alex, not in awe of her and she didn’t let her stew in her disappointment.

“If you think your technique wasn’t absolutely perfect that’s because it was the first time anyone has ever done it before.Ever.Do it better next time.”

“I don’t even know how I did it the first time.”

“Of course you do silly.You wrote it all down.”

The pep talk had led to Alex starting her own clinical trial to try to perfect what they were calling the Danvers Method.She hated that name but hadn’t gotten much say when her own option, the Photoreceptive Iridium Biocide Method of Excising Aggressive Tumors, was shot down.

She rolls her eyes at the sight of Vasquez’s small form giving their investors a tour of Alex’s lab.J’onn had given her the one all the way in the back hall where no one could bother her.Except apparently the money.

Alex slowly backs out of the room, not wanting to interact with the would be fanboys who would brag about their yachts and ask about the ring on her finger.

It was way too exhausting.

Besides… something had been niggling at her to text Kara.She had of course, but hadn’t gotten a reply.Which left calling her.

After finding a hideaway in a stairwell, Alex dials her wife and waits for Kara to pick up.

“Hey,” she says when there’s just silence after the click, “are you up?You ok?”

There’s a sigh and some ruffling before Kara answers with a simple, “yeah.”

“Ok…” So something was definitely up.“Well, how’s class?”

“I don’t know.”

“Kara… hey baby, where are you right now?”

“Home.”There’s a slight sniffle from the other end of the line that sends a stab through Alex’s heart and she’s already heading towards her locker.A quick change of clothes and her keys and she’ll be to Kara in no time.

When she gets to their apartment she heads straight to the bedroom, pausing in the doorway to take in the curled up figure on the bed.Kara has the blankets tucked tight to her chin and she is staring despondently out of the window.

On the way over Alex had thought of anything that might have triggered the blonde.The anniversary of her family’s deaths had been months ago, and Kara had been more in a somber mood then a quiet one.

Her final semester had been going well to Alex’s knowledge but maybe that had changed?

She sighs softly and shrugs off her jacket, dropping it onto the armchair in the corner before toeing off her shoes and climbing into the bed behind Kara.Her wife just sighs and closes her eyes.

“Is it school?”Alex questions gently, wrapping an arm around Kara’s waist.“Did something happen?”Kara shakes her head and Alex places a soft kiss to her shoulder, considering. “Do you want to talk about it?

“I…”A sniffle, Kara presses back into Alex, grabbing her hand and pulling it to her chest. “It’s stupid.”

“No it’s not.Not if it’s making you feel like this.”

Kara sniffles again and then, in the most hopeless voice Alex has ever heard from her, breaks.“I don’t _know_.I just feel so… sad and I don’t know why I just… everything feels terrible and heavy and I ca—can’t _breathe_ and I’m sorry.I’m so sorry.This is so stupid.I’m being an _idiot_ and…”

Kara is truly crying now, even though it’s a soft cry with hiccups and apologies, which only serves to break Alex’s heart even more.She still doesn’t interrupt her, allows her to get everything she wants to say out before it peters off into gentle randomly timed sobs.

Alex props herself up on an elbow and leans down to press kisses to Kara’s face.

“I love you.”She states, first and foremost.She needs Kara to know that that hasn’t changed.“I love you so much.You mean the world to me and I am so sorry that you’re feeling like this, but it does _not_ make you stupid.You feeling like this is _not_ stupid.It’s chemistry and biology and sometimes we don’t know why our body does dumb shit, but it doesn’t make _you_ dumb.Ok?”

Kara squirms and twists until she’s facing Alex and her face is buried in Alex’s chest.

“Have you eaten yet?”Alex questions softly.Kara doesn’t answer and she takes that as a ‘no’.“Hey, this isn’t a reflection on you, ok?Some days are just… _sad_.”

Kara sniffles, “for you too?”

“For everybody.”Alex confirms, pressing a kiss to Kara’s hairline.She wishes she’d stayed with her this morning, but she’d had an early surgery and Kara had still been asleep when she’d left.It still sucks.“Do you want to go on a walk?We can go to the diner.I’ll get you all the blueberry pancakes you want.”When Kara shakes her head, Alex fights back the wave of helplessness and gives her another kiss, tightening her arms just slightly.“Ok baby.Is there anything I can do?What do you need?”

“Can you just hold me?”Kara requests quietly, the words barely heard from where she has buried herself in Alex.

“Of course.”

However, Alex is still a doctor and she went through the psych courses in med school so…

She clambers off the bed, makes sure her now confused wife is safely bundled up in the comforter and lifts her into her arms.It’s a short walk to the balcony and Kara is thankfully helpful enough to grasp the handle and open the door for them.

It takes a bit of careful planning to get her ass in the chaise but, when she does, Kara is quick to stretch out on top of her.

There have been multiple cases that support the correlation between the sun and alleviating the effects of depression. 

And, even though winter is fast approaching, it is also still warm enough to sit outside comfortably.Plus, Kara’s got the blanket that she’s made sure covers Alex as well.They’ll be fine out here for a little while.

“Is this ok?”Alex asks, pushing some hair away from Kara’s eyes.

“It’s perfect.”Kara sighs, snuggling closer.

“Good.”She can’t help pressing her lips to Kara’s before finally slouching backwards.“Tell me when you get hungry ok?I’ll make us lunch.”

There’s another sniffle, another shift and then Kara is placing her own kiss on Alex’s chin.

“Thank you.”

The sun is hitting them from the side thankfully, and Alex turns her head away from the direct beam.There’s a cool breeze that helps with the intensity and wafts Kara’s scent into Alex’s face.It’s nice.

Not something Alex minds at all.

She can deal with a bad day.Alex knows she has enough grouchy mornings for them both.Kara should never feel bad about her feelings. But, as silly as Alex thinks Kara thanking her is, she knows that telling her that won’t help.Right now it’s about what Kara needs, not what Alex thinks, so…

“You’re very welcome.”

 

~*~

**DAY** 431

Alex stumbles over the threshold, hands flailing uselessly in front of her as Kara guides her by the shoulders.

It is 4am Christmas morning and Alex is blindfolded.

Kinky as that might sound to most people, Alex just finds it annoying.It had taken a monumental effort on her part not to snap at her wife.Fortunately, Kara had just looked so excited when she’d woken Alex up, that Alex had decided to just go along with it.

The fact that she had also helped to royally botch their first Christmas together was also a completely valid reason to be stubbing her toes on odd objects at the butt crack of dawn.

It’s freezing outside and Alex feels Kara drape something over her before steering her the rest of the way onto their balcony.Whatever she’s been covered in is warm and Alex abandons her goal of not knocking into a wall in favor of pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders.

There’s an odd sensation of something moving next to her face and then Kara is kissing her and laughing and almost making this worth it.

Almost.

“You’re so cute it’s ridiculous.Are you ready for your surprise?”

“Of course,” Alex says, plastering a smile on her face.Even if she hates this thing, she’s damn well never going to show it.There’s not a chance on earth that she would ever want to be the reason behind Kara’s sadness.“Can I take this off now?”

Kara does the honors for her and Alex is left blinking into a candlelit blackness.Chilly as it may be in National City’s winter, there is also little wind at this time and so the candles that Kara has carefully distributed along the stone platform are in no danger of blowing out.

It also makes the mood that much more romantic.

Alex would normally cringe at such things but coming from Kara…

Well they just make her heart melt.

When her eyes land on a large covered… _thing_ she quirks an eyebrow and Kara bites her lip in excited anticipation.The next second the artist is ripping the canvas sheet off of the oblong shape and revealing what Alex is guessing is a telescope.

She’s guessing because it doesn’t have a shiny metallic matt finish.This thing looks like it was… _made…_

By Kara.

Because it’s got inspirational quotes, a broken glass, an asthma pump, a stethoscope, an exploding brain… the story of their first year together is written in red on and around the circular tubing, contrasted sharply by the Egyptian blue background.

It’s standing on a sculpted tripod that looks more like vines… no… not vines.

“They’re roots.”Kara says nervously, hands wringing in front of her as she watches Alex take in her gift.“Winn helped me with them… and your dad… After you bought that print for him, with the father and son looking at the stars.He said you used to do that together.That stargazing used to be your favorite pastime.I um… I know how much you hated that we weren’t getting along so I reached out and asked him to help with this…

“You asked my dad?”Alex steps closer to the telescope, her hand reaching out to touch.

“Yeah… we were already done with most of the artsy stuff, but you know I’ve never been that smart with the scien—”

“Don’t,” Alex whirls around and grabs both of Kara’s wringing hands in hers.“I told you to stop talking shit about my wife.”

Kara chuckles and ducks her head with a nod.

“I just knew I needed help and your parents seemed like a good option.We’ve been Skyping since they went overseas and they’re actually… kind of cool.They helped me figure out the lenses and… do you like it?”

Alex slides her hands to Kara’s hips, tugging ever so gently until their hips connected and she could lean up and press her lips to Kara’s.It feels good.Soft.

“I love you.This is… I love you so much.”

There’s a gentle pressure against her forehead as Kara presses their faces closer together, eyes squeezed shut.She looks scared and Alex wants to kiss her again but misses her chance when Kara starts talking.

“When my parents died, I was put in the system.I was fourteen, almost fifteen and… no one wants a teenager.At least not to adopt.I went through a few foster homes but…”Kara’s hands had been cradling her neck, but now she wrapped herself tighter around Alex, arms banding across her shoulders.Her voice is slightly muffled like this, her face closer to Alex’s neck, but Alex hears every word like a shallow knife wound.“There are good people in the system, good families, but I just got the shitty end of the stick a few too many times you know?My last foster family tried to make me a drug runner and so I ditched.But…”

“You don’t have to do this.”Alex whispers when the silence stretches too long, she pulls Kara closer, pressing a kiss to her hairline and rocking her gently.“You don’t need to do something if you’re not ready.”

“I…” There’s a loud exhale and then the rest of the words tumble out like a flood.“When enough people tell you that you’re a piece of shit; that you’re just a check and you’re annoying and unwanted… I—”

Kara’s nails dig into Alex’s back and she fights not to flinch.

“You believed them.”

“I thought you were going to be the same… I still do sometimes and…”Kara pulls back and kisses her almost desperately.“I know you love me.It’s just sometimes I have to convince myself that that’s real.That _you’re_ real.”

“It is.”Alex says softly, insistently.She cups Kara’s face in her hands and kisses her for emphasis.“I am.”

“I know.”Kara’s eyes are wide, the muscles in her face completely relaxed as she looks at Alex with something akin to awe.“That’s why… Alex…I love you too.”

Kara bites her lip, like she’s waiting for an admonishment.Alex isn’t going to give her one.

“Marry me.”

Kara blinks stupidly.“What?”

“Marry me.”Dammit, that should have sounded more like a question shouldn’t it?“Please?”

“I… we’re already married.”

“I was drunk and stupid but also really, if you think about it, kind of a genius.”Kara gives a disbelieving laugh and Alex waves her hand in the small space between them.“I want to lock this down before you become a world-renowned painter and realize that you married down.”

Kara scoffs and shakes her head.“No chance of that happening.”

“Are you kidding?Cat already text me a picture with her giving Lena Luthor one of your—”

“Oh my god, not the painting part!”

“Good.”Alex says decisively, “I’m sick of you talking shit about my wife.”

“Stop talking about me like I’m two different people!”

Alex kisses her, “nope.Will you marry me?”

Kara’s lip looks it’s in danger of bursting she’s biting it so hard.“Are you serious?”

“Yes.I want to give you a Disney Princess wedding and shower you in gifts and take you on a super luxurious honeymoon and do my very best to put a baby in you.”She tilts her head thoughtfully.“Also provide you with tons of delicious food so you won’t complain so much about the other stuff.”

Kara snorts, fingers back in Alex’s hair as she looks at her with pure amusement.“All because of a telescope?”

This woman is a moron Alex realizes.

She’s a nag and she’s kind of messy sometimes and she’s _terrible_ at accepting help but she’s so amazingly brilliant that it works.

Even if she is slow.

Alex can make allowances, so she pulls her close and kisses her again.

“No,” a soft peck above her eye, “because you came into this knowing very little about me.You came in with a crush and some vague idea of who and what I was, and you still said yes.”A lingering kiss to her cheek that makes Kara inhale sharply.“You agreed to this terrible idea and by all rights could have put in the very minimal effort.”Playful nip to Kara’s nose that has the blonde giggling softly.“But somehow, you still managed to see past all the shit in my life, every idiotic thing I did, all my flaws… you make me so unbelievably happy and I want to start my forever with you.”She kisses her solidly on the mouth, ignoring the salty taste of the kiss, wet with Kara’s tears.“I love you so much Kara, and I would be so honored if you would agree to be Mrs. Kara Danvers.For real this time.”

Kara laughs and nods, grinning stupidly as she smothers Alex in a tight hug.“Yes,” she cries softly, “yes, yes, the answer will always be yes.”

It feels like a supernova has gone off in Alex’s chest; like time has stopped and sped up all at once.She wants to freeze this moment; wants very badly to just be really and truly married already.

Every good feeling she’s ever had compares so little to how she feels right now.

It’s their second Christmas together and it’s the best damn day of Alex’s life.

She squeezes Kara gently, can’t stop kissing her.

“Hey,” she questions when they’ve started to calm down.“Do you want me to show you the constellations on my brand new telescope?It’s pretty badass.”

Kara nods against her neck, pulling back with a chuckle and a bright face and looking for all the world like she’s _happy._ Alex had had a hand in that.

In making her happy.

She wants to do that for the rest of her life.

“Show me the world Dr. Danvers.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo, what'd ya think?
> 
> I actually really like it. In a few months I'll look back and say that I hate it but right now this feels pretty solid to me.
> 
> We finally found out what the deal was with Alex's parents. Eliza was trying to protect Alex and Jeremiah was trying to protect them both. It had nothing to do with Kara's status, not really. It was just overprotective parents being overprotective.
> 
> And then Kara... our poor bean has trouble displaying her emotions because of her abandonment issues. Alex has been showered in love by her parents, even if they are extremely difficult and oft times disapproving. She's still always known they love her because Jeremiah has been around to make sure Eliza tells her. Even if they're not perfect at showing it. So while Alex has only slight issues in saying the words, it took Kara a little while to believe her and then a little more time to be brave enough to say the words herself.
> 
> Confession time: I've had to sleep in my car before; it wasn't for an extended time and it was more me trying to escape a bad situation with no money than anything else but it left an impact on me. As I write this I realize that's probably why I didn't like my ex very much... hmmm. Anyway, the thing is I thought that if I felt that from a few days, how would Kara feel from a few years and so I expanded on my own feelings to shape her character. One of them being 'burden syndrome'. I have that really, really bad so Kara does too. Alex just needs to be patient.
> 
> Then Alex, her self doubt is mostly the show but also she's actually done everything her parents wanted her to do and is a badass and they still want more. Hence her feeling like she isn't enough and trying to overcompensate... Eureka. You know, people should write fanfic as a form of therapy. Oh wait....
> 
> Eliza having MS is partly from my own MS scare and partly from Selma Blair. I was getting tested at the same time that she came out on social media. One of the scariest times of my life but I wanted Eliza to handle it a bit more graciously than I did. Especially considering I didn't even have it in the end. So, while she's upset and scared, she's also a Danvers and so she's gonna fight her ass off. Hugs and Kisses abound.
> 
> In case you guys were wondering, Jeremiah did indeed apologize and he was basically just telling Kara all the reasons he was worried but how happy he is that Alex has her.
> 
> Cat is now a major Kara Danvers fan and is helping her launch her art career. Carter is fine, blind in one eye but alive. I feel having him come out unscathed would have been way too far out but is you need that dose of sunshine than I welcome you to imagine him as fully healed kid. You're welcome.
> 
> So, anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the story. The cameos and the love and the fluff. Nothing majoryly sad happened here. Just good old fashioned life. Sometimes it sucks and all we've got to make it better are our people.
> 
> I hope you guys have yours :)
> 
> I love telling stories; I love hearing you guys' reactions. No matter how shitty things get, this stuff is always great. I need to start a podcast or something... Anyway, I love you guys.
> 
> ~Chronicles


End file.
